Great Birthday!

Today was a great birthday!  Even thou my hubby had to work.  My mom sent me a txt this am telling me happy birthday.  Which is amazing she remembered she's just like that!  Both my dads called me.  Meaning my biological and step father.  Which really made my day.  Tons of friends on facebook told me happy birthday!  Which rocked cause I been feeling like I had no friends.  I been blue for a while.  I woke up day over 30 and realized I'd never be president.  Now I realize who the heck wants to be president. I may not be put in history books but I am super important to 3 lil people and that's all that matters.

The kids all told me happy birthday.  Yes, I swear my almost 11 month old actually said "Happy Birthday Mommy!"  My In laws watched the kids and my sister took me to Applebees for dinner. Where yep 2.99 margaritas woo hoo!  While we were out the kids with their nana made me birthday cupcakes.  With pink frosting my favorite!  The kids hid when I walked in and jumped out singing happy birthday, with help from their uncle Ike he's 9!

All in all a great day!  I even got to play at the park a bit with the kids to!  Only thing that would have made this day better was spending more of it with the love of my life!  But somebody has to pay the bills!  He works hard for us and for that I am truly thankful!

QUP6KWMMDWS3

Life changing day!

I got a new mattress from my moms today. It isn't new but ours is horrible so were gonna try and see if it works for a while.  We'd buy a new one, but we just got a new car, and when we get a new mattress I want to go all out! I want the best mattress money can buy even if it takes me 4 years to pay it off.  My hubby has serious back problems.

Anyways this is way off the topic. Evie went upstairs because she wanted to put the pillows back on my bed.  Topher went upstairs because Evie went upstairs.  I have no idea what exactly transpired.  I was still downstairs.  I didn't think anything of them being up there alone.  It wasn't for long, and I was coming up soon. 

I heard screams and crying from both kids.  So I ran up.  Evie was on the floor with one pillow under her and one above her head holding her hair down.  She was hysterical, and stained with tears.  Topher was behind the pillow that was over her hair.  It was slightly on his lap.  He was crying to.  I immediately asked what was going on.

It was difficult between all the hysterics to understand, but after a few moments I got the idea. Topher had apparently held the pillow over Evie's face!  She said she couldn't breath and was scared.  I asked Topher, why he was crying.  He said he was crying for his binkie. 

Apparently she was trying to put the pillows on my bed and he was trying to take them downstairs.  So they fought.  My son is only 3, but I have had difficulty holding him back when he is after something. The boy is a tank.  So she didn't stand a chance. 

This was very traumatic for Evie because about a half hour later she just started crying.  I asked her why she was crying.  She said when you love someone sometimes you cry.  She is 4!  Where is this coming from I thought?  I just held her and told her I loved her.  She said she was crying because she loves me and her daddy.

Approximately 30 minutes later I was putting them to bed.  Evie started talking about the incident with the pillow. So I asked, "How did it make you feel?"  She said "scared" "I thought I had to go to the hospital and then the clouds and I would never see my mommy and daddy again."  She thought she was going to die.  My daughter seriously thought her brother was going to kill her this evening.

After she said this I hugged and kissed her.  My son then said, "I was killing her."  I know he has no idea what that really means, but still I was shaken to my core.  I said "No we don't kill anyone.  It is against the rules.  It is absolutely unacceptable behavior. Promise me you will never put a pillow on someones face again."  His response was "promise me you wont hit, kick, or spit."  These are all rules we have posted on the fridge.  I constantly tell him when he breaks them that you don't do these things because they are the rules and point to the fridge for a visual. I think that is why he brought them up at this point.  I said "Ok I promise now you promise me too."  He said "trust me"  at this point in the conversation I was floored!  Who am I talking to I thought?  I said "promise me you won't put pillows on peoples faces any more"  He did.  So I hugged him and said "I trust you."

