A little Evil or A lot!

Evie wanted to have a costume party and she kept asking me what my costume was gonna be.  I said "I'm already wearing it. I'm an evil mommy!" She didn't like that.  She kept telling me I wasn't evil and that wasn't a good costume anyways.  I ended up being a princess.
 So today I told her, "I'm not really evil. Only a little Evil.  Are you a little evil?"
She looked at me and said, "No...I'm A lot Evil!...Just kidding I'm not evil, only a little!" then she laughed! I almost died from laughing so hard!

Pregnant again, again, again!

According to my calculations I am 5 weeks and due on July 9th.  Since my doctor doesn't do VBACs (vaginal births after a csection) this birth will also be a c-section.  Usually, scheduled two weeks early so we are looking around June 18th? I'm not sure about that date didnt look at next years calendar and my math is horrible. He usually does them on a friday!  So as long as things go ok.  We know what to expect as far as that.  My last pregnancy I had gestational diabetes and that was not fun! Hope it doesnt happen again. 

I also feel it's a little to early to celebrate, but if your pregnant you're pregnant thats not gonna change.  At least not for another 8 months!  I am not looking foreward to being pregnant or having a c-section again.  Each time it gets a little harder than before! I am guessing thats from the scar tissue.  I am loking foreward to having a baby!  Kids are amazing and I couldn't imagine a life without them. 

That being said.  I am not looking foreward to all the changes that are gonna have to be made.  We need a new car!  We all won't fit in ours!  Which really sucks cause we just bought it!  Well 7 months ago but still that's new.  We are already planning on moving next year, but moving when your pregnant is not fun!  You can't do anything, and while people understand that it still sucks! 

My kids are so excited.  Evie and Topher are already talking about names for their baby brother!  I really hope its a boy! Thats's another thing.  Nameing a kid is difficult!  All of my kids have special names with special meanings the more you have the harder that is to do! Oh, and by coincidence all 3 of their names are greek in origin!  So gotta keep that trend going! 

Here we go again!

I am pregnant again.  I took a test last night and it was positive.  I'm gonna take a blood test tomorrow to confirm.  Or really just make it official.  The kids are so excited.  Topher told my sister first when she got here this am.  Then he and Evie sat down and discussed what the baby's name is gonna be.  They are sure its a boy!  I just think it is so funny because as you may have read a couple weeks ago all a sudden out of the blue my 4year old daughter started talking about a baby brother!  I told you she's spoiled and usually gets what she wants. I'm starting to wonder if she's psychic too! Maybe she can hook me up with some lottery numbers! My husband is supper excited I can tell, but I am freaking out.  This changes everything. Were gonna need help!  I'm so scared, nervous, and everything else you can possibly feel!

Plus, my boobs hurt something awful! 

Another Baby?

My 4 year old daughter, Evie, wants me to have another baby.  She wants a baby brother for her brother to play with.  I told her when you have a baby you don't get to pick you get what you get! Then I asked what if it's another girl? She thought for a moment and said, "then we keep her!" I smiled and asked "So would we have to have another one after that till we had a boy?" Again she paused, "yep we need another brother!"  Her brother can be really mean and annoying to her at times so playing the devils advocate I asked, "What if he's mean like Topher?" She said, "I love my brother!" I thought I love my kids they are amazing.

I told her brother, "Topher, Evie wants mommy to have another baby so you can have a baby brother to play with.  What do you think? Good idea or bad idea?" He said, "Bad idea!" I almost died.  "Why" I asked? "Because that's not a good idea!" was the very matter of fact response I got.  So I asked, "Why is Evie, Topher, and Ally too many already?" He said "yes" and returned to his playing.

So I told Evie what Topher said.  She said 3 is not too many!  I asked her then how many were too many?  She thought and said 10!  OMG! Was my thought!  Then she added "well if Topher doesn't want to play with the baby I will!" 

Then the conversation changed to what was I gonna name the baby! I told her I had no idea.  It took me 9 months to pick out each of their names.  I told her picking a name was difficult cause you have to get it just right.  It has to be something special.  She picked George, door, and house!  I told her no way it would have to be very special.  Then I realized we were picking names for a baby I hadn't even decided on having yet.  We probably will have another just not right now. 

Later that evening all of a sudden she said I've got it we can call him "Conner"

I couldn't believe she was still thinking about it.  I should probably add Evie is kinda spoiled and usually gets what she wants! LOL

Working Update

Ok, I've been working for a while now 3 days one week and one day the next.  Some times are harder than others.  The worst part is the kids behavior has gotten worse. I'm not sure if the change is from my working or just the change in weather.  We aren't outside as much as before.  In fact we are home a lot more now, or at least the kids are.  They are home with me when daddy works and home with daddy when mommy works!  Ally is more attached to me.  When I get home I hear "MAMA" or "MOMMMY" and she runs to me.  Then I have to hold her for a while.  She is also more clingy than before. She was more of daddy's girl but now that she misses me when I'm gone she's a mama's girl.  Topher is just wild.  He is worse than before and so mean to me sometimes.  I'm not sure what to do.  Evie is ok, but I can tell sometimes she feels left out.  We are getting our nails done this weekend her reward for doing good in school all month!  Topher didn't do so good, otherwise we'd all be going for ice cream.  The worst part is I love working!  I love being at home with my kids too, and I desperately miss my hubby!  We see each other a little bit during the week otherwise we are together every other Wednesday, every other Saturday and Sunday! Plus, they make destroy the house when I'm gone. I don't mind cleaning it, but some times I feel like I'm going crazy "didn't I just clean this up 5 minutes ago!" I don't know how moms work full time and keep the house clean (oh wait their kids must be at day care during the day!) I can't complain soon they will all be in school and I will miss these days!

School Update

Well we just had parent teacher conferences.  Things weren't as bad as I thought.  I'll break it down per kid!

Christopher my 3.5 year old!  We had a slight rough start.  At first he didn't want to go to school, but he had tons of fun and loved it.  The first month we had green dots every day (they get a green dot for being good, yellow for a lil bad, and red if they had privileges taken away).  He has a friend Derek and apparently they play pretty rough. He came home with dirt all in his hair one day.  He said his buddy put it on him.  His teacher said they roll around and all kinda crazy stuff on the play ground.  He got off the bus crying a few times a kid hit him.  I told him yell to the bus driver or the lady who rides with you.
   Then the second month came and my son is feeling more himself at school.  He got 2 orange dots, touching other kids, being disruptive, and not listening.  Then he got 3 red dots, 2 for pushing, one for hitting a kid in the face!  I wasn't surprised but I was upset.  At the conference the teacher said she wasn't worried about it.  It was only a few incidents (A FEW OK!) She also said he is very smart and social.  She often gives him something to hold on to during circle time so he can pay attention.  She often keeps him separate ex: walking in line.  I don't mind cause he loves school, and if it keeps him from hurting others I am for it.  I'm not sure where to go from here so were taking things one day at a time.

Evangeline really doesn't have any problems she is actually ahead of most of the class with many skills like writing her name.  She pays attention, follows directions, and doesn't get into trouble.  She is social but sometimes quiet.  She has friends and sometimes has to be reminded its not time to talk!  No big deal!  She has had some incidents on the bus thou!  Her and another girl fight to sit by the window.  The rule is whoever gets there first gets to sit by the window.  She often comes home crying she didn't get to sit by the window.  She has even asked the other little girl if they could take turns.  Last week she got there first and the lady who rides with them grabbed her shirt and pulled her to move her into the outer seat.  The woman told her she gets off the bus first so shouldn't sit by the window.  Evie cried so she let her sit there.  I asked her about it the next day she insisted she would never!  She said she only helped Evie with her seat belt.  Evie said she always does her own seat belt and the lady lied to me.  I believe my 4 year old.  She doesn't lie!  I guess at this point I'm gonna let it go and see if it happens again.  Then all hell is gonna break loose cause she has no right to touch my baby!  I'm so mad that I'm letting it go for now, but I'm trying to be adult about it. 
   That wasn't

Working Mama!

