It's almost a perfect night. Both kids are asleep. Christopher fell asleep around 8 and Evie around 10. Now I can't sleep. I don't know why. Earlier I couldn't stay awake, but now I can't shut my eyes. I can't stop thinking about stupid stuff.
I said something really bad about someone today and I shouldn't have said it. I think that is what is bothering me. I know what I said will get back around to me. I was just mad at the time. The person I said it about has used me and taken advantage of me in the past. Not to mention she has also stolen from me. That doesn't give me a right to say anything about her. What I said was in my opinion true, but very harsh. I may have slightly over exaggerated it. The worst part is that I honestly have no right to judge her. The comment was about her parenting skills. Every one and every child is different. We all make mistakes!
That's not all that is on my mind. I feel bad because I don't work. I want things that we don't really have the money to buy. I feel like I shouldn't want them since I don't work, for money! I want to work, but I want to be here for my children! I know many women work and still have great relationships with their children. However, I remember my mom working when I was little we never saw her, and when we did she was so tired. There were fun times, but not many. I remember feeling that it was my fault she had it so rough. She was 17 when she got pregnant with me. So in my mind that was my fault. If only I hadn't come along. (Keep in mind this was the thinking of a child.) I don't want my kids to feel that way ever. Everything I do I do for them because I want to. They complete me. I couldn't function without them.
My angels!
Showing posts with label mommy guilt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mommy guilt. Show all posts
Monday, January 5, 2009
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
French Fries Please MA MA!
Christmas Eve we drove past McDonald's, which we always do when we head out to my mom's house. Today though my daughter shouted, "French Fries Please, Ma Ma!" I told her no we were going to eat at grandma's house. Then I thought, "how cute she knows that McDonald's has French Fries." Then I thought "Oh, crap she knows McDonald's has French Fries!"
What a horrible mother I am raising kids on junk food. No offense to McDonald's you have greatly improved the healthiness of your food, but it still is not the high quality food I want my kids eating. However, I still feed it to them and probably will continue to do so. It's just so easy.
I have so much trouble most days just getting my daughter to eat, let alone eat healthy. I know it's my fault if she doesn't eat good. In a perfect world I'd make 3 healthy meals a day and we would all sit down together and eat. Then I'd vacuum wearing pearls and high heals, LOL! For now just do the best I can. Obviously, I should cut back on the McDonald's, but we don't have to get rid of it all together.
What a horrible mother I am raising kids on junk food. No offense to McDonald's you have greatly improved the healthiness of your food, but it still is not the high quality food I want my kids eating. However, I still feed it to them and probably will continue to do so. It's just so easy.
I have so much trouble most days just getting my daughter to eat, let alone eat healthy. I know it's my fault if she doesn't eat good. In a perfect world I'd make 3 healthy meals a day and we would all sit down together and eat. Then I'd vacuum wearing pearls and high heals, LOL! For now just do the best I can. Obviously, I should cut back on the McDonald's, but we don't have to get rid of it all together.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
No longer beautiful! Who has time?
Every where I go I see at least one mom who looks like she just stepped out of a salon. Maybe she did. I really don't know. What I want to know is where did she find the time? She will have perfect hair, makeup, and clothes, and I just want to smack her! Not really but I desperately want to ask how she does it.
First off all my oldest child is 16 months, and over the last 2 years I can only name 2 times I have put on makeup. My brother in laws wedding and my son's baptism. I think there was a third time, but I am not sure. It would have been my daughter's baptism, and because that was a very important day I'm sure I probably put makeup on.
Secondly how do they even have time for a shower let alone do their hair. My shower (if I get one) follows one of two possible scenarios. One I am alone in the bathroom. My husband who works nights is awake and watching the kids. However, my daughter who is mama's girl has slipped away from him (which is not hard to do remember she's only 16 months) and discovered me in the bathroom with the door shut. So she begins to pound on the door while she cries and screams "mooooom, mama, mamamama, maaaamaaa!" Until I either break down and open the door, which I frequently do, or I hurry as fast as I can to finish and let her in. Let me tell ya there is nothing worse than hurrying to finish your shower only to be getting dressed and realize you forgot to rinse out the shampoo or use soap at all! In this case I am usually slowly getting madder and madder at my husband after all does anyone bang on the door when he's in the shower???? "NO"
The second scenario is I am in the shower and my son is sitting in his bouncy chair right next to the tub. This way I can easily pop in his binky if he needs it. My daughter is either in the shower to, (I learned the hard way we needed a no slip mat on the floor, Ouch!), or she is playing around in the bathroom. Which means she is opening and shutting the shower curtain every 5 seconds soaking herself, her brother, and the floor. Hey three showers for the price of one! Maybe not.
