It's almost a perfect night. Both kids are asleep. Christopher fell asleep around 8 and Evie around 10. Now I can't sleep. I don't know why. Earlier I couldn't stay awake, but now I can't shut my eyes. I can't stop thinking about stupid stuff.
I said something really bad about someone today and I shouldn't have said it. I think that is what is bothering me. I know what I said will get back around to me. I was just mad at the time. The person I said it about has used me and taken advantage of me in the past. Not to mention she has also stolen from me. That doesn't give me a right to say anything about her. What I said was in my opinion true, but very harsh. I may have slightly over exaggerated it. The worst part is that I honestly have no right to judge her. The comment was about her parenting skills. Every one and every child is different. We all make mistakes!
That's not all that is on my mind. I feel bad because I don't work. I want things that we don't really have the money to buy. I feel like I shouldn't want them since I don't work, for money! I want to work, but I want to be here for my children! I know many women work and still have great relationships with their children. However, I remember my mom working when I was little we never saw her, and when we did she was so tired. There were fun times, but not many. I remember feeling that it was my fault she had it so rough. She was 17 when she got pregnant with me. So in my mind that was my fault. If only I hadn't come along. (Keep in mind this was the thinking of a child.) I don't want my kids to feel that way ever. Everything I do I do for them because I want to. They complete me. I couldn't function without them.