It's official I am no longer a stay at home mom.  Yep, I'm a working mom.  I worked one day...so far...LMAO  I do plan on working more. I will probably.... most likely... work 3 days this week.  Well I'm only scheduled for one, so we shall see.  Oh, and I'm working for my parents!  WOO HOO...so grown up...Oh well its the only job that will allow me to work on the days my hubby is off! SAVING a fortune in daycare! I don't know how others do it daycare is ridiculous!  I know the saying usually goes you get what you pay for, and when it comes to your kids you probably don't want to go the "oh they were the cheapest one" route!  But still....Anyways my first day was kinda crazy I worked there years ago, but A LOT has changed.  So for the first time ever I was constantly like how do you do this.  It was really nice to be around ADULTS all day thou!  The best part was thou that even without me home the house didn't burn down, and everyone is still alive! AMAZING!  Just kidding I knew my hubby could do it! I was just amazed the house wasn't even that dirty when I got home!  First time ever I was away from the kids for 10 hours! 

Day two of Pre-School

Ugh....Yesterday's excitement was short lived.  This morning Topher didn't want to go to school.  He didn't want to get dressed.  He said "I want to play!" I told him if you don't go to school you're going to bed!  After a little trouble we were outside waiting for the bus, and he was doing fine.  So I thought all the trouble was over.  Then the bus pulled up and he ran for the door to the house! I picked him up, and quickly grabbed a small army guy for him to take.  I thought bringing it might ease the stress. Nope, he just screamed and cried.  I carried him to the bus. He wouldn't get on.  I carried him on and put him into his seat.  I sat him down and said "I'll be right here when you get back!"  Then I left.

It all happened so fast.  I forgot to say "I love you" or even "good bye"! I felt horrible enough and that just iced the cake.  The couple hours till they got home were shear torture for me.  I felt like the worlds worst mom!  The bus pulled up and the kids came out happy as can be.  I gave Topher a big hug and said "See I'm right here waiting for you!" 

I asked who had a good day at school today, and they both said "I did!"  So apparently he's not traumatized for life!  Hopefully it gets better because this is rough, on me!

First Day of School

Today was Topher's first day of school ever.  He is in 3 year old pre-school. Evangeline is in her second year.  She is in 4 year old pre-school.  They go from 12:15 to 3.  This year I have decided to let them ride the bus. The first day wasn't without a few bumps.  The bus was late picking them up!  I got worried and called the bus driver, who answered her phone while driving! 

3 hit and I waited on the front porch for the bus to bring my babies home!  No bus! after a half hour I called the school.  The buses were all still there! This is the schools first year being a STEM magnet school or whatever.  I'm not sure what that means.  But due to this they were having troubles.  So I waited 15 more minutes, and some buses went by but none stopped!  I'm freaking! I call the school and it hits me maybe they were sent to Safe harbor (basically day care).  Yep that's where they were. It was an honest mistake.  I'm looking for a job so I signed them up.  I told the safe harbor people the kids didn't need it yet.  But positions are on a first come first served basis. So I had to apply.  The message just didn't get passed on, and the kids had to be listed on the roster. 

When I went to get them there were still buses in the parking lot! 45 minutes after school was over and it was 90 degrees outside.  So thank God the kids were in safe harbor and not sitting on those buses.  Parents were pissed.  The buses were all screwy. Some buses ended up with the wrong kids and had to come back.  Some kids were left behind.  One dad was at the school one daughter made it home the other a preschooler didn't!  Hopefully the bugs are sorted out tomorrow!

Anyways the kids were happy to see me.  They had fun at school. Both of them only complained that they didn't get to go to the computer lab!  At the meet the teacher night we were told preschoolers would have access to the computers now!  So they wanted to play computers.  Watch Topher be upset when they don't let him watch netflicks!  LOL...

As we walked to the car Topher pointed to the preschoolers playground and proudly said "I get to play there!" He also informed me that he went potty at school.  He said "I said excuse me teacher I have to go potty!"  I don't know if that's true or not but how cute!  I asked if he wanted to go back he jumped up and down and said "YES, I want to go back to school!" 

I'm glad they are both so excited about school and riding the bus.  Just hope the bus bugs are worked out cause tomorrow is gonna be hot again!

Seeing the specialist!

Topher's sleep study is complete and now we are waiting to see the Ear Nose & Throat Dr (ENT).  We got a letter this am reminding us of an appointment we didn't even know we had.  They just made an appoitment and sent us a letter.  Thankfully, the day works out.  He will have to miss school, but that's ok.  It sucks we have to wait till October to see the ENT!  I wish we could have gotten in sooner. 

His diagnosis are severe onset of insomnia and sleep disordered breathing!  I am just praying that whatever we have to do to fix this, that it is something easy.  Online it said they usually remove the tonsils and adnoids to correct obstructive sleep apnea in kids.  However, not all kids are surgical candidates.  It sounds like he will probably have to have surgery or wear a mask.  Either way its gonna be a challenge.  At least with the surgery he will probably (hopefully) be fine after healing.  I don't see how sleeping with any type of equipment will make him better.  That will be a nightmare!  That being said, we will do whatever it takes for him.

Parenting 101....

Tip number 1

If you hear your child say "Eeewww!" Go check, cause whatever it is, its probably nasty!"

I picked this tip up after hearing my 1 year old Ally saying "EEEEWWW" as she pulled stuff out of the garbage can! Yeah, eww is right, along with gross, nasty, and yuck!

Sensory Diet

It has been almost 3 weeks since Tophers OT (occupational therapist) sent home his sensory diet plan.  That is a program she has designed for me to implement at home.  I am supposed to do this 3 times a day! 

Topher's Sensory Diet is as follows: 

    Step 1: Vestibular/Movement input:  stopping and starting frequently as well as changing speed and direction!  spinning, crazy swinging, jumping on trampoline, running in circles,  ... until he stops seeking additional input

    Step 2:  Active Proprioception/Heavy Work:  pushing, pulling, play tug of war, animal walks, wheelbarrow walk.....

    Step 3:  & Step 5:  Passive Proprioception/Deep Pressure:  massages, sandwich game, joint compressions (we call them boom booms), vacuuming (he is the vacuum),  weighted backpack...

    Step 4:  Tactile Input/Touch:  brushing, finger paint, play in water, digging in sand,beans, corn kernels, etc...

    Step 6:  Skill:  functional task: homework, following directions, potty time, shoe tying, fine motor tasks...

We have meet 2 huge obstacles with this process.  The first hurdle is Topher's sisters!  They are extremely jealous of the extra attention he is getting, and naturally want to be involved to.  They actually are more cooperative with the therapy than he is!  They love the joint compressions, brushing, vacuuming, and sandwich game. 

However, this makes completing his sensory diet a struggle because not all activities are easily done with 3. Especially since Evie and Topher are close in age but Ally is only 1! It takes a long time, and is extremely exhausting (for me)!  It is also A LOT of work finding and setting up things that all 3 can do.

   The second problem is Topher himself.  He has become very non-compliant.  At first he loved it and participated.  Now he doesn't want to at all.  He only wants to sit in the toy room and play. He yells "I wanna play. I don't wanna do nothing...nothing...nothing..nothing....I wanna play!"  Lately I tell him if he doesn't do it I'll take his toys away.  It is supposed to be fun, so it helps.  I feel horrible.

 His play is very fascinating lately too.  He will have the dinosaurs and doll house out.  They will all be playing together.  He plays pretty good with his 4 year old sister, but doesn't tolerate the baby very well. She knocks down his stuff and takes stuff away.  Topher cannot handle that, and responds very aggressively.  He also insists that Evie (older sister) play with him all day long.  The poor girl has to be exhausted.  He will cry if she won't play.  This is a new behavior over the last 2 weeks!  I'm not sure what to do or think about this, but it is getting to be a problem.

Unfortunately, to prevent melt downs he needs to do his therapy.  It's a pain in the butt.  Most days I am not very successful and feel really bad about it. 

The Sleep Study!

Its been about 3 weeks since Topher's sleep study.  The doctor started talking about medications, but I insisted before we get to that point we test everything. I have long suspected Topher to have sleep apnea or something wrong.  He has never, no not ever, slept through the night.  Even when he doesn't wake me up I hear him up getting a drink or something.  He also snores, and it can be pretty loud at times. Yep, he's only 3. 

 I wasn't sure if snoring was normal for him because of the condition he was born with, Laryngomalacia.  I may have spelt that wrong.  It is basically a birth defect, where the throat muscles are weak and actually close up on you when you breath.  Like the way a shower curtain gets sucked in to the shower.  His condition was actually really severe.  The doctor was on the fence about corrective surgery but Topher is strong and made a miraculous recovery.  He still gets bad coughs and vomits alot from them.  We aren't sure if this may actually be a type of asthma on top of all his other problems.  The pediatrician diagnosed him with exercise induced asthma and reactive airways disease. 

