My angels!

My angels!

Monday, June 30, 2008

Potty Mouth

I have a horrible habit of saying Sh**. I apparently say it so much I don't even realize I am doing it, but my daughter does. Her first word other than mama, dada, and no was unfortunately Sh**. I feel horrible. What am I going to say when she's 7 or 8 and asks me what her first word was. She actually says it at the right moments to. The first time she said it my husband had given her some fruit snacks, and she dropped them. Her response was Sh**. The elevator doors almost closed the other day before she could get in, and her response again was Sh**. Of coarse we were watching and pushed the open door button before they could have closed.

Our response to this is to just ignore it. I act as if I didn't hear it, and then I say Uh, Oh. I hope this works and puts an end to the potty mouth. One thing I learned my lesson there are ears everywhere.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Acid Reflux

I have two kids one 16 months and one 5 months. My first born, my daughter, was an easy baby with practically no problems. She was 6 months old when she got sick for the first time, and it wasn't anything more than a runny nose and fever. However, my son was another story from birth he always had something going on. He would occasionally spit up massive amounts. My daughter only spit up very small (tiny) amounts. My son put a new spin on spit up all together. He could spit up and not get any on him self, and he could spit up what looked like more than he had eaten. His spit up seemed more like vomiting to me, and sometimes it was really scary. He also would spit up not only after a feeding, but sometimes hours later.

Occasionally he didn't seem to even want to eat although he was hungry. He also would cry during feedings, and sounded like he was having troubles. His breathing was so scary when he would eat that I quit nursing him and simply bottle feed him breast milk. Even then he sounded odd when he would eat. Sometimes you would hear a sound start at his mouth and go all the way down to his stomach, and then he would cry a horrific cry. I was later told this was due to him swallowing air. I felt like a failure as a mother. My mom assured me that some babies just spit up a lot, and not to worry.

Around two months his spiting up started to really concern me. He seemed to spit up more and more frequently as well as large quantities of spit. I didn't think he was keeping enough in. Plus, he seemed to be in more pain after and during feedings. After two nights of excessive crying that started around 3 or 4 in the evening I took him to the doctor convinced something was seriously wrong. I was told he had GERD, and possibly colic. I was devastated at first. I felt like I had some how let him down. GERD is basically acid reflux disease, and I don't really know how to explain colic. Colicky babies cry for long periods of time. After I thought about it for a while I accepted the GERD and realized his father has the same thing. To this day if he drinks something to fast it comes back up. I didn't know what to think about colic. Plus, there's not really much you can do about it. Treating GERD came with a list of dos and don'ts.

I was told to get rice cereal and thicken his breast milk or formula with it. I was to feed him at a 30-45 degree angle, and to keep him upright for approximately 45 minutes after meals. I was also told not to lay him flat for very long. So he began sleeping in his car seat. Actually he spent a lot of time in his car seat. Unfortunately, this resulted in a slightly flat spot on the back of his head. I did all of these things, and still do desperately trying to make my baby a happy healthy baby. I also tried about 5 different types of bottles in an attempt to reduce air intake. We settled on Dr. Browns. I actually noticed an improvement after one feeding with the Dr. Browns bottles. We also no longer shake bottles to mix them. I was told this only adds more air so we stir them now.

We also tried a medication for acid reflux. I won't mention the name because we didn't really like it. He seemed to do better on it, but he became a very agitated baby. He just wasn't his happy self. It was like he had been switched with another baby. His disposition seemed to have totally changed. Although the medication did seem to help some we decided the benefits were not enough to continue it with the side effects.

He also would still scream out at times and cry for lengthy periods of time. Because he would stiffen his body during these crying spells I assumed he was in pain. However, he still does this today at 5 months when he is tired and having difficulty falling asleep. He has always been easily over stimulated. The problem I am facing now is wondering if he was actually in pain? If he was then he probably still is, but if not then he was just over stimulated and needed to get to sleep.

A couple weeks after my son was diagnosed with GERD he became violently ill. He was admitted to the hospital and transferred to another hospital that had a pediatric intensive care unit. Due to respiratory distress. He had RSV, and was in the hospital for a week. After his discharge he was home only for 2 days. At his check up he was sent back to the hospital and back to the pediatric intensive care unit again due to respiratory distress. This time it couldn't be RSV. The acid reflux and severity of the RSV were all related to a condition we discovered after his second hospitalization. He has what is called Laryngomalacia. A condition in his throat. While in the hospital he saw an ENT. Who set us up for a scope in his office, and confirmed the diagnosis. Later I will elaborate on the details of his hospitalization, and condition.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Could I be pregnant?

