Since the birth of my son I have been worried about my emotional state. I have been concerned about my depression. I think I have post partum depression. I do not and will not take drugs for it unless the safety of my children is in question. A lot of my problem could be due to a lack of sleep.
I have been doing some reading, attempting to find a way to get my kids to sleep better. The results have made me aware of how sleep deprived I am, and the side effects of such deprivation. Many of the side effects are similar to the symptoms of depression. So I wonder what is the case for me. Is the solution just as simple as more sleep or is the problem bigger than I am willing to admit.
You might find that we have many of these problems in common. Or you may be wondering what is the big deal, because some of these things bother everyone everyday. The problem is that all of these things are bothering me daily, and they are just getting worse. Really bad lately since my kids won't sleep and are really cranky all day long.
The worst part is when I lose my cool and feel like a horrible mommy, making everything much worse! I have yelled at my kids! Not a lot, but more than a 1 or 2 year old deserve. Some times I find myself telling them "Just stop crying." I haven't and would not hit them. However, still "My patience is gone!"
The best thing is that they don't hold a grudge usually within minutes of yelling I tell them, "Sorry mommy got so mad at you for...." Then I kiss and hug them. If I cry my oldest says, "Don't cry mommy!" They both usually give me kisses at this point. The greatest thing about kids is they can always make you smile and bring the sun out from behind the clouds!
One thing is that I wake up at the slightest sound. My daughter was laughing in her sleep, I rolled over and had to check on her. Another thing is that my imagination runs havic so I have to check my kids many times. Not every night but A LOT of nights! Most days I feel foggy and sluggish. I constantly misplace things and forget what I am doing or why I am in a room!
I feel like such a failure as a mother. Especially since my kids are getting older and still facing baby problems. Such as not sleeping, taking bottles, and binkies. I have decided the binkies will wait for bigger problems to be solved. I have also decided that bottles will wait until sleep issues are solved. I believe my kids will be more susceptible to the idea of getting off the bottle when they have had adequate sleep! Now how to do that I don't know since I can't even get enough sleep myself.