So we did the sleep study.  I was so worried I thought it would be a nightmare.  He did so well! I was like who is this kid.  He cooperated with the ladies, and just watched dvds till he fell asleep.  He did complain a lot.  I think it helped that he was really tired and really really freaked out by it all. He wouldn't talk to the ladies any louder than a whisper.  Which was crazy he is usually so loud. I have never heard him so quiet. 

He really hated the piece that went into his nose! He couldn't use his Binky, but thankfully he didn't even ask me for it!  The stickers on his legs with nothing connected to them were his to play with.  He was so freaked out it took forever for me to convince him it was ok to cover up with the blankets!

My only complaint was that at 5 am the lights were switched on.  It was like bam being hit by a freight train.  He looked really scared.  They were very bright.  If I had known I would have asked they wake me up first.  Then I would have woken him up myself before the lights hit.  They also told me they had dvd players there, but they only had one.  It was in another room.  The nurse let him watch dvds on her laptop!

Finally the doctor called with the results.  In all my paranoia I half expected him to say the test was normal.  Unfortunately, I am usually right when something is wrong with the kids.  I know that's actually a good thing, but I didn't want to be this time.  Apparently, Topher has mild sleep apnea and mild sleep disturbances.  I have no idea what that actually means I missed the doctors call and got his message.  I have to wait till Tuesday to talk to him, but he did say we'd most likely need to see an Ear Nose & Throat Dr to see what happens next.

Even thou I suspected this, I wasn't prepared for this.  Listening to that message my heart just sank.  I feel like I've been hit with a freight train.

Lessons from TV!

Evie said to Topher, "If you kiss a talking frog you turn in to a frog, but if you kiss a frog that doesn't talk nothing happens!" 

This is what she learned from watching the Princess and the Frog yesterday! 

Out of the darkness!

I know after Topher was born I was seriously depressed.  Who wouldn't be? He was two months old and almost died twice!  Spent half a month in the hospital most of it in pediatric intensive care.  He had two emergency transports by ambulance from one hospital to another.  So many IVs they had trouble getting them in.  One IV infiltrated and his arm swelled up so bad that his poor little fingers looked like sausages that were gonna explode. 

I felt horrible.  I know it wasn't my fault.  However, I'm his mother.  I take care of him.  I am responsible for him. I carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him.  If not my fault whose.  I was more than ready to take all the blame for it.  Making matter worse were that I kept listening to others over the phone and questioning my own gut.  I knew he was doing bad, but I talked my self out of taking him to the hospital.  When I finally took him to see the pediatrician he was direct admitted to the hospital.  I was told to go straight to the hospital and not even go home.  

Making matters worse were the fact that when he didn't get better they discovered he was born with a condition called Laryngomalacia.  I was horror stricken.  If he was born with the problem then it was definitely all my fault!  He was growing in my belly and I was supposed to do everything right. I must have done something wrong!  I have migraines which were amplified by my pregnancies.  I occasionally had to take a low dose muscle relaxer.  I was sure this was all my fault.

My depression took a toll on all my relationships even my marriage. I couldn't talk to anyone because no one understood. I felt like a failure and all alone.  Everyone I tried to talk to told me the truth it wasn't my fault, and at times I was told don't be silly or ridiculous.  That just made everything worse.  I stopped talking to people, and became very distant from the ones I loved the most.  It took a long time but I learned to talk to my husband even if I have unpleasant things to say.  I learned they were right and I was wrong.  (Don't tell them I said that..I'm just kidding)

However, at that point in my life I didn't need to hear the way I felt was wrong.  Those were the true deep and dark feelings in my heart.  I knew that rationally they were irrational thoughts.  It didn't matter.  I couldn't just flip a switch and turn them off.  Nothing I did could change those feelings.  I needed someone to listen to me and validate my feelings as being ok, but not reality. 

I tried to be the best mother and I know I am a good mother.  Unfortunately, at the time I knew it but didn't feel it.  If that makes any sense.  There is a difference between what you know in your head and what you feel in your heart.  I think it was until both my heart and head were on the same page that things finally got better.

I think at some point I almost lost the only man I've ever loved.  Then I realized somethings gotta change.  How did we get here?  We did some counseling, and spoke with the pastor.  I did a little counseling.  It didn't really help and honestly just cost money!  In the end it was us.  Me wanting to change, and the love and devotion of my husband. I'm not perfect yet!!!  But I am happy, and enjoying my life. I am so blessed to have my husband and three amazing kids! I thank God for them everyday.

I have found it very helpful to keep a gratitude journal. Every night I write 5 things I am thankful for. Some are big like I'm grateful for my kids. Some silly I'm grateful for a nice sunny day, or I'm grateful Topher didn't have any tantrums today (yep it happened once)! It changes your outlook from the negative to the positive. I find myself looking for things during the day to put in my journal!!! I'm seeking out and cherishing the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives.

I just really wanted to share this in case anyone out there is feeling really down.  Everyone has black days, weeks, months, and years.  Please, seek help if you ever feel like hurting yourself or your child.  Life is a special wonderful gift, and you can't take things like that back you can only spend the rest of your life regretting them! 

The search for a prince!

This is a conversation I overheard in the toy room....

   Topher is playing with superheros, and Evie is playing with princesses.

Evie has Cinderella walking around the room, and says "Who's gonna be my man?"  She puts her doll in front of Topher's toy (wolverine on a motorcycle) blocking him from moving foreward.

Topher says, "GET OUTTA MY WAY! I am not gonna be your prince!"

Evie sadly says, "But who is gonna be my prince!"  Cinderella walks around.

Topher says (in a very gruff masculine voice) "I'll be your man!" 

Evie replies, "NO, I don't want you to be my prince!"

         I just had to peaked in to see what was what.... It was the HULK!  I almost died laughing...

Needless to say Cinderella walked into the sunset holding spiderman's hand, while the Hulk and Wolverine were left with nothing!  The search for a prince is over! 

Kids are so funny!

Broken Hearts!

It was 7pm and I was putting Ally to bed (my 13 month old).  Evie and Topher were playing good downstairs, but decided to come upstairs.  They know they are not supposed to do this when I am putting Ally in bed!  So I was frustrated.  I told them go downstairs. 

Instead they ran and hid behind a large chair in Ally's room, just as I was laying Ally in her crib.  They were laughing and screaming hysterically.  I know they thought they were being funny, but they know that is against the rules plus I had just told them to go!  I was furious.  Ally jumped up and started screaming! Why, not she didn't want to miss out on the fun.

I yelled "get out!"  They ran downstairs.  I followed them and made them stop playing and sit on the couch.  I reminded them of the rules and told them to listen!  The sound was Ally crying.  I told them she was crying because they didn't listen and she wanted to play to.  Then I told them that because they didn't listen they were going to bed to, and not swimming.

Its hot and I was going to let them stay up and swim with me when Ally went to bed.  Now that wasn't going to happen because Ally wasn't going to bed, and I wasn't going to let them stay up all night!  They cried and cried....

Topher said, "Mama, you broke my heart....give me a hug!"  That just broke my heart!  I held him so tight.  Then pulled Evie into the hug to. We sat there for a while in a big hug.  Then I said "if your good we will get up in the morning eat breakfast and go swimming!"  They were fine with that and we began the bed time routine.

As we walked into the bathroom Evie cried a little and said "Mom, It was all my fault!"  I didn't understand and didn't say anything.  She said again "It was all my fault we were naughty, it was my idea!"  I felt so bad for her.  I told her "That's ok everyone has a bad idea sometime, but your being good now and tomorrow is a new day! We will start all over." 

Silly girl

Evie was supposed to be in bed.  She came downstairs because her brother was asleep and she wanted to watch a movie.  Fine, but to stay up longer she kept talking and talking to me.  She'd hold up both her hands and wiggle her fingers with her tongue sticking out saying "ullla lllaaallaaaa"! I think that's how you'd spell it!  It was hilarious.  So I asked her "Can you get any more silly?" 

She very seriously replied, "I can be as silly as you want me to be!"

Trash monster!

Ally has been busted! She is the trash monster.  At first we'd catch her taking things out of the trash!  Anything and everything she could reach, and some of it was nasty!  Now she has been busted throwing things away.

 She was by the trash can this morning and I heard a thud!  I looked and (thankfully) I saw it! The direct tv remote!  How we would function without it is beyond me!  Now the only question is "What else has she thrown away?" 