If I don't want to endure any of this torture I simply skip the shower. Don't worry you can stand by me I won't go more than 2 days like that. Ok, 3 at the most!
Now the hair. Who has time to do their hair? I brush mine after I shower. That's the end. I need a really beautiful mom cut that doesn't say, "Hey I'm a lazy mom! But rather, "I'm a sexy mom who does her hair!" when I really don't. Got any tips!!!! Remember I brush my hair and that's it!! By that time one child or the other is screaming for something.
I can't tell you how many times I left the house to realize I forgot to brush my teeth!!! But I didn't forget my daughter's blankie we call it softy.
Oh, and beauty products! My product of choice is baby magic! Yes, I am a mom, but I smell like a baby!
At least the only man who matters (my husband) still thinks I am sexy. I think he just says so to make me feel better. It doesn't really work I know better! But I love him anyway!
First off all my oldest child is 16 months, and over the last 2 years I can only name 2 times I have put on makeup. My brother in laws wedding and my son's baptism. I think there was a third time, but I am not sure. It would have been my daughter's baptism, and because that was a very important day I'm sure I probably put makeup on.
Secondly how do they even have time for a shower let alone do their hair. My shower (if I get one) follows one of two possible scenarios. One I am alone in the bathroom. My husband who works nights is awake and watching the kids. However, my daughter who is mama's girl has slipped away from him (which is not hard to do remember she's only 16 months) and discovered me in the bathroom with the door shut. So she begins to pound on the door while she cries and screams "mooooom, mama, mamamama, maaaamaaa!" Until I either break down and open the door, which I frequently do, or I hurry as fast as I can to finish and let her in. Let me tell ya there is nothing worse than hurrying to finish your shower only to be getting dressed and realize you forgot to rinse out the shampoo or use soap at all! In this case I am usually slowly getting madder and madder at my husband after all does anyone bang on the door when he's in the shower???? "NO"
The second scenario is I am in the shower and my son is sitting in his bouncy chair right next to the tub. This way I can easily pop in his binky if he needs it. My daughter is either in the shower to, (I learned the hard way we needed a no slip mat on the floor, Ouch!), or she is playing around in the bathroom. Which means she is opening and shutting the shower curtain every 5 seconds soaking herself, her brother, and the floor. Hey three showers for the price of one! Maybe not.
If I don't want to endure any of this torture I simply skip the shower. Don't worry you can stand by me I won't go more than 2 days like that. Ok, 3 at the most!
Now the hair. Who has time to do their hair? I brush mine after I shower. That's the end. I need a really beautiful mom cut that doesn't say, "Hey I'm a lazy mom! But rather, "I'm a sexy mom who does her hair!" when I really don't. Got any tips!!!! Remember I brush my hair and that's it!! By that time one child or the other is screaming for something.
I can't tell you how many times I left the house to realize I forgot to brush my teeth!!! But I didn't forget my daughter's blankie we call it softy.
Oh, and beauty products! My product of choice is baby magic! Yes, I am a mom, but I smell like a baby!
At least the only man who matters (my husband) still thinks I am sexy. I think he just says so to make me feel better. It doesn't really work I know better! But I love him anyway!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Irish Twins: Cheating One?
I love my children very much. With that being said, Having the two so close together is very difficult. I often wonder if I am missing out on things with one or the other. Or worse if I am causing them to miss out on something or really cheating them out of some part of their childhood.
Because they are both so young they are each changing so fast it is hard to keep up. I feel that because each day moves so fast we are already missing out. It is hard enough to just get through the day with my sanity let alone stop and smell the roses. I feel so frantic at times, especially when they both are crying. The little things get missed and rushed instead of held onto and cherished. Whether its rocking the baby or cuddling with my daughter to help her fall asleep (it's the only way to get her to fall asleep) I have to force myself to take a deep breath, relax, and forget the world to so I can be completely in that moment. However, with thoughts of laundry, dishes, a neglected husband, a badly needed shower, and lots more cleaning circling round in my head relaxation even for a moment is next to impossible. Ironically, these time consuming moments are going to be the ones that are missed the most later, and I'll never be able to get them back.