Then I realized we need to make big changes here.  No longer will Topher be allowed to play any type of violent games.  I removed his army guys, toy swords (he has 2 from medieval times), toy shield, and one hand craved wooden toy gun.  We are gonna have to be careful of what he watches.  He loves transformers, but even the cartoon is really violent.  We are gonna have to watch how he plays.  He is not to be alone with either of his sisters.  I don't know what else to do.

Know don't get me wrong.  My son is very sweet.  He is rough and tough.  He has sensory processing disorder.  He doesn't realize how strong he is.  He loves deep pressure, and bumping into things.  He doesn't understand that things like that hurt others.  He also has a high pain tolerance.  Therefore doesn't understand that things hurt others because it doesn't hurt him. 

Also he does not seem to understand the emotions of others.  He is very caring and worries about others.  He just doesn't seem to get the social cues from people to get whats going on.  I don't know if that really makes sense.  I'm trying my best to explain it, but I don't understand it fully either.  I do not think he realized what was going on, and the ramifications of his actions.  He doesn't seem to understand consequences at all.  He has severe impulse control issues as well. 

He is a good boy but very challenging (aka a hand full).  He is supposed to be in occupational therapy and behavioral therapy, but we can't afford it.

Also,  A couple weeks ago he was trying to hold her head under the water in the bath to. I feel like a failed mother.  How did things get like this?  Where did I go wrong?  What do I do? How do I fix this? 

Diaper rash!

I despiratley want to tell you all about Easter, but that will have to wait.  I am so worried about my babies bum! The poor thing has had a diaper rash for what seems like an eternity!  She had antibiotics in the begining of the month for an ear infection, and then we went into my moms hot tub I think it was the 7th! 

A few days later she had a couple pink spots.  I showed my mom (shes a nurse and mother of 7), she said it was a yeast infection and to use monistat.  I had nystatin ( i think thats spelled right) from the last time.  So I started using that.  Then it exploded!  Pink everywhere! I asked my dad (who is our family dr) he said bag balm and nystatin.  OK... So I did. That but the next day!

Then the unthinkable happened.  She had 2 spots that actually started to bleed between her butt cheeks!  I Felt horrible.  I always thought moms who let their kids butts get like this were horrible and neglecting their children.  I am neither so what gives? So nystatin 3 times a day and tons of bag balm (and I mean tons).  The pink cleared up and the sores started to improve.

Then it got worse!  She got pimply spots around her vagina!  At first a couple then tons!  And large red lumps around the top of her butt crack (below the small of her back).  Yes, medical professionals for parents and I have no idea what the appropriate terminology is for any of this! 

Took her into the family doctor (my dad)! He said diaper dermatitis.  The yeast infection appears to be gone, but the steroid cream can irritate.  Use antibiotic ointment and bag balm.  He said their is such a thing as too clean. I literally change her diaper so fast the pee is still warm when I change her.  In my efforts to keep her bum clean is it in fact too clean?  I'm not sure if that applies to butts! That was yesterday! Everything was getting better!

Not tonight! She screamed when I changed her last dirty diaper.  Her bum is getting red again, and bumps have not diminished!

So the list of what I have used nystatin, bag balm, A & D ointment, Vaseline, hydrocortisone cream, antibiotic ointment, and pixie dust (just kidding on that last one).  I am at a loss and my poor baby is suffering.  I called the pediatrician (we usually see him but he is so hard to get into these days that we often see my dad instead) I made an appointment! We have to wait till Friday!  Hopefully we survive till then! 

I have stopped feeding her fruits, and am only feeding her formula and bland foods so hopefully we can make what comes out a little less irritating on the bum!  I don't know if it will work but at this point I will try anything.

sick mama

If you wondering why I haven't posted in forever it's not because I'm depressed.  Nope, I am actually feeling really good these days.  I am just sick!  I had surgery the beginning of the month which took longer to recover than expected!  The pain medicine made me so sick and floaty feeling that I was miserable.  Now I am just sick.  Saw the doctor today and I have an upper respiratory infection.  The kids all have runny noses and coughs.  I asked about them, but because they are not acting sick I didn't bring them in.  He said their symptoms sound more like allergies.  So we'll watch them for the next few days and see how it goes.  I am on antibiotics and cough medicine ( that doesn't take the cough away it just makes me feel like I need to cough but can't)! 