I am missing the dust pan!  It vanished without a trace last night!  I am sure its in the trash, but the trash has gone out, and I don't dare try to look for it.  Lucky, for me it's an inexpensive item or I'd be garbage surfing right now!

4th of July Parade

Took the kids to the parade!  It was so much fun (not the parade but rather watching the kids enjoy the parade)! Priceless! 

At the beginning of the parade the police on their motorcycles drove by a few times with the sirens on.  Then a couple times they drove by slowly doing circles and figure eights.  For some reason Ally thought this was laugh out loud funny! She clapped and waved to them. She clapped and waved to A lot of the floats and danced to some of their music. 

Evie was happy to see a marching band.  She said the night before "I never got to see a marching band!" So she got to see tons of them!  Both Evie and Topher watched the parade so intensely it was funny! Burger King gave out free mini sample cones with vanilla ice cream. I got the kids each one, but Topher didn't want his.  He was so upset it was melting all over him!

some random pics!

 Topher ended up getting to hot and he was done.  So we had to leave early.  Daddy was happy about that he was miserable too.  My eyes hurt afterwards, felt like I had sat in a smoky room for days!  Ally was asleep before we pulled out of the parking lot!

online time!

I haven't posted much lately.  I have been spending my time online researching coupons!  I am fascinated with that coupon show and want to know if that is really possible.  You see these women spending very little money on hundreds of dollars worth of stuff, and its name brand stuff.  So when I have time to get online I spend it searching through websites that say you can print coupons.  Soon I will let you know what I have come up with. 

I am also looking seriously for a job from home, but not a home business.  I don't want to shell out hundreds of dollars to start my own business and sell people something.  I tried avon, tupperware, and marykay!  That's just not me.  I want to apply for a job and actually get hired and work from home.  I have found a couple sites I'm seriously looking into, and will let you know if it works out.  That means when I actually get a pay check!  Well see, but I won't be holding my breath.  There are so many scams out there it isn't even funny! People are really nasty to each other it is so sad!

just a random thought

I am so tired.  I have been staying up to late, and then to tired all day!  Ugh I need to break this circle. I probably should have gone to bed, but hubby will be home soon.  I would be posting more, but as you can tell I've been to tired.

My In-laws got us a new couch and love seat (new to us anyways), and I have been rearranging the house.  And cleaning floor to ceilings as I go.  I moved our tv and had to reroute the cable wires in the basement.  Not that difficult just time consuming.  Thank goodness my mom took the older 2 to see cars 2!  They loved it.  I moved to 2 old couches out and stacked them on the back porch.  Then moved the new ones where I wanted them.  The living room feels so much bigger now!  I can't hold my eyes open any more so goodnight world!

Here's the 411!!!

Tonight the house is clean and kids were in bed by 7:30 for the second night in a row. Of coarse they are not asleep (yet), but still that's gotta be a record!  I even folded and put away laundry!  I am amazing!  Ok the kids helped some.  I found out that if I tell Topher I can clean faster than him... Well lets just say he can clean really fast! 

I have  a job interview tomorrow!  I have no idea what position it is for because I applied for 5 positions at the company I am going to!  So I guess I'll see when I get there.  I am excited, but realized I have nothing to wear!  I've been a stay at home mom for 4 years now and my wardrobe consists mostly of t-shirts (most of which are stained from kids). 

So now we have to take the kids to the splash park, get me an outfit, get me to my interview, get the kids naps, food, and take daddy to the doctor all in one day!  I hope it can be done!  I do this all the time.  I set way to high of standards and can't measure up.  Then I get upset when I drop all the balls I'm trying to juggle. 

I rearranged my bed room, and almost finished organizing everything.  I'm making space for me.  I had the space, but never organized it. Since we moved in it became the dump spot of everything and anything.  I now have a spot to do my make-up, write, and a desk to start becoming a coupon mom!  I know if those lady's on extreme coupon can save that much money so can I. That's my goal anyways. 

So the past week has been pretty busy. 

Some Pics from Ally's 1st Birthday!

Mommy baked the cake, but daddy was the artist!

Not quite sure about all this...

What is going on here guys?

Oh, Ok I'm liking this!

Cheer competition in pictures!

Ready to go!

Waiting Patiently!

Having Fun...

Ally wants to cheer too!

Trophey, 3rd place ribbon, and flowers...

The pics of her competition didn't come out...but if I can I'll upload her competition video to youtube.  Knowing me that will happen next year sometime!

Evie's Cheer Competition

Was so much fun.  She did so well we were all so proud of her.  She had so much fun.  The only thing that wasn't cool was having to get up at 4am to make it there by 6:30am.  We had to drive an hour and a half to get to it, and because of where it was and where we live there was an hour time change between the two.  Unfortunately, they were an hour ahead of us!  The teams practice time started at 8 (7 our time) and the competition started at 9!  Plus, the coach wanted everyone there 30 minutes early just to make sure they all made it on time!

She cried a couple times at the practice, but i think she was just tired.  They folded her socks down and she said she was cold.  All the girls were away from the parents and she wanted me to stay with her.  Daddy and I took turns staying with her until the competition started.  Then she seemed fine.  She is also the youngest on the team and didn't really know any of the girls.

So did so good and remembered all her moves.  It was awesome.  Half way through another girl blocked my view of her so I missed a little of her in the video.  Next time I will definitely make sure to ask her coach to put smaller girls in front or stagger them more so parents can see each child!

Her team took third place out of ten teams.  All the girls got trophies, but only the teams that placed got ribbons.  We also bought her some flowers.  So she was super excited.  Nana and Papa bought her a cheer shirt and we got her a water bottle to keep special for practices!  Of coarse she wants to continue cheer now!  As well as karate and dance lessons!  I'm gonna have to find a job to pay for all the stuff she wants to do!  Just kidding!  Plus, until she is older it will only be one thing at a time.  We believe kids need time to be kids!

Ally's first birthday!

I wasn't gonna post this until I uploaded the pics, but I realized if I waited to long I would forget stuff.  It has already been 2 days since her birthday, and I am sure I'll forget something.

The day was amazing.  I had to get up at 4am for Evie's cheer competition.  We left around 5.  When we finally arrived home I began cleaning for the party.  I ran to walmart for some supplies.  I made an Elmo cake.  Hubby decorated it, and did an amazing job! Hopefully I will get the pics off my camera and on the computer tomorrow (don't hold your breath, I am the queen of procrastination!).

I had planned on having the party around 3 or 4.  So I didn't plan on dinner or really any food at all!  I just figured we would eat cake open presents and that would be it!  I thought we would all be so tired I didn't want it to be a big deal, but at the same time it's her first birthday.  Well everyone arrived a little late.  So the party didn't start till 5 or 5:30.  Plus, everyone was hungry! I had little food, and most of it was frozen. 

My mom went to the store and got tons of food.  The kids swam in the pool. I was so surprised Evie and Topher were awake and having fun.  They had been up since 4:45am, and going strong all day!  They were so cute in the pool.  Topher was swimming like a big boy (which just means he wasn't screaming or crying that he was scared, the pool is only 32inches high!).  He was so proud of himself.  At one point her said, "I'm having fun mommy!" Which was so cute!

 I let Ally open a present because if was for outside.  A sand and water table. She loved it!  My mom got her a baby that plays peek a boo and a swim suit with built in floaty.  Nana and papa got her clothes, and she got more but I told you I already forgot stuff! 

When my mom got back with the food everyone was starving.  Ally was already in her highchair and a mess so we decided to have cake right away.  She liked her cake, but was totally freaked out by everyone singing her.  You could tell she didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  She loved her cake. Or I assume she did cause she ate a lot of it and made a huge mess.  So bad we decided just to put her into the bath! 

Everyone had tons of fun.  My mom, dad, sisters Abby and Rachael, and brother Isaac didn't leave till around 10!  Ally was so cranky at this point.  She carried her baby up to bed and didn't put it down during diaper change or getting her pjs on!  She cried when I took it away so I let her sleep with it.  All 3 of the kids were asleep within minutes of laying down!  I wish bed time was that easy every night!

Gratitude journal

Starting a gratitude journal is harder than I thought.  Every night I write 5 things I am grateful for.  The first 2 or 3 come very easy.  The rest take more work.  I have noticed a little change already.  During the day I am paying attention and looking for things that I am grateful for.  Of coarse I am doing this to make my journal writing easier, but the hope is that at some point it changes the way I look at things.  Thus, helping me become the person I want to be!

blogger problems

UGH, I wanted to comment on some people's blogs but it won't let me.  It just keeps going in a circle.  I click on post then it takes me to log in.  Then takes me back to the comment I am posting to enter the captia thingy (which I hate).  Then takes me back to log in to my google account.  I am already logged in thou.  I found the blog posts on my blogger dashboard!  I am so mad, but to frustrated to go through blogger help and figure it out!

