Since making the decision to be a stay at home mom I have come to identify myself as a mother. An identify that consumes every moment of my day and night. No different than that of any other parent. However, I have had so little time away from my kids that now when I am not with them I feel horrible. Even the thought of leaving the kids with anyone else gives me anxiety. I recently read an article in Parenting magazine about my (or any parents) need for time to themselves, and I realized this was so true. I decided that I would have to take or make time for myself without the kids.
I have also come to realize that since the kids rely solely on me 24/7 I have done them a disservice. They do not trust others as they do me, and they have a hard time without me. I knew I needed time alone and so did they. I figured the only way to do this was just start going places without the kids, no matter what. This was hard really hard. Over the past year and a half I had not been away from them for more than a few hours!
I really wanted to see the new Harry Potter movie so we decided that I would go to that opening night with my mother, and daddy would watch the kids. We thought since they would already be asleep things would go smoothly, which would give me more confidence to leave them in the future. I didn't want to go and debated going until the movie started. I had horrible chest pain and felt like I was gonna jump out of my skin until the movie got going! I couldn't get home fast enough after the movie, and an array of horrific things flashed through my mind as I drove home!
When I got home things weren't as bad as I feared, but not that good either. Both kids woke up and cried for me. Evie was fine once daddy told her I would be back. Christopher didn't do so good. He cried for me for a half hour and refused to go back to sleep until I got home. He woke up at 1am and his cries woke up Evie. After an hour Evie was back asleep, but he held on until 3:10 when I arrived home. I held him and within 15 minutes he was asleep. The good thing is that I know daddy can handle it!
I still have trouble and have a hard time leaving the kids. The though of it gives me the willies! I have gotten better, and since then have had to leave them with my in-laws on 2 occasions for longer than 5 hours. Due to medical procedures my husband had. They did great without me, and hardly missed me when I got home! Ouch! I think it was harder for me than them. They still have trouble without me (usually if they are tired), but we are all getting better at it. No matter where I go or what I do there is no place I'd rather be than with my babies!