Easter was so fun, but for another day!  Goodnight for now!  If I can stop coughing long enough to actually sleep!

working mom?

Ive decided to get a job!  Now what lol! I haven't applied for a job in 5 years.  I only want to work part time, when my hubby is off.  That being said I know I can't be to picky, but at the same time I have a college degree!  I want to make a decent amount of money.  I'm not talking a huge salary.  I'm thinking part time I'd like to bring home 800 a month.  So the search begins!  I don't know how this will go. I might end up at McDonalds.  Not that there is anything wrong with that it just wouldn't be my first choice!  I don't really want to work with food at all actually. 

So now what? I really don't know.  I'll keep you posted!

smack me!

My daughters teacher had a baby around the same time I had Ally (a little over 10 months ago), but she is pregnant again.  There is nothing wrong with that at all.  In fact I find myself every time I see her or think of her wishing I were pregnant too!  I must be going crazy!

Maybe it is because Evie and Topher are so close and that is such a special bond that in a way I wish Ally could have that to.  I don't know.  

the boogey man!

I was all set to go to bed early tonight!  I realize me not getting enough sleep is affecting my relationship with my kids.  I am a cranky mama, but I can't sleep lately. I think it has a lot to do with the pain medications from my surgery.  So hopefully things get back to normal soon.  However, I am getting addicted to my online time (which is quiet time when the kids are asleep)! 

Anyways I was in bed, lights out, and netbook off when I heard a loud thud!  I grabbed my cell and called my hubby.  Yep, still at work.  So I kept him on the line while I searched the house.  We have A LOT of hiding spaces!  It took forever!  No one was here, but I did find the back door locked but slightly opened.  I must not have shut it all the way.  So I am and was freaked out! 

Now an hour and a half later I'm still in bed and the lights are on and the netbook is on too! So much for a good night sleep tonight!  It wouldn't be so bad, but I worry about the kids.  Which keeps me up!  I worry too much! To the point where I am worried more than relaxed these days!

UGH

I feel so overwhelmed lately.  My legs seems hot around my incision from the surgery last Friday.  I hope its not infected, but I think it must be because it still hurts bad.  I feel like I did so much today, but nothing is done.  I don't even know what I did today or where the day went! My feet even hurt!  I am cranky and just wore out!

no boys!

Evie had cheer practice tonight.  This was her second session.  Earlier in the week we talked about cheer and the kids thought it was just for girls.  I told them that there are boy cheerleaders.  The boys catch the girls when they get tossed into the air. 

So tonight at practice Topher said he wanted to cheer to. I signed him up and was about to pay when my husband, who was watching the practice, noticed something was wrong and told me to go check on him.  He was sitting near the girls, but not participating in the warm ups.  I asked him what was wrong, and if he wanted to cheer or come sit with mommy and daddy.  He said he didn't want to cheer. 

We left the gym and watched from outside, like we always do until they call parents in.   While watching the practice Topher wanted to be held up so he could see the girls.  Daddy then asked him why he changed his mind about cheering.  Topher told him the girls said he couldn't cheer he was a boy.  Daddy asked who told him that.  Topher said it was the cheerleader coaching them.

I was furious.  I calmly went up to the adults and told them what he said.  They said he could cheer (of coarse).  That wasn't my problem.  I was upset he was told he couldn't.  Especially since when daddy took him into the gym he told the cheerleader coaching it that Topher wanted to cheer.  The lady running it went in and talked to her.  She said she didn't say that so I don't know what happened.  Maybe one of the little girls said something! I am not sure.  Maybe the teenaged cheerleader did say that and when confronted lied about it!  I will never know. 