Things kids say

I wanted a pop the other day as Topher and I were running errands.  I packed him a lunch box with snacks, but of coarse forgot anything for me!  So I told him I wanted a pop and asked him if he had one for me.  I knew the answer.  When he said "No!" I asked why he didn't bring me one.  His response was that "Nobody got you a pop cause you not a good girl!"  Apparently I was bad that day!  I couldn't say anything I almost died laughing.  I still don't know what I did wrong!

The kids were all sitting at a small table in the kitchen eating dinner while I cleaned the kitchen.  After they finished eating Evie went into her room and picked out her clothes for school.  When she finished the other kids were in the toy room playing.  I heard Evie say "Ally what are you doing? I haven't seen you in a while!"  It had been at most 5 minutes since she last saw her sister! 

Topher first Occupational therapy appointment

We were having a nightmare of a day, and I thought it was gonna be hell at his appointment.  He proved me wrong.  I was thinking who is this kid.  He was actually really good!  They did put him in a turtle swing in the beginning for maybe 10 or 15 minutes.  He was an angel after that!  I gotta get us one of those!  I have no idea where we would put it, but that might be a worth while investment.  I was amazed at how calm and well behaved he was after that.

They also put him to work with weights on his ankles and wrists.  He had to carry heavy balls around the room, and do various tasks with them.  He loves doing work at home to.  He did really well.  Looking back at the day after his therapy he was relatively good.  He did have a couple instances but those were more due to him being very tired.  He woke up at 4:40 that morning!  He is seriously crazy, who gets up that early!  I'm joking.  I have never been an early bird.  He usually gets up around 7 or 8.

So our first experience I would have to say considering everything was very good.  After a few weeks she will have a home plan for us and hopefully we will see some improvements.

Gratitude journal

Thinking of starting a gratitude journal.  I think I get so busy with all our daily coming and goings that I get forget to actually live my life in the moment.  I have so much to be grateful for, but still find myself bogged down and battling off and on with depression.  So my goal is to get back to myself. Become that happy and always smiling girl I was in high school.  Take time to focus on the positives and leave the negatives for God to sort out. 

Too often at the end of the day I've been so rushed I can't even remember what happened that day.  I feel like I am living my life in a fog, and the worst thing is I am missing it! So I am gonna stop and smell the roses. Slow down and make some changes.  I think the one thing that will be the most helpful in this reprogramming project is to start and stick with a gratitude journal.  I am not sure if it will be online or private, thou. If you don't see it posted I decided not to share.  I am hoping this will help me get a good start by changing my outlook, and allowing me to focus on the positives.

I will let you know if it is helping me and how my progress is going.

Blaaahhhhh

I'm not sure if that's a word or not, but that is kinda how I feel.  Unsure of everything.  I'm like a deer in headlights.  So afraid to move, or make the wrong move that I'm just sitting here.  We all know what happens to deer in headlights. 

Memorial day fun!

Even though Evie was a little sick we stuck to our memorial day plans.  How can you tell a 4 year old she can't go to the zoo just because her eye hurts.  Online it said she wasn't contagious cause it wasn't seeping anymore.  Plus, we've all been sanitizing hands like mad!  We had so much fun, but it was so hot!  Then we went to eat at an old fashioned burger place. It was good, but I remember it being better!  Then we went to a store and were there for an eternity and didn't even buy much!  It was a nightmare.  After that I was exhausted. 

When we got home Ally took a nap and the kids played outside.  Daddy did some much needed yard work.  He trimmed all the hedges!  Topher had fun helping him when he could.  When Ally woke up I took her out to, and we played until I had to smack a mosquito off Ally's head! Thankfully, I only have to tell my kids mosquitoes are out, and they head for the house.  We hate those buggers!

We didn't make it to the beach though! Slight bummer, but I am sure it was packed anyways.  The kids were upset because there's a splash park at the beach and we planned on going there.  Maybe tomorrow will be nice!

Pink eye, Update

Poor Evie just as I feared woke up twice last night with her eye matted shut.  Not entirely but enough to freak her out.  It was better today no more goop anyways!  The left eye is back to normal, but the right is still a little pink and slightly swollen. 

To make matters worse she complained a little of a sore throat yesterday, and this evening was a little horse.  She told me last night the eye drops made her throat hurt. I just figured it was because she screamed like crazy each time I gave them to her.  Now, I think she must be coming down with something.  She probably will be to sick for school tomarrow.  Hope not! 

Cheer competition

UGH! Evie's cheer competition is coming up, but she has to be there at 8m Goshen time!  Which is 7am our time!  Awesome!  To make things even better the drive there is gonna take an hour and a half!  Fun.  So we need to leave between 5 and 5:30 to get there on time.  Probably closer to 5 just in case we get lost or something. 

We are trying to decide between getting up that early and going to a hotel in Goshen or Elkhart.  I know the kids would love that, who doesn't.  Plus, we'd get to swim!  However, the last time we stayed at a hotel we hardly had any sleep.  All 3 kids had so much trouble falling asleep, and all of them woke up at times during the night.  It was horrible.  Dennis and I were so tired the next day.  We definitely don't want that, but getting up at 4 am doesn't sound fun either!

I guess either way we won't know what the best choice is, or rather would have been until we've done it.  I am leaning towards getting up early!  But I do love a hotel stay, or at least I would if the kids would sleep! 

P.S.  I've looked at A LOT of different sites today comparing hotel rates, and hotwire has been the cheapest.  However, their site doesn't give you the type of room.  Example: Is it a kind, or double bed?  Plus, they require you pay for your room before they tell you the hotel name.  They tell you all the amenities.  So the name shouldn't really matter, but I need to know bed info!  So cheapest site isn't always best!

Pink eye

Poor Evie has pink eye, and I hope no one else gets it.  She has always been very susceptible to it for some reason.  I got it from her once and it is painful.  It hit fast and hard today.  I saw some goop (yep that's the technical term!) in the corner of her eye this afternoon.  I thought nothing of it and wiped it away, but within minutes it was back! 

I told her she needed eye drops and she flipped out.  So I said we'd watch it and see if it got worse she'd definitely need eye drops.  I should have just given her the eye drops then because it did get worse, and fast.  Her eye got pinker and pinker.  After dinner, probably two hours after the first appearance of the goop, her right eye was swollen significantly. 

At this point she asked for the eye drops.  I still had to sit on her to hold her down.  Even doing this did not make the task any easier.  I'm not sure if I got enough if any actually in her eyes on the first try.  I waited a couple hours and it wasn't improving at all.  They seemed to be getting worse still.  So I tried the drops again.  This time I wrapped her tight in her softy (special blanket), and was thus better able to get the drops in.  This time I was able to pry her eyelids apart a tiny bit and the drops definitely went in.  I also gave her some ibuprofen cause she had to of been hurting pretty bad. 

She is asleep now, but tossing and turning.  I hope she wakes up looking better.  The last time I put the drops in she had massive amounts of goop, and I am worried she'll wake up with her eyes matted shut.  I imagine that would be really scary.

Canon printer

The darn computer chip fell off my ink cartridge and is lost in my printer, but I emailed cannon on their website about it.  They are sending me a new one! A whole new ink cartridge! For free!  I don't ever get anything for free can ya tell!

I have an all in one printer from canon pixma and absolutely love it, till the ink cartridge incident!  Problem solved thanks Canon!

Twitter update

Well I'm back on Twitter! I have no idea what happened!  I don't know why they suspended me, but I got  a txt from someone saying "thanks for the follow"! So I logged on and yep I'm back! 

No explanation at all!  But I guess I should just be happy to be back!  I love still love you twitter!

Twitter

To all my Twitter followers you might notice I have not had any tweets of late!  Not by choice!  Twitter suspended my account! I have no idea why! They didn't email me or anything.  I have contacted them to try and remedy the issue and have yet to hear back!

Worst part is I love Twitter, more than facebook even.  I am so bummed. I hope they fix it.  As far as I know I didn't violate any rules.  I don't see how I could have!

Coupons!

