Out of the darkness!

I know after Topher was born I was seriously depressed.  Who wouldn't be? He was two months old and almost died twice!  Spent half a month in the hospital most of it in pediatric intensive care.  He had two emergency transports by ambulance from one hospital to another.  So many IVs they had trouble getting them in.  One IV infiltrated and his arm swelled up so bad that his poor little fingers looked like sausages that were gonna explode. 

I felt horrible.  I know it wasn't my fault.  However, I'm his mother.  I take care of him.  I am responsible for him. I carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him.  If not my fault whose.  I was more than ready to take all the blame for it.  Making matter worse were that I kept listening to others over the phone and questioning my own gut.  I knew he was doing bad, but I talked my self out of taking him to the hospital.  When I finally took him to see the pediatrician he was direct admitted to the hospital.  I was told to go straight to the hospital and not even go home.  

Making matters worse were the fact that when he didn't get better they discovered he was born with a condition called Laryngomalacia.  I was horror stricken.  If he was born with the problem then it was definitely all my fault!  He was growing in my belly and I was supposed to do everything right. I must have done something wrong!  I have migraines which were amplified by my pregnancies.  I occasionally had to take a low dose muscle relaxer.  I was sure this was all my fault.

My depression took a toll on all my relationships even my marriage. I couldn't talk to anyone because no one understood. I felt like a failure and all alone.  Everyone I tried to talk to told me the truth it wasn't my fault, and at times I was told don't be silly or ridiculous.  That just made everything worse.  I stopped talking to people, and became very distant from the ones I loved the most.  It took a long time but I learned to talk to my husband even if I have unpleasant things to say.  I learned they were right and I was wrong.  (Don't tell them I said that..I'm just kidding)

However, at that point in my life I didn't need to hear the way I felt was wrong.  Those were the true deep and dark feelings in my heart.  I knew that rationally they were irrational thoughts.  It didn't matter.  I couldn't just flip a switch and turn them off.  Nothing I did could change those feelings.  I needed someone to listen to me and validate my feelings as being ok, but not reality. 

I tried to be the best mother and I know I am a good mother.  Unfortunately, at the time I knew it but didn't feel it.  If that makes any sense.  There is a difference between what you know in your head and what you feel in your heart.  I think it was until both my heart and head were on the same page that things finally got better.

I think at some point I almost lost the only man I've ever loved.  Then I realized somethings gotta change.  How did we get here?  We did some counseling, and spoke with the pastor.  I did a little counseling.  It didn't really help and honestly just cost money!  In the end it was us.  Me wanting to change, and the love and devotion of my husband. I'm not perfect yet!!!  But I am happy, and enjoying my life. I am so blessed to have my husband and three amazing kids! I thank God for them everyday.

I have found it very helpful to keep a gratitude journal. Every night I write 5 things I am thankful for. Some are big like I'm grateful for my kids. Some silly I'm grateful for a nice sunny day, or I'm grateful Topher didn't have any tantrums today (yep it happened once)! It changes your outlook from the negative to the positive. I find myself looking for things during the day to put in my journal!!! I'm seeking out and cherishing the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives.

I just really wanted to share this in case anyone out there is feeling really down.  Everyone has black days, weeks, months, and years.  Please, seek help if you ever feel like hurting yourself or your child.  Life is a special wonderful gift, and you can't take things like that back you can only spend the rest of your life regretting them! 

The search for a prince!

This is a conversation I overheard in the toy room....

   Topher is playing with superheros, and Evie is playing with princesses.

Evie has Cinderella walking around the room, and says "Who's gonna be my man?"  She puts her doll in front of Topher's toy (wolverine on a motorcycle) blocking him from moving foreward.

Topher says, "GET OUTTA MY WAY! I am not gonna be your prince!"

Evie sadly says, "But who is gonna be my prince!"  Cinderella walks around.

Topher says (in a very gruff masculine voice) "I'll be your man!" 

Evie replies, "NO, I don't want you to be my prince!"

         I just had to peaked in to see what was what.... It was the HULK!  I almost died laughing...

Needless to say Cinderella walked into the sunset holding spiderman's hand, while the Hulk and Wolverine were left with nothing!  The search for a prince is over! 

Kids are so funny!

Broken Hearts!