I just don't want either of my kids to think they can't do something based on their gender!

I didn't know that!

Evie of coarse got out of bed tonight her excuse was she needed to bring me some dirty dishes. OK fine it actually saved me a trip upstairs to go get them.  Then she asked me to sign her a song.  I told her I would to go to bed and wait for me.  I was going to be up in a minute because I wanted to go to bed early and was going to ask daddy to wash the bottles.  Something I do every night before going to bed!

She thought this was a joke!  "Daddy can wash the bottles?"  She said it kinda confused and laughing a little.  I said "Yes, your daddy can wash the bottles.  He knows how!"

As she walked upstairs she just said "I didn't know that!"

I almost died clearly daddy needs some more chores on his todo list! LOL

Just some random pics for fun!

Our most recent family pic!

Playing nice together!

Media taking over!

I actually couldnt find her for a minute! 

The men in my life!

media and childhood

I know my kids watch to much television.  I am actually working on reducing our TV time.  I came from a large family.  I am the oldest of 7.  I am used to noise and lots of it.  So I usually just leave the TV on.  If the kids watch whats on then they watch it. I try to have it on appropriate shows for their ages.

I am currently participating in a free online conference called Feed, Play, Love.  If you are interested sign up its free.  They have live conversations set at certain times by experts in that topic.  It is amazing.  The conversations are available for 48 hours for free.  I missed the first 3 and am so bummed because the 2 I have listened to were amazing.  They are selling them on mp3 but even thou it is not expensive I don't have any extra money right now! Bummer. ( I did not get paid nor was I asked to say all that.  I really think it is awesome and if you read this post you should check it out. Plus its free!)

Anyways yesterdays talk (I just listened to it) was about media and its effects on kids.  I know to much TV isn't good and have been concerned for some time.  I didn't know exactly how bad it really is and why until now!  Now I am really worried to how do I know if the supposedly educational programming I do allow my kids to watch really is beneficial!  That is my biggest question because I will cut down TV time.  Now I plan on having set times the TV will be on. I still control what they watch to.  Most of what I allow is Disney Jr and nick Jr.  They (Disney & Nick) advertise these programs as being "like preschool on TV", but is it really?  What am I teaching them by letting them watch these shows?

I have started paying closer attention to the shows they watch and the list of banned shows has grown, but others concern me.  For example look at some Disney movies (step mothers are always evil, bad guys are always dark and ugly, good are always light and pretty)!  After watching the Princess and the Frog my 4 year old (Evie) had nightmares!  I should have watched it first, and I would not have allowed her to watch it.  Way to scary for a young child. 

In our society today media is everywhere and everything.  How do you escape it or limit it successfully? Are there really any good shows?  What am I teaching my kids really? One thing I know for sure they are not getting what I want them to get out of these shows.  It does give me a break now and then which is good for my sanity!  I think at this point we are seriously gonna consider scaling back even more than I had already done!  Perhaps we will return the DVD players for the car!  (Maybe not a quiet car trip is really a necessity!)

The long week! AKA the week from hell!

I haven't posted much this week for a number of reasons.  I have been so tired because of all we had going on!
Monday we ran errands, and had to take my husband to the dentist for an emergency visit.  A filling he just had done 4 days prior just spilt and fell apart! Fun!

Tuesday I had a colonoscopy because I have been having some problems. They are not fixed I am just going to see another doctor because the test was normal.  Great! I guess I have hemroids I don't know and erectociel.  I don't even know how to spell those or if they are even the right words.  I was still on the anesthetic when the doctor talked to me.  I don't know why he even did a colonoscopy he must have needed money for his vacation!  He spent five minutes with me at an appointment and said lets do a colonoscopy.  I figured he knew what he was talking about. Now I am not so sure!