Ok so is anyone else going crazy watching that new coupon show! Really 600$ in groceries for like 6 bucks!  Come on! I am on a mission to see if that can really be done.  I have to I need a job but with 3 kids I can't afford to work!  Why pay someone else to raise my kids, and then after filling up the gas tank I'd be left with some change. I don't think so. However, if this coupon thing is really really real then I don't need a job.

Now where to begin! How the heck do they get all those coupons!!!

Well my first step will be to get an ink cartridge for my printer!  I have ink but I lost the tiny computer chip that goes on one of them so I need a new one!  Great probably 80$ or so right there!  But with so many things being online I think that printing out coupons is the place to start. 

So before I go shopping I plan on searching the net for coupons and printing them! Once I do that I'll let you know how it went!  Wish me luck! If anyone has any advice I am all ears! 

Lost a week

I feel like I've lost a week somewhere.  I looked on her and it's been a week since my last post.  I didn't know it had been that long.  I was sad a couple days, sore a couple days, tired a couple days, and had a bad headache so yep that's a week!  Wow time goes by so fast!

taking time for myself

 I don't make the time for me to do much of anything these days.  In fact when asked what I do or liek to do I usually can't think of anything that doesn't involve the kids! However, I am quickly discovering that you can't live like that very long.  Soon your world falls apart because you become a horrific unrecognizable monster.  Really I scarcely recognize my reflection anymore!

It is true you must take care of yourself before you can take care of your family.  I have neglected myself too long.  I am hating who I have become.  So my goal is to take time for myself.  I love to read and write. Heck these days I just love to breathe!

Easier said than done! 

My goal is to no longer use nap time to clean!  The kids take a rest and so will I.  One way or another, so today I read from a book I check out and rechecked out.  So I've almost had it for 2 months now!  But its a parenting book, of coarse.  Baby steps! Eventually I'll read a book for pure entertainment! 

 I will tell you all about the book once I finish reading it.  I am very interested in it "Simplicity Parenting: Using the extraordinary power of less to raise calmer, happier, and more secure kids"  by Kim John Payne.  I highly recommend it and I'm only on chapter 4. 

I also wanna/ need to start exercising but well take this one step at a time.

snack time

I can't believe the things my kids will and won't eat.  It is so crazy!  Today for snack I asked my daughter (she's 4) "What would you like for snack today?" 

"Chips and peanut butter!"  She happily replied!

"We only have tortilla chips are you sure you want chips and peanut butter?" I asked!

"Yes! CHIPS AND PEANUT BUTTER!"  was her enthusiastic reply!

While I thought that this was absolutely disgusting I held my tongue and provided a plate of chips and a bowl of peanut butter!  Which she sat and ate!  She must have sensed my disgust because she kept saying "UMMMM GOOD!"

To each their own!

Bottle transition!

Ugh, So Ally is 11 1/2 months, and magically at 12 months she is supposed to be off the bottle.  Sounds like an alcoholic or something so serious.  I know this will be difficult for me because both my other two were on the bottle way past 1.  I think Evie was almost 3 and Topher was over 2. 

I am hoping to do this right this time, but not so confident!  I have started to give Ally milk occasionally.  She loves chocolate milk!  That isn't the problem.  The real problem is that she associates a bottle with bed time.  She always asks for milk when she is tired.

The biggest issue is a problem I have created.  I started giving her bottles in bed!  I know big big mistake. It has only been a month or two, but it seems to be long enough to have created a habit!  It started when the other kids were fighting and I couldn't sit and feed Ally I had to run in and stop them.  So Ally was put in her crib with her bottle.  She was asleep when I came back.  Now look what I've done!

Starting therapy!

Well at Topher's 3 year old check up our pediatrician recommended occupational therapy (OT) and Behavioral therapy.  We procrastinated starting the therapy, because of the concern for the cost.  I am still very concerned of whether or not we can afford the therapy.  However, that concern is now overshadowed by my fear of whether or not we can afford not to have him in therapy.  I guess I will never know until we try it out.

He had his initial intake appointments this week.  The OT wants to see him twice a week.  "Just great!"  My reaction!  Even more stress, more gas money, more everything!  Plus, my insurance is giving me a run around of what and how they cover this.  Basically, I am being told they won't know until they process the claim!  Even thou the therapist called with all the codes they needed to process a claim.  I can't get a direct answer.  I understand that to some point.  But come on!  I need to know what I am looking at here for costs.  If its to high I don't want to find out after I have a bill I can not afford.

So here we go trying it out!  Praying it helps and is worth all this stress. 

Dermatologist

Ugh, I need to see a dermatologist.  I have this spot on my hand that was tiny and would flare up every know and then.  It has grown to be a couple inces in diameter.  It is now very itchy and scally.  It gets rally irritated from me itching.  My mom (shes a nurse) thought it was psoriasis.  My dad (a doctor) said its either excema or somthing else I could never pronounce let alone spell.  If its that I'll need steroid shots!  So looks like I gotta go to the specialist and see.  Fun!  Now that I have the kids I hate going to the doctor. It is such an inconvienience.

when Tophers attack

I should have known something was up.  Topher came downstairs and said "Mommy, Evies awake."  I told him they both were supposed to be in bed and to go back to bed.  Then I heard Evie yell.  She yells for me at night because she isn't allowed to get out of bed unless its an emergency. 

I started to go upstairs when I realized she wasn't yelling she was screaming. I ran upstairs and found Topher on top of Evie hitting her.  He was hitting her because she took of her blankets.  She was hot and took off her blankets. Topher took this to mean she wasn't going to bed like she was supposed to.  So when she refused to put her blankets on he attacked. 

Mothers day!

This was my day!  Not very relaxing but I had fun. 

First we all got up and got ready for church.  As amazing as this may sound we were on time!  We made it all looking nice and no frantic yelling or screaming!  Actually we were a little early.  Bummer I did forget the camera (needed desperately since hubby and baby were getting baptised)!  Thankfully nana brought hers.  My mom was late (of coarse)and missed the baptisms!  She bought lunch!  All is forgiven.

After church we all went to eat at a local restaurant.  It was so packed we were there for 2 hours!  It was fun though and none of the kids got to cranky or out of control!  Awesome.  Daddy got agitated.  He was worried our pool would over flow!  He left it filling up during church.  Being above ground if it overflowed we were worried it would collapse! 

Then we planned on taking the kids to the zoo.  The kids new it, but half our party couldn't go.  My nephew vomited in the car.  The adults no longer wanted to go, and I was stuffed after lunch.  However, my kids did not forget the promise of a zoo trip.  So I took them to the zoo.  Which was fun, and hopefully burnt off some of the calories I added at lunch!  I ate A LOT!  It was so good!

Then instead of resting (which at this point I desperately needed)  we had to go to my moms.  The kids made cakes at the store and Evie said hers was for grandma.  They had a set up where you could buy a little cake and then your kid could decorate it.  Awesome Idea. Hubby forgot I had to go to my moms and rented Green Hornet.  He said they (him and in-laws) would watch it then watch it again with me. Yeah right I figured, so I was mad and tired.

So we went to my moms, but we couldn't just say here's the cake adios!  So we stayed for about two hours. Actually it was mission impossible getting my kids to leave.  I almost left my son to spend the night, but he finally decided to go home.  Evie got her nails painted by her aunt Abby (she's 11).  Topher colored on my moms Ipad, and played outside with his uncle Isaac (he's 9).  It was fun, but now I was exhausted!

We went home and I had to get the kids fed and to bed.  Daddy helped, but the kids were fired up so it took a bit.  Once in bed the two littlest ones passed right out, but Evie was up till after 10.  Hubby was true to his word we watched the Green Hornet together.  He actually waited for me.  Which made me feel so much better. Usually if I don't watch something with him I never get to watch it.  There is always something to do! 

By the time I got to go to bed I was so tired I wanted to cry!  Hubby felt bad I was so upset, but I tried to explain to him it wasn't him.  I was just running on empty.  Got some good sleep and woke up in a great mood today.  Only to find MOLD around the windows upstairs.  So my day today was equally exhausting eradicating mold and washing everything! I may have over reacted, but oh well its so nice up here now!

Seriously insane

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein

The way I am raising my son is seriously insane, according to Albert Einstein.  I am just at the end of my rope.  Everything that I am doing isn't working.  So I finally broke down and set up his occupational therapy and behavioral therapy.  We start next week.  Hopefully, they can use their expertise and help me handle his behavior.

I am tired of dealing with his outbursts after they happen.  I want to know why these things happen and how to prevent them.  Nothing we have done so far has helped.  We haven't even been given a concrete diagnosis. 