I don't really know what to think about all this. I don't really know what to do about it either. Well here it is. This is my problem. My son is five months old now. I have been taking birth control pills for almost 3 months. Usually you start them after your period. I was breast feeding and didn't have a period so I just started taking them after I took a pregnancy test to make sure I wasn't pregnant again. Once I started taking them I started my first period in about two years. Then I started the second pack and a few days later started my second period. I didn't keep track of the exact days or even how long they lasted. I couldn't even remember if I tried. I know that cause I have been racking my brains trying to recall every detail. That is just not going to happen. Any ways. I am almost finished with the second pack and no period!!! I also am tired and moody. News flash I am a mom to two tiny tots. I am going to be tired and moody! Right? Well, after careful review I have realized that last month I missed a few days I think three, and this month I forgot one night. I didn't even know that I forgot. So I took a home pregnancy test a couple days ago and it was negative. They don't have false negatives do they. I did have a dream where I told someone it was time to have another baby. I thought it was funny at first, but now I am not so sure. I have never been on birth control pills, but I always thought they caused your cycle to come like clock work. I haven't told anyone or asked anyone about it. I really don't want to jinx myself, but I am getting more and more nervous every day!! I never had a regular cycle before kids, but I also never took birth control pills. I am taking something called a mini pill. Oh, and guess what? Due to the holiday my OBGYN is closed until the 7th. How's that for service. Wish I could take a long vacation!

Monday, June 23, 2008

I give up! Update: My daughter won't sleep in her own bed.

I know I only worked at it for a little over a week, but this is killing me. I keep trying to get my daughter to sleep in her own bed, but she doesn't want to. The pediatrician said to keep at it and eventually she will get it. I don't know what she's supposed to get. So far all she has developed is a fear of walking by her bedroom when its close to bed time.

Tonight she was tired and ready for bed, but we had company over so she stayed up and played longer than she should have. After they left she grabbed her Binky, bottle, and blanket then started following me around. I had to go to the bathroom first. As she followed me we walked past her bedroom and she stopped and looked frightened at her room then at me. When she realized I wasn't going in her room she was fine. This hurt me so much. I felt so bad. I couldn't believe the look on her face. She remembered being put in there and was obviously seriously upset by it.

I posted a week update last Wednesday. Thursday night I put her in her bed again, but Friday and Saturday nights we were out of town visiting my In-Laws so our schedule got messed up. Sunday night I didn't put her in her crib for long I felt like I was starting all over and didn't really want to. So basically I gave up. She will be sleeping in our bed for now. The bad part of this is I have a six year old brother who still sleeps in my parents room almost every night. My husband seems to think at some point she will just want to sleep in her own bed. Yeah, when she's 13. The only good news is for now it saves us some money. We are now using her crib for Christopher who has needed to move from the bassinet to a crib for a long time now. I was procrastinating the move because our bassinet is a bed side one and due to Christopher's health problems I didn't want him very far from me.

The end result of all this will probably be me sharing my bed with Evie and Christopher while daddy gets the couch. So much for any romance. I don't even know what that means any more! I guess the best birth control is kids!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

exhaustion vs. depression

I don't know what my problem is lately. I am just so tired all the time. When morning comes I can hardly open my eyes. I know that raising two kids is going to be tough and I will get tired at times. I just don't know what is different about the past week or two that makes me so exhausted compared to the last four months.

I have been more tired lately than I was after having Christopher my youngest son who was born on 1-25-08. I didn't get to rest much after he was born because my daughter wouldn't let me. I also had to have my gallbladder removed 3 weeks after he was born. Then spent most of March in hospitals. My son was in and out of the hospital first for dehydration then they discovered he had RSV, and we also found out that he has a condition called Laryngomalacia. On top of all that my daughter was sick a couple of times, and got her molars in. Talk about rough times. None of that seems to compare to how I feel lately I am so worn down.

Most days when we wake up I get the kids dressed and get out of dodge. We head to my mom's house or the park. I know with two little ones going anywhere is somewhat of an adventure, but I feel like I need to go somewhere or do something. I start to go crazy just sitting at home with my kids. I think that probably makes me sound like a horrible mother, but I can't help it. At my mom's house I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters who can help me with the kids, and my mom has dogs that can keep my oldest entertained. So I don't have her attached to me.

