I have to say that I am just I don't even know how to describe it. I am beside myself. Today was Christopher's first steps Evaluation. They are an early intervention program by the state to help developmental issues. I insisted the doctor set this up because I was concerned with his speech issues. He can say a word one minute then not the next. I actually thought they would come and say he is normal, and I am just neurotic. However, that was not the case.
Don't take this the wrong way. I love my son with all my heart. He is just difficult. He is extremely impatient, demanding, high strung, and difficult to communicate with (he's hard to understand). He has a lot of behavior issues. He hits, bites, kicks, and all kinds of things. He is wild, as if he has no fear, and experiences little pain. I had no idea the extent of his issues. I thought he was just a wild boy. I figured that maybe we played to rough with him. I thought that some how we had to of encouraged this type of behavior. I never imagined that he just couldn't control himself.
He is deficient by at least 25% in 3 areas. I believe it was gross and fine motor skills as well as social skills. His cognitive skills are normal. They said that he has sensory integration disorder, and until the sensory issues are solved the other issues won't really progress. He isn't mean, not that I thought he was! I knew he was a kind loving boy, but couldn't figure out why he behaved the way he does.
I always felt like a bad mother with Christopher. He has always seemed so distant and foreign to me. I just don't get him, and that breaks my heart. It is very hard to admit, and tell people that your son seems like a stranger to you. I've thought many times if I could go back to when he was a baby, and do things over again I would do a better job. Despite the fact that I have no idea what I did wrong. I've asked my husband one many occasions how did I raise one kid good, Evie, and Christopher all wrong. (Evie isn't perfect she's just not as difficult as Christopher). I kind of felt that I did him a disservice by having him so close to his sister. I thought maybe I wasn't able to give him enough attention.
I just blamed myself, and tried all the discipline things I could think of, time outs and tons of positive praise. I am so relieved to know that I did nothing wrong. I am so glad that I followed my instincts and insisted he be evaluated. Despite the doctor's thinking that all was fine. Now I can focus on helping him, and learning about what is going on so I can understand him better. I am so excited to really get to know my son finally and have the relationship with him that we've missed out on.
Once I get past all the shock of this new information I will begin researching sensory integration disorder, and get Christopher started in theray. I am completely overwhelmed right now, and almost in tears. This has made me realize some issues that I didn't see before. I've had to face some tough truths over the last hour.
1 comment:
Wow, what a day for you! Clearly this is something that has concerned you for long enough to have it evaluated, so you had that intuition that something wasn't quite right, but having a specialist confirm it is tough.
This is a bit of a different category, but it was such a relief when my baby's doctor told me she did, in fact, have the classic signs of colic. It's similar to you, however, in that I have had a harder time bonding with her because of her colic.
The screaming and whatnot is hard for me to take. It really does make us question ourselves a bit as to whether we could have avoided this, but in our hearts we know that there is no way we could have.
I am glad that finally having a confirmation and a "name to the face" will help you move forward from here. Hang in there, hon. As you know, our children have been sent here to us as gifts - each packaged just a bit differently for our "enjoyment" and growth.
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