It was 7pm and I was putting Ally to bed (my 13 month old).  Evie and Topher were playing good downstairs, but decided to come upstairs.  They know they are not supposed to do this when I am putting Ally in bed!  So I was frustrated.  I told them go downstairs. 

Instead they ran and hid behind a large chair in Ally's room, just as I was laying Ally in her crib.  They were laughing and screaming hysterically.  I know they thought they were being funny, but they know that is against the rules plus I had just told them to go!  I was furious.  Ally jumped up and started screaming! Why, not she didn't want to miss out on the fun.

I yelled "get out!"  They ran downstairs.  I followed them and made them stop playing and sit on the couch.  I reminded them of the rules and told them to listen!  The sound was Ally crying.  I told them she was crying because they didn't listen and she wanted to play to.  Then I told them that because they didn't listen they were going to bed to, and not swimming.

Its hot and I was going to let them stay up and swim with me when Ally went to bed.  Now that wasn't going to happen because Ally wasn't going to bed, and I wasn't going to let them stay up all night!  They cried and cried....

Topher said, "Mama, you broke my heart....give me a hug!"  That just broke my heart!  I held him so tight.  Then pulled Evie into the hug to. We sat there for a while in a big hug.  Then I said "if your good we will get up in the morning eat breakfast and go swimming!"  They were fine with that and we began the bed time routine.

As we walked into the bathroom Evie cried a little and said "Mom, It was all my fault!"  I didn't understand and didn't say anything.  She said again "It was all my fault we were naughty, it was my idea!"  I felt so bad for her.  I told her "That's ok everyone has a bad idea sometime, but your being good now and tomorrow is a new day! We will start all over." 

Silly girl

Evie was supposed to be in bed.  She came downstairs because her brother was asleep and she wanted to watch a movie.  Fine, but to stay up longer she kept talking and talking to me.  She'd hold up both her hands and wiggle her fingers with her tongue sticking out saying "ullla lllaaallaaaa"! I think that's how you'd spell it!  It was hilarious.  So I asked her "Can you get any more silly?" 

She very seriously replied, "I can be as silly as you want me to be!"

Trash monster!

Ally has been busted! She is the trash monster.  At first we'd catch her taking things out of the trash!  Anything and everything she could reach, and some of it was nasty!  Now she has been busted throwing things away.

 She was by the trash can this morning and I heard a thud!  I looked and (thankfully) I saw it! The direct tv remote!  How we would function without it is beyond me!  Now the only question is "What else has she thrown away?" 

I am missing the dust pan!  It vanished without a trace last night!  I am sure its in the trash, but the trash has gone out, and I don't dare try to look for it.  Lucky, for me it's an inexpensive item or I'd be garbage surfing right now!

4th of July Parade

Took the kids to the parade!  It was so much fun (not the parade but rather watching the kids enjoy the parade)! Priceless! 

At the beginning of the parade the police on their motorcycles drove by a few times with the sirens on.  Then a couple times they drove by slowly doing circles and figure eights.  For some reason Ally thought this was laugh out loud funny! She clapped and waved to them. She clapped and waved to A lot of the floats and danced to some of their music. 

Evie was happy to see a marching band.  She said the night before "I never got to see a marching band!" So she got to see tons of them!  Both Evie and Topher watched the parade so intensely it was funny! Burger King gave out free mini sample cones with vanilla ice cream. I got the kids each one, but Topher didn't want his.  He was so upset it was melting all over him!

some random pics!

 Topher ended up getting to hot and he was done.  So we had to leave early.  Daddy was happy about that he was miserable too.  My eyes hurt afterwards, felt like I had sat in a smoky room for days!  Ally was asleep before we pulled out of the parking lot!

online time!

I haven't posted much lately.  I have been spending my time online researching coupons!  I am fascinated with that coupon show and want to know if that is really possible.  You see these women spending very little money on hundreds of dollars worth of stuff, and its name brand stuff.  So when I have time to get online I spend it searching through websites that say you can print coupons.  Soon I will let you know what I have come up with. 

I am also looking seriously for a job from home, but not a home business.  I don't want to shell out hundreds of dollars to start my own business and sell people something.  I tried avon, tupperware, and marykay!  That's just not me.  I want to apply for a job and actually get hired and work from home.  I have found a couple sites I'm seriously looking into, and will let you know if it works out.  That means when I actually get a pay check!  Well see, but I won't be holding my breath.  There are so many scams out there it isn't even funny! People are really nasty to each other it is so sad!