At the park we walk around the mile track, I walk they ride in the stroller obviously. If I feel up to it we play a little at the playground. It is relaxing for me to walk, and then I feel like I've accomplished something for myself. I know we don't have to go anywhere, but somehow that seems easier to me than being at home. At home I look around at all I need to do, but haven't for whatever reason and it is depressing. I feel like a failure staring at the pile of laundry I can't fold. Try to fold clothes with one kid in your lap and the other rolling around in the piles of what was once neatly folded towels.

I don't really get any time for myself unless you count walking around the track at the park. The only time I have for cleaning (uninterrupted) is when they go to bed. If you read my past entries you know the trouble I'm having in that department with my daughter. Once I get them to sleep I clean, and I usually go online blog or check my myspace. Then I go to bed between 11 and 1 am. I know I need that time for sleep and maybe that's where my problem is. I have only been doing that for a little over a week now, but I like my time for myself with nobody crying or pulling on my pant leg.

I know that excessive tiredness can be a sign or symptom of depression, but who isn't a little depressed now a days. It takes double what it took last year to fill my gas tank. That alone would make anyone cry. If I go see a doctor all they will do is say, "Oh, it sounds like your depressed start taking these pills and see me next month!" I don't think so. I don't want nor do I think I need pills. It's just hard balancing time for me, Evie, Christopher, and Dennis. I couldn't even manage my time well before I had kids.

I think a lot of my being tired is also causing me to have anxiety and get more frustrated lately as well. Which mainly results in me being not so nice to someone who doesn't deserve it, and I'm not talking about my kids they are too cute to be mean to no matter what mood I'm in. Yep, my husband is suffering right along with me because I'm dragging him through the mud. I don't mean to, and since I know that I am doing it I'm trying to stop. It's just hard when your body feels like its full of a million bouncy balls bouncing in every direction possible. So what do I do? Do I need to see the doctor and take the addicting pills? If you have any ideas that don't involve prescriptions I'm all ears. My biggest concern is that I will fall asleep at the wrong time and someone will get hurt because I am so tired.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Update Week One: My Daughter Won't Sleep In Her Crib.

As you know my daughter is queen of our castle, and sleeps in the middle of our king size bed. We are trying to get her to sleep in her crib before her brother, who is almost 5 months now, decides that he wants to sleep with us too. Our pediatrician recommended us we get her used to her bed by starting with 5 minutes the first week then 10 and so on. We are to put her into the crib then once she starts crying the timer starts. Well it's been one week of pure torture.

I put her into her crib and immediately she started screaming. It sounded so bad. I thought I was going to cry. It really broke my heart she sounded like she was in pain. Well our princess is daddy's little angel so after 3 minutes he broke down and got her out. I was so mad that he couldn't wait 2 more minutes. Plus, after that she didn't even go to bed right away. So the first night really didn't count.

Day 2:
I out her into her crib for 5 minutes. She cried really bad, but not as bad as last nights. I tried to keep myself busy, but it was horrible. I went to get her out of bed and I almost broke down. She was so cute standing in her crib screaming, but she was doing the sign for "all done". I got her out of bed, and decided that she couldn't be rewarded with TV or anything it was straight to bed in mom and dads bed. So I laid down with her and to my surprise she was out in a matter of minutes.

Day 3:
I decided to also use this method for nap time and after 5 minutes in her crib she was out in 2 minutes for her nap. That was a record usually I have to lay down with her and watch TV for 30 minutes to 2 hours. I stuck to the no TV policy though. Bed time was harder. She cried like crazy again. Tonight she was in there for 10 minutes while I finished the dishes. When I got her out I felt like the worst mom in the universe. Her face was soaked from under her eyes to her neck with tears, snot, and slobber. I felt awful. Again we went to bed and with in minutes she was asleep.

Day 4:
Tonight was not any different from last only that due to having to take care of her brother also she was in her crib for 15 minutes. Again her face was wet. However, it may be that I am getting used to hearing her screaming in her bed or she's not screaming as intense as before.