I want to remember every minute of each of my kids lives. I want to be able to look back and tell them all about themselves as babies when they're adults. I want to remember the way they looked, acted, and smelled (at least after a bath I can do without remembering the dirty diaper smell). I also want them to remember their childhoods as happy fun times. I fear that with them being so close this may not be possible. Already so much has been over looked and forgotten during our frantic daily adventures. Most days I can't remember if I had a shower or not let alone what the kids did that day. Last week is a blur lost amidst dirty diapers, bottles, sippy cups, and bubble baths.
I also want to be the best mother that is humanly possible. Better than all the mother's before me. Unfortunately, it is difficult to give either one of them my full attention during most of the day. I try my best to allow one on one time throughout the day for each child. Ideally this is a great practice, but it is easier said than done. If one or the other needs something they are both at the age where they let you know that loud and clear, and neither has the ability to wait for long. I usually make my youngest wait if he can so his sister doesn't think he is causing her discomfort. Then I feel guilty like I should have known what was going to happen and planned ahead accordingly after all I am super mom right?
I think a large part of the problem is that so much is expected of mothers. We are supposed to be June Cleaver and have a clean home, happy children, dinner on the table, and all done in high heals with our pearls on. The reality isn't that pretty. Some days dishes are piled high others its laundry and even look at the carpet! My toddler likes to eat on the go! As a stay at home mom I feel like I should have everything done for the house, the kids, and my husband. I mean that is my job. I know it sounds like I am complaining, but I am not I wouldn't trade my job for anything in the world. It is the best and hardest job on the planet.
It just feels at times like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I have the fate of two human beings to think about with every decision I make. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason so to answer my question, "No I don't think it's cheating to have my kids so close in age. I think they are just the way God intended them to be, and I love them for who they are and who they will become. I just pray that I can be the mother they need to get them there, where ever that may be."
Because they are both so young they are each changing so fast it is hard to keep up. I feel that because each day moves so fast we are already missing out. It is hard enough to just get through the day with my sanity let alone stop and smell the roses. I feel so frantic at times, especially when they both are crying. The little things get missed and rushed instead of held onto and cherished. Whether its rocking the baby or cuddling with my daughter to help her fall asleep (it's the only way to get her to fall asleep) I have to force myself to take a deep breath, relax, and forget the world to so I can be completely in that moment. However, with thoughts of laundry, dishes, a neglected husband, a badly needed shower, and lots more cleaning circling round in my head relaxation even for a moment is next to impossible. Ironically, these time consuming moments are going to be the ones that are missed the most later, and I'll never be able to get them back.
I want to remember every minute of each of my kids lives. I want to be able to look back and tell them all about themselves as babies when they're adults. I want to remember the way they looked, acted, and smelled (at least after a bath I can do without remembering the dirty diaper smell). I also want them to remember their childhoods as happy fun times. I fear that with them being so close this may not be possible. Already so much has been over looked and forgotten during our frantic daily adventures. Most days I can't remember if I had a shower or not let alone what the kids did that day. Last week is a blur lost amidst dirty diapers, bottles, sippy cups, and bubble baths.
I also want to be the best mother that is humanly possible. Better than all the mother's before me. Unfortunately, it is difficult to give either one of them my full attention during most of the day. I try my best to allow one on one time throughout the day for each child. Ideally this is a great practice, but it is easier said than done. If one or the other needs something they are both at the age where they let you know that loud and clear, and neither has the ability to wait for long. I usually make my youngest wait if he can so his sister doesn't think he is causing her discomfort. Then I feel guilty like I should have known what was going to happen and planned ahead accordingly after all I am super mom right?
I think a large part of the problem is that so much is expected of mothers. We are supposed to be June Cleaver and have a clean home, happy children, dinner on the table, and all done in high heals with our pearls on. The reality isn't that pretty. Some days dishes are piled high others its laundry and even look at the carpet! My toddler likes to eat on the go! As a stay at home mom I feel like I should have everything done for the house, the kids, and my husband. I mean that is my job. I know it sounds like I am complaining, but I am not I wouldn't trade my job for anything in the world. It is the best and hardest job on the planet.
It just feels at times like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I have the fate of two human beings to think about with every decision I make. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason so to answer my question, "No I don't think it's cheating to have my kids so close in age. I think they are just the way God intended them to be, and I love them for who they are and who they will become. I just pray that I can be the mother they need to get them there, where ever that may be."
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