Wednesday the day started so bad.  Hubby and I were not getting along.  Later, I had such a bad headache my husband had to come home from work to help me and to take care of the kids because I couldn't. Earlier that day the kids and I ran errands and on the way home I had to stop to call my brother and his girlfriend so they could drive us home because my migraine got so bad I couldn't see to drive!

Thursday hubby took vacation to be with me because he was having a bad time at work and we weren't getting along.  The day started bad with us talking about divorce and me thinking I'd go stay at my moms.  The tone quickly changed and we spent the day together.  It was a nice day with the family.  I still had a headache and wasn't feeling my best.  I think a lot of it was due to stress.
 
Friday Treated the carpets at my moms house because her 6 dogs have a lot of accidents! Then we dropped the kids off at my cousins because I had to have surgery.  I had a lipoma on my upper thigh.  We thought it was the size of a golf ball, but got in there and the dr realized it was bigger than my fists! 

Saturday I was in pain and feeling bad didn't do to much thank goodness for my hubby!  Hubby steam cleaned my moms carpets!

Sunday I was still hurting but we had big plans for today we took the kids to see Hop (great movie but my 3 year old didn't sit quietly all through it)!  Then took the kids to my cousins to watch them because hubby and I were meeting with pastor for martial counseling. 

Monday basically a good day.  Hubby and I are doing good.  He texted me today and asked me to marry him, and I said Yes! 

marriage

My husband and I have been having our share of difficulties lately.  We are still deeply in love, but also deeply stressed.  He texted me this morning and asked me to marry him.  I told the kids "Daddy asked me to marry him should I say Yes or No?" 

My four year old daughter immediately said "Yes".  Then after thinking for a moment asked me, "Are you and daddy married now?" Smart girl!  "Yes" I said, "your daddy is just being sweet and letting me know he loves me."  She was happy with that and smiled very big.

However, my son was in tears.  He literally had tears streaming down his face, and amidst his sobs was yelling at me.  Most of his rambling was incoherent.  I did understand "No, don't marry him, cause he's my daddy!"  I don't know what he thought I was gonna do to his daddy, but he was seriously very concerned!  I told him it was ok "I am already married to your daddy!"  This made things worse. 

So men must be born thinking marriage is bad!  I am just kidding.  Obviously he thought it meant something else.  Unfortunately, due to his personality (aka special needs) there was no way to discuss the matter.  I had to just say "Ok, I won't marry your daddy!"  His fears were gone and life went on.  Some other day we can talk about it.

We will have to eventually.  My husband and are are going to try and plan a renewal of our vows in 2years for our 15th wedding anniversary! 

Whats going on in his head?

I feel like I am running into a brick wall. We know that something is off with our 3 year old, Christopher AKA Topher.  He does many odd things, and doesn't get many social concepts.  Getting an actual diagnosis so we know how to handle him has been impossible.  The pediatrician says "there is definitely something there" "psychological not neurological".  That is the closest to a diagnosis we've gotten. 

We saw a psychologist at the Children's Hospital in Chicago.  Great hospital, but this was ridiculous, and a waist of time.  We came in once a week and sat in a tiny tiny TINY room. Where she asked me questions, listened to me talk, and somehow watched Toper.  How can she assess him in such an awkward place? He wasn't his normal self.  She gave him a couple of diagnoses Oppositional defiance disorder (ODD), middle child syndrome, and sensory integration disorder.  My son gets tons and tons of attention.  He does not act the way he does to get attention.  In fact most of the time he yells at me to leave him alone, and screams to not be touched or hugged!

Another psychologist saw him in our home from a government sponsored program called first steps.  They also provided speech, occupational, and developmental therapy once a week as well.  This psychologist was to eval Topher for autism.  The pediatrician suspected high functioning autism.  She said "No way is he autistic.  He is way to social." 