Day 5:
Tonight was the worst night by far. Now she has caught on to the bed time routine. We eat dinner, she plays for a while, then gets her bath, then I try to get her to do relaxing things like read a book, and then we grab her bottle, Binky, and softy (her blanket we don't go anywhere without it) and off to bed we go. This time as I was getting ready to put her into her bed she held onto me. So I had to force her to let go of me and lay down. She never stays laying down before I get the bed rail up she's always standing up screaming. Actually having to pry her off me was so painful. I had to make myself put her into her crib. I didn't want to at all. When I got her out after 10 minutes I held her so tight and told her, "See mommy will always come back to get you." I don't know if that was the right thing to say or not.

Day 6:
Like yesterday my daughter has gotten the process down. She doesn't like it at all, and I don't know if she will ever sleep in her room. Tonight she was holding onto me before we even got into her room. When I carry her she never holds on, but tonight she had a death grip around my arm. When I got her out again she went to sleep within a few minutes, but she cries herself to sleep in my arms holding on like there is no tomorrow. When I try to move her next to me she cries and I have to tell her its OK. I think she's worried whether or not I'm still there. She has to hold onto both of my hands until she falls asleep now. When I let go she moves her hands all over until she finds mine again. She does this until she is finally into a deep sleep. Which usually takes 15 to 20 minutes.

Day 7:
My sister went into labor today, and we were at grandma's house until 11:30 pm. When we got home we went straight to bed. I was to tired to torture her tonight.

Lately, she cries more in her sleep. She has been waking up more frequently at night to. Although, that really isn't new she has yet to sleep through an entire night without waking up at least once. We have also been trying to wean her off bottles. She was doing really good down to one or two a day, and that was only at bedtime or during the night. However, lately she wants a bottle more often, and refuses her cups unless they are regular cups. I don't know if these set backs are from how traumatizing this really is to her or if they are just coincidence. I do know that I feel like a horrible mother for doing this to her.

The doctor seemed to think this process wouldn't take to long for her to figure it out. What exactly she is supposed to figure out is beyond me. It would seem to me that she is learning to cry until mommy comes. Because no matter how long it takes mommy will come, eventually.

If anyone has any advice or ideas I'm all ears. I can not keep increasing the time. What happens when we get to an hour. I'm supposed to let her cry for an hour? There has got to be a better way.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Good News!

I want to take a stroll down memory lane today and talk about the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time. As you may already know my husband and I have been married for 10 years this year. We dated for about a year prior to that. The entire time we were together we didn't use any birth control methods. After a while we started wondering why we didn't have any kids. I discovered that I had endometriosis and my husband had a varicocile that was repaired. According to my doctor there was no reason why we couldn't have kids. So we began to do all the things that couples do when they are trying. This included taking my temperature daily at the same time, and documenting everything from my cycle to when we had intercourse. We were told to had sex every other day. Then to make matters worse everyone and their brother had suggestions on what to do, what not to do, and how to do it. Intimacy became more like a job we had to do. However, like most marriages we got busy with other things and decided to leave the baby stuff up to God.

We had finally given up all hope and decided to look into adoption. Fortunately for us adoption is very expensive. I even thought about going to Mexico, apparently you can buy kids there. It sounds bad, but the parents want a good home for their kids and in most cases have to many already. I didn't know how legal this was and decided not to take any chances. So we went to the Family Services office. In order to adopt you have to first take classes. They try to get you to be a foster parent. I guess that when it comes to adopting a baby the foster parents are always given the opportunity first. Which is only fair the baby has been living with them and knows them. At this point I didn't care if it was a baby or not I just wanted to be a mommy. We thought foster parenting would be the way to go. Maybe this is what God intended for us. So I called Family Services and told them they said they would mail us a class schedule. I watched the mail eagerly it never came.

Then I had been feeling really tired for a couple weeks, but attributed it to the weather. Suddenly I felt horribly ill. I felt like I was suffering from the worst hang over known to man, but I hadn't had any alcoholic beverages in forever. I remembered hearing about all those deadly viruses like the West Nile Virus. I was sure that was what I had. My husband, Dennis, had some buddies over playing poker. Which I was not to thrilled about after all I was deathly sick. I asked one of his friends if his girlfriend was coming over. He said, "Yes."

I told him to call her for me. I informed her of how sick I was, and requested that she stop and buy me a home pregnancy test. If it was negative I was heading to the emergency room because it was only a matter of time before I would die. Thankfully she didn't mind helping me out. I took the test carefully. I honestly did not think it would be positive, but who ever wants to go to the emergency room? Plus, this was not the first time I had taken a test and I had failed miserably every other time. The results appeared instantly and were very dark. No mistake about it I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it I checked the paper a million times to make sure I read it right. I asked my friend to come in and verify the results. Calmly with a quiver in my voice I said, "Michelle, what does this mean?"

