starting up again

This post went to such a dark place I wanted to come back and start with a positive note!  My kids are doing great.  Growing fast and keeping me busy.  Pushing my buttons and testing my patience!  And yes most days with the hubby things are amazing. As long as I don't have a blue (depressed possible delusional) day!

Oh, where to begin?  I haven't posted in so long.  I've wanted to, but there is never enough time in the day.  I've realized i need to start making time for things I want to do, cause I'm slowly going insane. Don't tell my husband I'll deny it! Just kidding.  Ive had some rough patches lately, and been really down on myself.  I think the biggest issue is that being a stay at home mom my entire life is the kids, house, and hubby but no me!  I've been to hard on myself but its hard not to when I feel like this is my job and I have to do my part because hubby works hard at his part!  But I am seriously slowly driving myself insane. 

I've pushed my husband away (he sought out the comfort from a stranger on facebook).  That's over and were working our issues, but the damages been done.  No physical contact was made but i told him the emotional connection is just as bad! I blame him and don't blame him.  I didn't or wouldn't talk to him cause i didn't want to bother him.  He has no idea how much I appreciate that he goes to work no matter what so I can stay at home with our children. The big problem is trust I am constantly wondering who hes talking to txting, email, facebook, and whatever else.  Maybe I am a bit paranoid.  I don't know.  It comes and goes and I drive myself so nuts I get chest pain!

Plus I am just not happy with myself physically and mentally.  I have very few friends.  You could count them on one hand and have fingers left over. Some of them are relatives too!  Doesn't help that I'm not getting younger, and my body has had 3 C-sections in the past 3 1/2 years!  It might be a lil postpartum, I am not sure. 

I have trouble remembering things.  Even moments after they have happened.  I feel like I'm here at times but not here!  I don't know how to just be in this moment!  I want to so bad.  I want to enjoy this time with my kids and be able to remember it.  I think it might be because so many things are always going on and or need to be done.  I'm always thinking about something or lots of somethings! 

FYI I feel a lot better after posting this!  Thanks for listening! 
Oh and blogger needs an auto correct for spelling took me forever to correct my spelling errors!

going crazy

i dont know if its the weather or what. but evie and topher have been fighting like cats and dogs. i am seriously going crazy.  they play so good together but then snap and fight like crazy.  sometime christopher does things on purpose just to start a fight and i know thats true because you can see it on his face when he does things or afterwards.  i wish i had extra money for some type of high impact class to get all their energy outt. this week was really bad but topher hadnt left the house in 6 days. so no wonder he was outta control.

2 darn smart

Ok all parents do this, we tell our kids around Christmas be good or you'll be on the naughty list and Santa won't bring you any presents!  I don't know how many times we said this in December!  But Christmas morning came and the first thing Evie said when she saw the presents was, "Santa brought us presents and we both good and a little bit naughty!  Mommy and dad Santa didn't put anything in your stocking.  You were really naughty!"

So next year Santa has to bring mom and dad stocking stuffers!  Kids are so cute and way to smart for us! 

going crazy

Snow snow and more snow!  We've been stuck at home for a few days and it shows.  Christopher is going bananas here.  He's off the charts wild.  Hitting and poking everyone just for a rise.  He spent so much time in time out today!
 An example:  I got the candy jar down told the kids to pick something.  Then I went to get Ally from her crib.  Topher came running by with Evie screaming behind him.  He took her sucker and all the other ones! Ran and hid under my bed!  So I got him out and took all the suckers.  Then I told him to go to his room.  He said, "NO. I'll kill you.  Fucker!"  Excuse my language but it is a direct quote!  I almost died! 

He has been saying that word for some time but never like that.  At first we tried the ignore it tactic.  Then we explained its not a good word.  Now he's just in trouble whenever he uses it.  But this was to much.  I picked him up and carried him to his room and made it clear that under no circumstances is it ok to talk to me like that!  I wanted to put soap in his mouth or spank him I was so mad.  But I figured I needed a time out to so I didn't.  I feel like a failure every time I actually spank him.  He just pushes me till I break.  (note: He does not get spanked very often) 

But still here we are stuck in the snow! Slowly going insane!  I do like being home my house is so much cleaner than normal! 

Christopher has been tested by a few doctors and he's been diagnosed with sensory integration disorder, oppositional defiance disorder, and middle child syndrome.  None of which I feel explain his behavior problems.  But that's another long story for another day!