My angels!

My angels!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

starting up again

This post went to such a dark place I wanted to come back and start with a positive note!  My kids are doing great.  Growing fast and keeping me busy.  Pushing my buttons and testing my patience!  And yes most days with the hubby things are amazing. As long as I don't have a blue (depressed possible delusional) day!

Oh, where to begin?  I haven't posted in so long.  I've wanted to, but there is never enough time in the day.  I've realized i need to start making time for things I want to do, cause I'm slowly going insane. Don't tell my husband I'll deny it! Just kidding.  Ive had some rough patches lately, and been really down on myself.  I think the biggest issue is that being a stay at home mom my entire life is the kids, house, and hubby but no me!  I've been to hard on myself but its hard not to when I feel like this is my job and I have to do my part because hubby works hard at his part!  But I am seriously slowly driving myself insane. 

I've pushed my husband away (he sought out the comfort from a stranger on facebook).  That's over and were working our issues, but the damages been done.  No physical contact was made but i told him the emotional connection is just as bad! I blame him and don't blame him.  I didn't or wouldn't talk to him cause i didn't want to bother him.  He has no idea how much I appreciate that he goes to work no matter what so I can stay at home with our children. The big problem is trust I am constantly wondering who hes talking to txting, email, facebook, and whatever else.  Maybe I am a bit paranoid.  I don't know.  It comes and goes and I drive myself so nuts I get chest pain!

Plus I am just not happy with myself physically and mentally.  I have very few friends.  You could count them on one hand and have fingers left over. Some of them are relatives too!  Doesn't help that I'm not getting younger, and my body has had 3 C-sections in the past 3 1/2 years!  It might be a lil postpartum, I am not sure. 

I have trouble remembering things.  Even moments after they have happened.  I feel like I'm here at times but not here!  I don't know how to just be in this moment!  I want to so bad.  I want to enjoy this time with my kids and be able to remember it.  I think it might be because so many things are always going on and or need to be done.  I'm always thinking about something or lots of somethings! 

FYI I feel a lot better after posting this!  Thanks for listening! 
Oh and blogger needs an auto correct for spelling took me forever to correct my spelling errors!

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