She said, "You're pregnant congratulations!" And gave me a hug.

I told Dennis to come inside and I felt my entire body shaking as I told him. He looked like a deer in headlights. I think I was dumbfounded. Then without a word he walked out side. A couple minutes later he came back in and he hugged me so tight I couldn't breath, and I had to actually tap out. He was so excited he started yelling at all his friends telling them the news. He called his parents and said, "Hi, Grandpa!" to his dad. Who did not get it. He thought we were referring to our two dogs at the time. Then he thought for sure we were kidding. My parents didn't get to excited yet. They were concerned the test might have been in error. So the next morning I took another one, positive again. To ensure it was no fluke since both tests came from the same package I went to the hospital for a blood test. It was official I was going to have a baby. I was so excited, and so so so sick. Its hard to be ecstatic when your that miserable the room wouldn't stop spinning, and it didn't for what seemed to me like an eternity.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Bad Dreams, Psychic Visions, or Paranoia

Have you ever had a horrible vision either while asleep or awake of something terrible happening to your children? For example your in a deep sleep and wake up all of a sudden at 3 am not because someone woke you up, but because you had a nightmare of your children being kidnapped. So you run into their rooms and make sure they are there, but seeing your precious little ones in bed isn't enough you must feel their chests to ensure they are also breathing. Or they are playing in their rooms so quietly you could hear a pin drop. All of a sudden your mind wonders and you have a vision of your child lying on the floor unconscious. You rush to their room to check on them only to find them sitting quietly reading (or pretending to read) a book. They might even be playing right in front of you when the possibility of a freak accident crosses your mind, and all you can do is hug and kiss your little one and thank God they are OK.

Maybe your driving your car or outside playing and you envision a horrific car accident in which you or your children are killed. At least that's the vision that haunts me. If we are driving I have a repeating vision of a car accident in which I am killed. Sometimes the children are killed as well, and sometimes only one of them is. If we are outside walking or playing (it could be anywhere) I have another horrible repeating vision of my oldest running out into the street only to be sent flying into the air by a passing car. Sometimes she doesn't even have to be in the street the car flies into the yard and hits her in my vision.

I know that everyone has these types of visions. Maybe it is a protection mechanism to make us aware of possible dangers so we avoid them. I don't know why we have them, but my concern is not having them. My concern is having the same one or type of one over and over. I really do not believe that I am psychic. However, the thought of losing one or both of my kids, or not being a part of their future scares me to death. I couldn't handle it. You hear stories all the time of the many horrible things that happen to children, and I don't know how their families move on. Maybe they don't.

So the question is am I overly paranoid, and being driven crazy by visions of the possibility of my worst fears coming true. Or is some type of psychic vision preparing me in advance for catastrophe. All I can do is thank God every day and night for their safety, and pray that it lasts forever.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Irish Twins: Cheating One?

I love my children very much. With that being said, Having the two so close together is very difficult. I often wonder if I am missing out on things with one or the other. Or worse if I am causing them to miss out on something or really cheating them out of some part of their childhood.

Because they are both so young they are each changing so fast it is hard to keep up. I feel that because each day moves so fast we are already missing out. It is hard enough to just get through the day with my sanity let alone stop and smell the roses. I feel so frantic at times, especially when they both are crying. The little things get missed and rushed instead of held onto and cherished. Whether its rocking the baby or cuddling with my daughter to help her fall asleep (it's the only way to get her to fall asleep) I have to force myself to take a deep breath, relax, and forget the world to so I can be completely in that moment. However, with thoughts of laundry, dishes, a neglected husband, a badly needed shower, and lots more cleaning circling round in my head relaxation even for a moment is next to impossible. Ironically, these time consuming moments are going to be the ones that are missed the most later, and I'll never be able to get them back.

I want to remember every minute of each of my kids lives. I want to be able to look back and tell them all about themselves as babies when they're adults. I want to remember the way they looked, acted, and smelled (at least after a bath I can do without remembering the dirty diaper smell). I also want them to remember their childhoods as happy fun times. I fear that with them being so close this may not be possible. Already so much has been over looked and forgotten during our frantic daily adventures. Most days I can't remember if I had a shower or not let alone what the kids did that day. Last week is a blur lost amidst dirty diapers, bottles, sippy cups, and bubble baths.

