I can't sleep and it is killing me. I am tired, but then my head hits the pillow and I can't sleep. All day my head has been empty, but when I lay down thoughts start swimming around my in my head. What to do, what not to do, grocery lists, budgets, birthdays, the past year, the next year, and anything else that climbs in there. I spent most of the day in a tired fog, and now my head is working overtime.
I took a nap with the kids. Which now I am thinking "big mistake". I was tired until I went to lay down! I hope this helps, because it's late and I NEED sleep!
I know some of my problem is stress. I am stressed over money, marriage, life, parenting, and anything else that list doesn't cover. Actually, my marriage is doing surprisingly well. Considering that we hardly get any time to ourselves, sex is a foreign word no longer in our vocabulary. I mean we share our bed with a toddler. The most exciting thing going on in there is dodging kicks throughout the night! But we love each other and I can't imagine ever loving anyone else, or ever being without him. He's my knight in shining armor.
I am stressed over money. Especially since I don't work. I feel like I need to find ways to stretch our money as far as possible. I also feel guilty for wanting things, they cost money! I feel guilty for not working, and that my husband has to work. I don't like that he feels he has to carry the financial burden alone. I wish I could find good work at home! I don't have money to start an at home business, especially one that may not succeed!
I am stressed over the kids. They still take bottles and binkies. I don't know how to not. I give them sippies throughout the day. My son doesn't even hold his bottle most times. I know I have over parented. I can't help it. It's my job, and I am good at it. Too good in areas, and not so good in others. Neither of my kids sleep all night without a bottle or two, or three. I lay down each night with my kids until they fall asleep. I don't know how to get them to sleep any other way! We all sleep in one room. I don't know if they need their own room or not, but I am so afraid of something happening to them. Plus, for them to have their own rooms we would have to move. Something not undo-able (I don't know if that is a word!). I just don't know what to do about these things.
My angels!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Pizza anyone?
Today is the worst day, as far as cooking goes. Nothing is working out. I was going to make Chicken Caccitore, but my husband used most of the chicken. To my horror what chicken he did leave me smelt funny. Well one piece did, and I wasn't going to chance it. So that idea went out with the trash. Then I figured spaghetti would be nice. We had no hamburger for meat sauce. I like meat sauce. So I thought sausage would be fine. I have used sausage before and it turned out fine. This was not one of those times. It tastes weird! It said regular sausage, but it tastes like it has some kind of spices in it. I don't know which ones, but their in there. So I'm thinking suck it up and eat the funky pasta, or order pizza. Money is a little tight right now so I'll wait and see what daddy thinks!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Time for sleep!
It's almost a perfect night. Both kids are asleep. Christopher fell asleep around 8 and Evie around 10. Now I can't sleep. I don't know why. Earlier I couldn't stay awake, but now I can't shut my eyes. I can't stop thinking about stupid stuff.
I said something really bad about someone today and I shouldn't have said it. I think that is what is bothering me. I know what I said will get back around to me. I was just mad at the time. The person I said it about has used me and taken advantage of me in the past. Not to mention she has also stolen from me. That doesn't give me a right to say anything about her. What I said was in my opinion true, but very harsh. I may have slightly over exaggerated it. The worst part is that I honestly have no right to judge her. The comment was about her parenting skills. Every one and every child is different. We all make mistakes!
That's not all that is on my mind. I feel bad because I don't work. I want things that we don't really have the money to buy. I feel like I shouldn't want them since I don't work, for money! I want to work, but I want to be here for my children! I know many women work and still have great relationships with their children. However, I remember my mom working when I was little we never saw her, and when we did she was so tired. There were fun times, but not many. I remember feeling that it was my fault she had it so rough. She was 17 when she got pregnant with me. So in my mind that was my fault. If only I hadn't come along. (Keep in mind this was the thinking of a child.) I don't want my kids to feel that way ever. Everything I do I do for them because I want to. They complete me. I couldn't function without them.
I said something really bad about someone today and I shouldn't have said it. I think that is what is bothering me. I know what I said will get back around to me. I was just mad at the time. The person I said it about has used me and taken advantage of me in the past. Not to mention she has also stolen from me. That doesn't give me a right to say anything about her. What I said was in my opinion true, but very harsh. I may have slightly over exaggerated it. The worst part is that I honestly have no right to judge her. The comment was about her parenting skills. Every one and every child is different. We all make mistakes!
That's not all that is on my mind. I feel bad because I don't work. I want things that we don't really have the money to buy. I feel like I shouldn't want them since I don't work, for money! I want to work, but I want to be here for my children! I know many women work and still have great relationships with their children. However, I remember my mom working when I was little we never saw her, and when we did she was so tired. There were fun times, but not many. I remember feeling that it was my fault she had it so rough. She was 17 when she got pregnant with me. So in my mind that was my fault. If only I hadn't come along. (Keep in mind this was the thinking of a child.) I don't want my kids to feel that way ever. Everything I do I do for them because I want to. They complete me. I couldn't function without them.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Little Stinker!
We arrived home from Michigan, visiting the In-Laws since Tuesday, a few hours ago. I have been cleaning and the kids have been destroying the house, playing hard core. If you watch them you would think that you were watching a wrestling show, no joke.
Finally, Christopher realized he was tired, really, really overtired. He had a complete melt down and just started screaming. I put him into his pj's and was trying to put him to sleep. When his sister came into the bedroom all decked out in her princess gear. The crown on her head with streamers running down the back, and her pink feather boa across her shoulders. She also had her pink Hello Kitty purse in hand.
I looked at her and said, "No, go play with daddy!" She just stood there staring at me. I made my voice sound mean and said, "Get out. Your brother has to go to sleep. Get Out!"
She turned around and walked out of the doorway to the room, and then as she turned to face me she held out her arm with her purse in it. This put her arm and purse in the room, but the rest of her out in the hallway. She looked at me with a smirk, as if to say, "Ha Ha I'm not in the room!"
Then she left towards the living room. Although I don't approve of this behavior I still found it cute and funny. So I had to go tell her father. I got up, with Christopher in my arms, and headed to the living room. Evie knew she had been a bad girl and thought that I was after her so she took off running into the living room. Both daddy and I laughed at how much of a stinker our little princess is.
We have to laugh now, because later it won't be so funny. I don't want her to act like that, but I pick my battles and let the small stuff slide. If I didn't I'd go insane! Welcome to the terrible two's!
Finally, Christopher realized he was tired, really, really overtired. He had a complete melt down and just started screaming. I put him into his pj's and was trying to put him to sleep. When his sister came into the bedroom all decked out in her princess gear. The crown on her head with streamers running down the back, and her pink feather boa across her shoulders. She also had her pink Hello Kitty purse in hand.
I looked at her and said, "No, go play with daddy!" She just stood there staring at me. I made my voice sound mean and said, "Get out. Your brother has to go to sleep. Get Out!"
She turned around and walked out of the doorway to the room, and then as she turned to face me she held out her arm with her purse in it. This put her arm and purse in the room, but the rest of her out in the hallway. She looked at me with a smirk, as if to say, "Ha Ha I'm not in the room!"
Then she left towards the living room. Although I don't approve of this behavior I still found it cute and funny. So I had to go tell her father. I got up, with Christopher in my arms, and headed to the living room. Evie knew she had been a bad girl and thought that I was after her so she took off running into the living room. Both daddy and I laughed at how much of a stinker our little princess is.
We have to laugh now, because later it won't be so funny. I don't want her to act like that, but I pick my battles and let the small stuff slide. If I didn't I'd go insane! Welcome to the terrible two's!
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