He is so defiant.  He is so rough.  He is so wild.  Then other times he is so quiet, easy going, and loving.  You seriously never know what you're gonna get.  I got twins in one kid!  It's driving me crazy.  But reality hit hard when I realized I shouldn't have to tell Evie to avoid her brother (at any time) because of the mood he is in he might hurt her.  That is crazy.

Homemade pizza!

 Today my home visitor from Dunebrook gave me a mother daughter cook book.  As Evie was flipping thou it I saw a recipe for pizza.  I checked all the ingredients and amazingly we had everything to make our own sausage pizza.  So I thought what the heck lets have some fun.

Well it was fun, and messy!  We all ended up covered with flour.  Topher ate some of the dough, I think that's ok! I don't see why not.  The only bad part was that I didn't read through well enough.  I new we had to let the dough rise, but didn't realize how long!  It needed to rise for 2 hours! 

So all together the pizza took almost 3 hours to make.  The poor kids didn't even get to try some they had to go to bed!  I let them stay up later than usual already, but they had to eat dinner.  So they had soup! Oh, well we all had fun, and my kids love soup anyways! 

The pizza was GOOD!  I am so amazed.  Mostly because I am no Betty Crocker!  It was a little salty probably because I used sea salt rather than salt. Or because I put some garlic salt on the crust.  I was worried it would taste to tomato because I used spaghetti sauce.  I am so proud we will definitely make this again, only with more planning so we can actually eat it at dinner time!  I am actually just happy it was edible!

Ugh

Also the kids still have coughs. Topher's coughs are the worst. When ever he gets to coughing he usually can't stop and ends up vomiting. I hope he doesn't have trouble next year at school. He'll probably get sent home a lot! But he's not really sick it just all comes out from him coughing so bad.  On top of all his other problems he supposedly has reactive airway disease, and exercise induced asthma. I just hope it doesn't prevent him from being in sports. Although I was told he is to young for testing so we don't know for sure.  He doesn't take meds I just clean up the vomit!



I am so down today.  I got irritated at my hubby for no big reason, and he doesn't even know it.  I'm trying to let it go.  Plus it was a bummer of a day, weather wise!  Just a rough day.  I'm probably over tired, and over stressed.  I applied for 5 jobs and no one has called yet.  I know it probably won't work out.  I know I need to be here with the kids. I know what I do is important, but I still find myself feeling like it isn't enough.  The economy is rough, and these days money is never enough. 

Stuttering????

A couple nights ago Topher, age 3, started stuttering.  This is something he has never done before, and it is very random.  We immediately called the pediatrician who said this is normal.  He said that stuttering is very common among kids his age that are advanced.  Apparently his brain is working faster than his body can physically keep up.  The doctor said it would last a week or even a month, but probably not longer than that. 

I am still very concerned and worried.  I don't understand why this would just suddenly start out of no where.  He has been tested and is very advance for his speech.  He at the level of a 5 or 6 year old.  However, this doesn't ease my stress.  I don't know what to do.  If anything can be done.  Every moment that passes by I pray it isn't something serious and were just wasting time.

I do totally trust my kids pediatrician.  Even thou the doctors rationale seems to fit it just isn't sitting right with me.  I don't know how to explain it.  I guess I'd feel better if some tests were done and we knew for absolute certain that there was nothing wrong.  However, the doctor said he would not order an mri for stuttering.  He said if he has any other symptoms such as headaches, vomiting, or it gets worse to call.  Then I guess he will order an mri or ct-scan, but will that point be to late?

I don't know, and maybe I am just worrying for no reason.  I am a mother and I guess that just comes with the job.

not so perfect night!

I thought this was the perfect night all 3 of my kids were in bed by 7pm!  Which is there actual bed time!  Amazing right, I celebrate way to soon.  By 7:30 both my girls were asleep.  I thought this is awesome. I had very little to do, thank you to my mother in law who is staying for a few days!  So I was going to bed early. 

My son was awake and kept getting out of bed.  I told him if he got up again I was going to spank him,
I had just gotten down stairs when I heard my son yelling for me.  Which yep woke up the baby!  I left her in her crib hoping she would go back to sleep, but the crying just got worse.  I knew she was still tired, but the little nap she took was enough she couldn't go back to sleep.  So I had two kids out of bed, and only one asleep. 

I gave up and let them play, and was just bringing them to bed when my oldest started yelling for me.  She usually sleeps all night once asleep so this worried me.  She said she needed a band aid on her finger. Ok, now all three were awake!  UGH! 

Finally now at almost 10pm the baby is asleep, and the other two are watching a video from their beds.  Please, please fall asleep!  I really really really want to go to bed now!

Great Birthday!

Today was a great birthday!  Even thou my hubby had to work.  My mom sent me a txt this am telling me happy birthday.  Which is amazing she remembered she's just like that!  Both my dads called me.  Meaning my biological and step father.  Which really made my day.  Tons of friends on facebook told me happy birthday!  Which rocked cause I been feeling like I had no friends.  I been blue for a while.  I woke up day over 30 and realized I'd never be president.  Now I realize who the heck wants to be president. I may not be put in history books but I am super important to 3 lil people and that's all that matters.

The kids all told me happy birthday.  Yes, I swear my almost 11 month old actually said "Happy Birthday Mommy!"  My In laws watched the kids and my sister took me to Applebees for dinner. Where yep 2.99 margaritas woo hoo!  While we were out the kids with their nana made me birthday cupcakes.  With pink frosting my favorite!  The kids hid when I walked in and jumped out singing happy birthday, with help from their uncle Ike he's 9!

All in all a great day!  I even got to play at the park a bit with the kids to!  Only thing that would have made this day better was spending more of it with the love of my life!  But somebody has to pay the bills!  He works hard for us and for that I am truly thankful!

QUP6KWMMDWS3

Life changing day!

I got a new mattress from my moms today. It isn't new but ours is horrible so were gonna try and see if it works for a while.  We'd buy a new one, but we just got a new car, and when we get a new mattress I want to go all out! I want the best mattress money can buy even if it takes me 4 years to pay it off.  My hubby has serious back problems.

Anyways this is way off the topic. Evie went upstairs because she wanted to put the pillows back on my bed.  Topher went upstairs because Evie went upstairs.  I have no idea what exactly transpired.  I was still downstairs.  I didn't think anything of them being up there alone.  It wasn't for long, and I was coming up soon. 

I heard screams and crying from both kids.  So I ran up.  Evie was on the floor with one pillow under her and one above her head holding her hair down.  She was hysterical, and stained with tears.  Topher was behind the pillow that was over her hair.  It was slightly on his lap.  He was crying to.  I immediately asked what was going on.

It was difficult between all the hysterics to understand, but after a few moments I got the idea. Topher had apparently held the pillow over Evie's face!  She said she couldn't breath and was scared.  I asked Topher, why he was crying.  He said he was crying for his binkie. 

Apparently she was trying to put the pillows on my bed and he was trying to take them downstairs.  So they fought.  My son is only 3, but I have had difficulty holding him back when he is after something. The boy is a tank.  So she didn't stand a chance. 

This was very traumatic for Evie because about a half hour later she just started crying.  I asked her why she was crying.  She said when you love someone sometimes you cry.  She is 4!  Where is this coming from I thought?  I just held her and told her I loved her.  She said she was crying because she loves me and her daddy.

Approximately 30 minutes later I was putting them to bed.  Evie started talking about the incident with the pillow. So I asked, "How did it make you feel?"  She said "scared" "I thought I had to go to the hospital and then the clouds and I would never see my mommy and daddy again."  She thought she was going to die.  My daughter seriously thought her brother was going to kill her this evening.

After she said this I hugged and kissed her.  My son then said, "I was killing her."  I know he has no idea what that really means, but still I was shaken to my core.  I said "No we don't kill anyone.  It is against the rules.  It is absolutely unacceptable behavior. Promise me you will never put a pillow on someones face again."  His response was "promise me you wont hit, kick, or spit."  These are all rules we have posted on the fridge.  I constantly tell him when he breaks them that you don't do these things because they are the rules and point to the fridge for a visual. I think that is why he brought them up at this point.  I said "Ok I promise now you promise me too."  He said "trust me"  at this point in the conversation I was floored!  Who am I talking to I thought?  I said "promise me you won't put pillows on peoples faces any more"  He did.  So I hugged him and said "I trust you."