I also want to be the best mother that is humanly possible. Better than all the mother's before me. Unfortunately, it is difficult to give either one of them my full attention during most of the day. I try my best to allow one on one time throughout the day for each child. Ideally this is a great practice, but it is easier said than done. If one or the other needs something they are both at the age where they let you know that loud and clear, and neither has the ability to wait for long. I usually make my youngest wait if he can so his sister doesn't think he is causing her discomfort. Then I feel guilty like I should have known what was going to happen and planned ahead accordingly after all I am super mom right?

I think a large part of the problem is that so much is expected of mothers. We are supposed to be June Cleaver and have a clean home, happy children, dinner on the table, and all done in high heals with our pearls on. The reality isn't that pretty. Some days dishes are piled high others its laundry and even look at the carpet! My toddler likes to eat on the go! As a stay at home mom I feel like I should have everything done for the house, the kids, and my husband. I mean that is my job. I know it sounds like I am complaining, but I am not I wouldn't trade my job for anything in the world. It is the best and hardest job on the planet.

It just feels at times like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I have the fate of two human beings to think about with every decision I make. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason so to answer my question, "No I don't think it's cheating to have my kids so close in age. I think they are just the way God intended them to be, and I love them for who they are and who they will become. I just pray that I can be the mother they need to get them there, where ever that may be."

Baby Sign Language

If you are like me the first time you heard baby sign language you thought what and why? What is it, and Why teach it to my baby she or he isn't deaf and doesn't know anyone deaf? Then I did a little research and heard testimonials from those who taught their children sign language. I realized that for the first 3 years of her life my daughter is going to have difficulty communicating due to the simple limitations of her age. I also discovered that she already new 2 signs, hi and goodbye. So I thought why not give it a try. I bought some inexpensive materials from the local bookstore. After all I wasn't going to waste a fortune if it wasn't going to work. I had a couple DVDs for watching with her and one or two instructional ones. I had some flash cards with pictures on one side and the sign on the other, and a couple of books with ideas. All this came from 2 kits I bought.

I started at 9 months. It was difficult at first for one reason, I had to learn the signs as well. I would constantly forget to do the sign. However, children are like sponges and she picked up on them. The first sign she did was one morning a month after we began I asked her if she would like to take a bath. She did the sign for bath to let me know that her answer was yes. I was overwhelmed with emotion I almost cried. I have never felt so proud of anything. It was amazing. My desire to teach her was ignited. At 15 months she knows around 25 signs and produces on her own around 20. She would know more but like I said I had to learn them to teach her and the birth of her brother and other unrelated set backs have interfered with our progress. I have noticed that the older she is the quicker she picks up and uses new signs.

Let me just say this, Baby Sign Language is a lifesaver. I don't know what we would have done without it. Her being able to communicate her needs and wants has saved us from unpleasant tantrums and frustration. I don't know why it is not more widely used and known about. If you are able to get some program and teach your baby. When she is wants something and doesn't have the ability to say it she can sign it. Which is far better than pointing and you guessing.

Plus the look on her face when she signs something to me is priceless. She is so happy and proud of herself for being able to communicate with me. This is especially true when she is tired or not feeling well. A crying toddler can be frustrating because as a parent you want to make your child happy and take away all their pain. A sign for milk when she's hungry, but tired and screaming lets you know just what she needs. The laugh that then comes out mixed in with what was a cry just melts your heart.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

My daughter won't sleep in her own bed.

I love my daughter more than anything in the world except my son of coarse. But that being said, I think I have created a monster and I don't know what to do about it. Its been said if momma ain't happy no one is, well in our house if Evie ain't happy no one is!

They say to put your baby down to sleep when she is drowsy not asleep so they learn to comfort themselves. They say not to jump every time they cry, but give them a minute or two and see if they can fix the problem on their own. By "They" I mean just about every child expert on the planet. Unfortunately I did not listen. As a new parent at first I followed all the rules, but it didn't work. First you have to understand that I didn't think I would ever have kids. My husband and I had been trying for 9 years with no success. So when I was pregnant I was SUPER paranoid something would go wrong. I just would not be able to handle that. Then when my princess was born it got worse. I would watch her sleep in the bassinet all night long. Suddenly it would be 3 or 4 in the morning and I'd had no sleep. Then I would put my hand on her chest or back every few minutes to make sure she was breathing. I desperately feared finding a cold blue baby next to me. So after about 3 weeks of this she was moved from the bassinet into my arms. I know I know this is a Big NO, NO. But I had to sleep. Plus, I am such a light sleeper the little sound of her Binky popping out of her mouth would wake me up. So there we were snug as bugs in a rug. Then I found out I was pregnant and decided that before the new baby was here Evie would be sleeping in her crib. Right!

