Parenting is hard. No matter how you look at it or what you do Parenting is the hardest job you will ever have. Every parent is faced with his or her own unique challenges and no two kids are alike. The hardest thing about parenting for me is my mistakes. I know everyone makes mistakes. It is when those mistakes build up and I can't let go of them. Then I am left feeling like the worst mother in the world.
We have all been there. Your in the car with a headache and the kids are just being kids, but they are LOUD. You kindly ask nicely for them to quiet down, but nope. Then eventually you lose your shit! Excuse my language, but there really is no other way to describe it. You basically have a full on adult tantrum. It is not pretty. This leaves me emotionally empty and embarrassed of my behavior.
Later, my son has a meltdown. I do not react appropriately. We are in public and instead of worrying about him and his needs I get caught up in everyone staring. Most days I am good at ignoring the looks! However, today for some reason I am insecure and feel the pressure to parent in a way that, well is not my way. I do what I think is expected of me. I put my foot down. I will not stand for this behavior. It gets worse!!! He isn't giving me a hard time, because he is having a hard time. My heart breaks into a million pieces.
The next day we have to hurry we have a million things to do. I did not give myself enough time, nor did I allow time for any thing unexpected. We all know that's not going to end well. One child can't find a shoe, another child isn't dressed, two kids are playing video games and ignoring me. I keep saying get your stuff! Bring some toys, snacks.... No one listens.... We are late! I lose my shit!!!
I can go on and on about my daily mistakes. We all have been there done that. So why does it bother me so? Why do they mount up and crush me like a ton of bricks? Usually I can apologize to my kids and explain to them why I lost it.
I hope to show them I am not perfect. I hope to show them that I am not right all the time, and no matter what they deserve to be treated with respect. I hope to build in them self confidence to demand respect from others, but empathy as well. I hope they understand, and can apologize for their mistakes as well. But most of all I wish I didn't make so many mistakes. I wish the days could be full of laughter, but that isn't real life is it.
So even though I am not perfect I am human. I learn to forgive myself, and start tomorrow new! So maybe tonight I go to bed feeling like a horrible mom, but the truth is I am an amazing mom.