Then I realized we need to make big changes here.  No longer will Topher be allowed to play any type of violent games.  I removed his army guys, toy swords (he has 2 from medieval times), toy shield, and one hand craved wooden toy gun.  We are gonna have to be careful of what he watches.  He loves transformers, but even the cartoon is really violent.  We are gonna have to watch how he plays.  He is not to be alone with either of his sisters.  I don't know what else to do.

Know don't get me wrong.  My son is very sweet.  He is rough and tough.  He has sensory processing disorder.  He doesn't realize how strong he is.  He loves deep pressure, and bumping into things.  He doesn't understand that things like that hurt others.  He also has a high pain tolerance.  Therefore doesn't understand that things hurt others because it doesn't hurt him. 

Also he does not seem to understand the emotions of others.  He is very caring and worries about others.  He just doesn't seem to get the social cues from people to get whats going on.  I don't know if that really makes sense.  I'm trying my best to explain it, but I don't understand it fully either.  I do not think he realized what was going on, and the ramifications of his actions.  He doesn't seem to understand consequences at all.  He has severe impulse control issues as well. 

He is a good boy but very challenging (aka a hand full).  He is supposed to be in occupational therapy and behavioral therapy, but we can't afford it.

Also,  A couple weeks ago he was trying to hold her head under the water in the bath to. I feel like a failed mother.  How did things get like this?  Where did I go wrong?  What do I do? How do I fix this? 

Diaper rash!

I despiratley want to tell you all about Easter, but that will have to wait.  I am so worried about my babies bum! The poor thing has had a diaper rash for what seems like an eternity!  She had antibiotics in the begining of the month for an ear infection, and then we went into my moms hot tub I think it was the 7th! 

A few days later she had a couple pink spots.  I showed my mom (shes a nurse and mother of 7), she said it was a yeast infection and to use monistat.  I had nystatin ( i think thats spelled right) from the last time.  So I started using that.  Then it exploded!  Pink everywhere! I asked my dad (who is our family dr) he said bag balm and nystatin.  OK... So I did. That but the next day!

Then the unthinkable happened.  She had 2 spots that actually started to bleed between her butt cheeks!  I Felt horrible.  I always thought moms who let their kids butts get like this were horrible and neglecting their children.  I am neither so what gives? So nystatin 3 times a day and tons of bag balm (and I mean tons).  The pink cleared up and the sores started to improve.

Then it got worse!  She got pimply spots around her vagina!  At first a couple then tons!  And large red lumps around the top of her butt crack (below the small of her back).  Yes, medical professionals for parents and I have no idea what the appropriate terminology is for any of this! 

Took her into the family doctor (my dad)! He said diaper dermatitis.  The yeast infection appears to be gone, but the steroid cream can irritate.  Use antibiotic ointment and bag balm.  He said their is such a thing as too clean. I literally change her diaper so fast the pee is still warm when I change her.  In my efforts to keep her bum clean is it in fact too clean?  I'm not sure if that applies to butts! That was yesterday! Everything was getting better!

Not tonight! She screamed when I changed her last dirty diaper.  Her bum is getting red again, and bumps have not diminished!

So the list of what I have used nystatin, bag balm, A & D ointment, Vaseline, hydrocortisone cream, antibiotic ointment, and pixie dust (just kidding on that last one).  I am at a loss and my poor baby is suffering.  I called the pediatrician (we usually see him but he is so hard to get into these days that we often see my dad instead) I made an appointment! We have to wait till Friday!  Hopefully we survive till then! 

I have stopped feeding her fruits, and am only feeding her formula and bland foods so hopefully we can make what comes out a little less irritating on the bum!  I don't know if it will work but at this point I will try anything.

sick mama

If you wondering why I haven't posted in forever it's not because I'm depressed.  Nope, I am actually feeling really good these days.  I am just sick!  I had surgery the beginning of the month which took longer to recover than expected!  The pain medicine made me so sick and floaty feeling that I was miserable.  Now I am just sick.  Saw the doctor today and I have an upper respiratory infection.  The kids all have runny noses and coughs.  I asked about them, but because they are not acting sick I didn't bring them in.  He said their symptoms sound more like allergies.  So we'll watch them for the next few days and see how it goes.  I am on antibiotics and cough medicine ( that doesn't take the cough away it just makes me feel like I need to cough but can't)! 

Easter was so fun, but for another day!  Goodnight for now!  If I can stop coughing long enough to actually sleep!

working mom?

Ive decided to get a job!  Now what lol! I haven't applied for a job in 5 years.  I only want to work part time, when my hubby is off.  That being said I know I can't be to picky, but at the same time I have a college degree!  I want to make a decent amount of money.  I'm not talking a huge salary.  I'm thinking part time I'd like to bring home 800 a month.  So the search begins!  I don't know how this will go. I might end up at McDonalds.  Not that there is anything wrong with that it just wouldn't be my first choice!  I don't really want to work with food at all actually. 

So now what? I really don't know.  I'll keep you posted!

smack me!

My daughters teacher had a baby around the same time I had Ally (a little over 10 months ago), but she is pregnant again.  There is nothing wrong with that at all.  In fact I find myself every time I see her or think of her wishing I were pregnant too!  I must be going crazy!

Maybe it is because Evie and Topher are so close and that is such a special bond that in a way I wish Ally could have that to.  I don't know.  

the boogey man!

I was all set to go to bed early tonight!  I realize me not getting enough sleep is affecting my relationship with my kids.  I am a cranky mama, but I can't sleep lately. I think it has a lot to do with the pain medications from my surgery.  So hopefully things get back to normal soon.  However, I am getting addicted to my online time (which is quiet time when the kids are asleep)! 

Anyways I was in bed, lights out, and netbook off when I heard a loud thud!  I grabbed my cell and called my hubby.  Yep, still at work.  So I kept him on the line while I searched the house.  We have A LOT of hiding spaces!  It took forever!  No one was here, but I did find the back door locked but slightly opened.  I must not have shut it all the way.  So I am and was freaked out! 

Now an hour and a half later I'm still in bed and the lights are on and the netbook is on too! So much for a good night sleep tonight!  It wouldn't be so bad, but I worry about the kids.  Which keeps me up!  I worry too much! To the point where I am worried more than relaxed these days!

UGH

I feel so overwhelmed lately.  My legs seems hot around my incision from the surgery last Friday.  I hope its not infected, but I think it must be because it still hurts bad.  I feel like I did so much today, but nothing is done.  I don't even know what I did today or where the day went! My feet even hurt!  I am cranky and just wore out!

no boys!

Evie had cheer practice tonight.  This was her second session.  Earlier in the week we talked about cheer and the kids thought it was just for girls.  I told them that there are boy cheerleaders.  The boys catch the girls when they get tossed into the air. 

So tonight at practice Topher said he wanted to cheer to. I signed him up and was about to pay when my husband, who was watching the practice, noticed something was wrong and told me to go check on him.  He was sitting near the girls, but not participating in the warm ups.  I asked him what was wrong, and if he wanted to cheer or come sit with mommy and daddy.  He said he didn't want to cheer. 

We left the gym and watched from outside, like we always do until they call parents in.   While watching the practice Topher wanted to be held up so he could see the girls.  Daddy then asked him why he changed his mind about cheering.  Topher told him the girls said he couldn't cheer he was a boy.  Daddy asked who told him that.  Topher said it was the cheerleader coaching them.

I was furious.  I calmly went up to the adults and told them what he said.  They said he could cheer (of coarse).  That wasn't my problem.  I was upset he was told he couldn't.  Especially since when daddy took him into the gym he told the cheerleader coaching it that Topher wanted to cheer.  The lady running it went in and talked to her.  She said she didn't say that so I don't know what happened.  Maybe one of the little girls said something! I am not sure.  Maybe the teenaged cheerleader did say that and when confronted lied about it!  I will never know. 

I just don't want either of my kids to think they can't do something based on their gender!

I didn't know that!

Evie of coarse got out of bed tonight her excuse was she needed to bring me some dirty dishes. OK fine it actually saved me a trip upstairs to go get them.  Then she asked me to sign her a song.  I told her I would to go to bed and wait for me.  I was going to be up in a minute because I wanted to go to bed early and was going to ask daddy to wash the bottles.  Something I do every night before going to bed!

She thought this was a joke!  "Daddy can wash the bottles?"  She said it kinda confused and laughing a little.  I said "Yes, your daddy can wash the bottles.  He knows how!"

As she walked upstairs she just said "I didn't know that!"

I almost died clearly daddy needs some more chores on his todo list! LOL