Every women who has been pregnant knows how tired it can make you. Add taking care of an infant on top of that. I was exhausted. I couldn't get out of bed at times to go get her when she cried. I even had to stop breastfeeding because I was so wore out. A decision I regretted later. We'll talk about that later. So what I ended up doing was having everything I would or could need siting on a table next to the bed. Bottles were ready with a pre-measured dispenser for the formula all I had to do was pour and shake. Some days we didn't get out of bed.
Needless to say time went on and on. Then my son was born. Now I had no excuse. I tried to put her in her bed, but she cried and screamed and I cried. So that didn't last long. I couldn't just let her scream no matter what all the experts said. It was pure torture to me and sounded like it was to her to. The screaming was in part just a show to get what she wanted. I know that and I knew that then. But not entirely so. Part of it is due to a toddlers inability to control and understand their emotions. She knows I'll come back but she's afraid to be alone and doesn't know when I'll be back. Think of that from her perspective its really scary. Plus, she knows I could come and get her but I'm not. Why not?

Remember I said I always slept with her in my arms. Well at 15 months she doesn't sit still for anything. So now she wants to sleep in my arms. She is tired, but doesn't want to sit still. You can see the problem. So at first we started turning on the TV until she fell asleep. OK. But who has time to lay around watching TV waiting for the baby to fall asleep. The house needs cleaned, the baby needs taken care of, I need a shower. You get the picture.
Then the newborn needs attention and everything starts all over. Evie either watches her movie or becomes jealous either way now both are awake crabby and mad they need mommy and can't sleep because their brother or sister is crying to loud. I tell Evie mommy loves you wait a minute let me take care of brother. He's the easier one you just feed him and change his diaper 9 out of 10 times that's the end of his fussing and hes back to bed. In his own bed. Which is the bassinet next to the bed.

Lately the movie doesn't work. She's tired but will not lay still even in my arms. I end up strapping her down in her stroller reclining it all the way back and walking around until she falls asleep. Granted this is excellent exercise, but not at 10 in the evening. Oh, and I start our bed time routine around 7, but it usually takes me until 10 or 11 to get her to fall asleep. I know this is my fault she has never learned to console herself. She can't just lay there and fall asleep and I can't let her just cry for hours and hours. I know I'll probably have to because something has to be done.

We have recently decided that this has to end. When Christopher gets old enough to see he's missing out we are going to be in a world of trouble. The bed is only so big. Dad would be moved to the couch, and I already don't see much of him as it is. Not that he doesn't help, he does ALOT. But I can't remember the last time we got to cuddle for more than a few seconds. Well talk about this later to.

Our pediatrician said to start small and slow. Put her in her crib once she starts crying set a timer for 5 minutes then if she's still crying go get her. Do this for the first week then move up 10 minutes and so on. It will be a few weeks before I let you know if it works or not. I haven't started yet. I'm really afraid to.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

About the author

Hello. My name is Felicia. I am a stay at home mom raising my Irish Twins. I just turned 30 this year, and remember thinking my parents were old when they turned 30. Ouch! My husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary as well this year. However, all that we have been through prior to having children seems like cake compared to life with kids. But that's another story for another day. We were married for 9 years before our daughter was born. I thought we couldn't have kids. So she was our miracle baby. I quit my job to take care of her and finish school .
We honestly thought she was going to be an only child. We were wrong about 4 months later we discovered I was pregnant again and about 10 weeks along. Boy were we surprised to hear that news. I had just graduated from Purdue with my Bachelor's and was thinking about pursuing my Masters and attending Law School at Valpo University. 10 1/2 months later my son was born.
I still want to go to school but my priorities have definitely changed as well as my carer goals. I think being a teacher would be better suited to being a full time parent. If I choose to follow this path I will finish school by the time the kids are ready for school. So I can work while they are in school. Thus remaining a full time mom. Because honestly all I want to do is be a mom. What job could be better than that. I just wish it paid better. Just kidding!

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