My angels!

My angels!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

exhaustion vs. depression

I don't know what my problem is lately. I am just so tired all the time. When morning comes I can hardly open my eyes. I know that raising two kids is going to be tough and I will get tired at times. I just don't know what is different about the past week or two that makes me so exhausted compared to the last four months.

I have been more tired lately than I was after having Christopher my youngest son who was born on 1-25-08. I didn't get to rest much after he was born because my daughter wouldn't let me. I also had to have my gallbladder removed 3 weeks after he was born. Then spent most of March in hospitals. My son was in and out of the hospital first for dehydration then they discovered he had RSV, and we also found out that he has a condition called Laryngomalacia. On top of all that my daughter was sick a couple of times, and got her molars in. Talk about rough times. None of that seems to compare to how I feel lately I am so worn down.

Most days when we wake up I get the kids dressed and get out of dodge. We head to my mom's house or the park. I know with two little ones going anywhere is somewhat of an adventure, but I feel like I need to go somewhere or do something. I start to go crazy just sitting at home with my kids. I think that probably makes me sound like a horrible mother, but I can't help it. At my mom's house I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters who can help me with the kids, and my mom has dogs that can keep my oldest entertained. So I don't have her attached to me.

At the park we walk around the mile track, I walk they ride in the stroller obviously. If I feel up to it we play a little at the playground. It is relaxing for me to walk, and then I feel like I've accomplished something for myself. I know we don't have to go anywhere, but somehow that seems easier to me than being at home. At home I look around at all I need to do, but haven't for whatever reason and it is depressing. I feel like a failure staring at the pile of laundry I can't fold. Try to fold clothes with one kid in your lap and the other rolling around in the piles of what was once neatly folded towels.

I don't really get any time for myself unless you count walking around the track at the park. The only time I have for cleaning (uninterrupted) is when they go to bed. If you read my past entries you know the trouble I'm having in that department with my daughter. Once I get them to sleep I clean, and I usually go online blog or check my myspace. Then I go to bed between 11 and 1 am. I know I need that time for sleep and maybe that's where my problem is. I have only been doing that for a little over a week now, but I like my time for myself with nobody crying or pulling on my pant leg.

I know that excessive tiredness can be a sign or symptom of depression, but who isn't a little depressed now a days. It takes double what it took last year to fill my gas tank. That alone would make anyone cry. If I go see a doctor all they will do is say, "Oh, it sounds like your depressed start taking these pills and see me next month!" I don't think so. I don't want nor do I think I need pills. It's just hard balancing time for me, Evie, Christopher, and Dennis. I couldn't even manage my time well before I had kids.

I think a lot of my being tired is also causing me to have anxiety and get more frustrated lately as well. Which mainly results in me being not so nice to someone who doesn't deserve it, and I'm not talking about my kids they are too cute to be mean to no matter what mood I'm in. Yep, my husband is suffering right along with me because I'm dragging him through the mud. I don't mean to, and since I know that I am doing it I'm trying to stop. It's just hard when your body feels like its full of a million bouncy balls bouncing in every direction possible. So what do I do? Do I need to see the doctor and take the addicting pills? If you have any ideas that don't involve prescriptions I'm all ears. My biggest concern is that I will fall asleep at the wrong time and someone will get hurt because I am so tired.

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