I love my children very much. With that being said, Having the two so close together is very difficult. I often wonder if I am missing out on things with one or the other. Or worse if I am causing them to miss out on something or really cheating them out of some part of their childhood.
Because they are both so young they are each changing so fast it is hard to keep up. I feel that because each day moves so fast we are already missing out. It is hard enough to just get through the day with my sanity let alone stop and smell the roses. I feel so frantic at times, especially when they both are crying. The little things get missed and rushed instead of held onto and cherished. Whether its rocking the baby or cuddling with my daughter to help her fall asleep (it's the only way to get her to fall asleep) I have to force myself to take a deep breath, relax, and forget the world to so I can be completely in that moment. However, with thoughts of laundry, dishes, a neglected husband, a badly needed shower, and lots more cleaning circling round in my head relaxation even for a moment is next to impossible. Ironically, these time consuming moments are going to be the ones that are missed the most later, and I'll never be able to get them back.
I want to remember every minute of each of my kids lives. I want to be able to look back and tell them all about themselves as babies when they're adults. I want to remember the way they looked, acted, and smelled (at least after a bath I can do without remembering the dirty diaper smell). I also want them to remember their childhoods as happy fun times. I fear that with them being so close this may not be possible. Already so much has been over looked and forgotten during our frantic daily adventures. Most days I can't remember if I had a shower or not let alone what the kids did that day. Last week is a blur lost amidst dirty diapers, bottles, sippy cups, and bubble baths.
I also want to be the best mother that is humanly possible. Better than all the mother's before me. Unfortunately, it is difficult to give either one of them my full attention during most of the day. I try my best to allow one on one time throughout the day for each child. Ideally this is a great practice, but it is easier said than done. If one or the other needs something they are both at the age where they let you know that loud and clear, and neither has the ability to wait for long. I usually make my youngest wait if he can so his sister doesn't think he is causing her discomfort. Then I feel guilty like I should have known what was going to happen and planned ahead accordingly after all I am super mom right?
I think a large part of the problem is that so much is expected of mothers. We are supposed to be June Cleaver and have a clean home, happy children, dinner on the table, and all done in high heals with our pearls on. The reality isn't that pretty. Some days dishes are piled high others its laundry and even look at the carpet! My toddler likes to eat on the go! As a stay at home mom I feel like I should have everything done for the house, the kids, and my husband. I mean that is my job. I know it sounds like I am complaining, but I am not I wouldn't trade my job for anything in the world. It is the best and hardest job on the planet.
It just feels at times like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I have the fate of two human beings to think about with every decision I make. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason so to answer my question, "No I don't think it's cheating to have my kids so close in age. I think they are just the way God intended them to be, and I love them for who they are and who they will become. I just pray that I can be the mother they need to get them there, where ever that may be."