The school evaluated him to see if he qualified for services in developmental preschool.  They said he is way to smart.  He doesn't qualify.  Just because he is smart doesn't mean he doesn't need help. He is super smart.  However, has trouble processing things.  He doesn't understand other people and their emotions or social cues at all.  He accidentally head butted me today I yelled "Ouch!" He bust up laughing.  Either he didn't get it, or he likes hurting people. 

The pediatrician and psychologists both agree he has sensory integration dysfunction.  He needs both occupational and developmental therapy.  Our insurance covers them but leaves a 20.00 copay.  That is 40.00 a week plus costs of gas.  I can't afford it right now!  I don't know what to do.  There has to be something.  I feel lost and like a failure to my son.

Kindness

Ally is in her pack n play.  She hates it.  She was fussing cause she wants out.  Her sister Evie, is 4, and came over talked to her and showed her a bunch of her toys.  She is now playing contently with the toys Evie got her interested in.  Evie's compassion and kindness for others never ceases to amaze me. 

Oh, where did the day go!

I got to sleep in today!  Whoo hoooo, that doesn't happen often.  The older to got up and watched tv.  Ally woke up and ate then went back to sleep!  Awesome.  But that put our entire day off balance.  Ally slept in so took a late nap.  Which put everything late.  We were gonna go to my moms to visit, but by the time we were in the car it was 5:30! We still needed to go grocery shopping!  So a quick (as quick as possible) trip to Wal-Mart was all we had time for.  We stopped at McDonald's of coarse for dinner. 

It was so nice out still when we got home I took the kids for a little walk in our neighborhood.  Where we might have lost a bottle because I can't find one!  Ally is almost 10 months and now we lose a bottle! I am so bummed.  I either dropped it somewhere or she carried it off somewhere (she's a walker now)! She also unrolled a roll of toilet paper and snuck up the stairs today.  I do have a safety gate, but my 4 year old opened it!  And they all went up!  I was close behind, but she got up 3 stairs before I realized it! 

So the kids didn't get to bed until 8:30 and it took the older two forever to fall asleep!  Now here I am blogging instead of sleeping.  I must thou!  It is my therapy, and helps me keep my sanity!  Evie remembered we were supposed to go to grandma's.  I got off the hook with maybe we can go tomorrow!  Hope she forgets I have no intention of going anywhere tomorrow! 

The Crazy Lady Got Out!

I am losing my mind. Tonight I got so frustrated at the kids I yelled so loud my throat hurt.  After that I told them "mommy needs a time out!  Watch your movie, and do not fight!" Then I left the room.  I was and am so upset with myself.  I am so impatient these days.  I don't know who I am sometimes.  It seems like there is so much going on I can't focus and can't remember things.  It is driving me crazy.  Plus, add in kids screaming all day!  It's enough to make you lose it. 

I told them I was sorry and we decided they would be good and I wouldn't yell tomorrow. I didn't even realize I was yelling till after I did it!  I just don't want to be like my mom she always yelled and never listened.  At the same time I don't want my kids to think they can talk their way out of listening to me. If that makes sense.

 I just feel so bad.  This isn't who I wanted to be as a parent.  I didn't want to yell or spank my kids.  I wanted to be the nice mom that listens and always knows what to say and how to handle things!  I'm just not sure I know how to be her!  I guess the fact that I realize this and I want to correct it has to be a step in the right direction.  I think I am just overwhelmed.  That's why I am blogging again.  This is something for me and my sanity! I need it back! 

I just don't know what to do for discipline and punishments.  Topher doesn't respond to much.  He either laughs at me if I spank him or shuts down.  Time outs are also very challenging.  He is definitely a full time job.  Often watching him alone is very exhausting.  Evie is to smart.  She talks back and can be very nasty.  She refuses to clean up anything.  Ally is just a baby, getting into everything and everywhere!  I am stuck in the middle maintaining the peace, keeping everyone healthy, and at the same time trying to have a clean house as well.  Maybe I am just chasing the impossible and need to lower some of my expectations here.  A person can only do so much.