You're just emotional!

 I want to take some time and talk about something that I feel is not talked about enough.  Mental abuse is nothing to be ashamed of, and very real.  I often have been told I am irrational or overly emotional.  In many senses I am, but I also spend so much time shut down and isolating myself.  Living life hidden inside my head because it is the only safe place. 

Unlike physical abuse where the evidence is completely visible and harder to hide mental abuse is an entirely different monster.  Mental abuse can leave you feeling like you are the crazy one.  Your abuser will make you feel like it is your fault for overreacting.  Or they "Just cannot joke with you."  Or maybe you are just too emotional.  

Mental abuse takes away everything that is you.  You are left doubting yourself.  You doubt your sanity.  You question your reality.  Am I overreacting?  Are my feelings valid?  Am I crazy?  Why can't I just take a joke?  What is wrong with me?  

There is no physical bruise to show a friend or someone to ask for help.  You don't know how to even explain it.  How can you put that into words?  What are the right words for this?  How do you explain the feeling of being reduced to nothing and made to feel like it is all your fault.  What did you even do wrong?  

You frantically search for the answers and try not to make the same mistake again and again.  Maybe this time I will get it right.  If I am perfect, If I play my part just right then everything will be ok!  But it is never ok.  There is always something wrong.  

You completely lose yourself.  You lose everything about you.  You live in survival mode.  Constantly trying to fix yourself because you believe that you are the problem.  

You become depressed and isolated.  You believe that you are worth nothing because you caused all this.  You have completely lost all sense of self.  

Your personality and values have been hijacked by your flight or fight reflexes.  You can't even live in the moment because you must constantly remain vigilant.  Always preparing for the future.  Trying to be perfect. 

You hold yourself to an absurd standard of perfection. Even though you know it is unobtainable. Ironically, you forgive your abuser for everything. After all its not his/her fault that you ruin everything.  You hate yourself for what you have become, and you have no idea what to do.  

Your trapped because how do you explain this.  What words can describe this to someone else?  And if you try to explain, will they think you are crazy too?  Will they judge you and hate you too?  Will they agree and confirm your worse fears, that you are the problem.  

This is something you just cannot bring yourself to face. So, you suffer in silence.  You keep these thoughts and fears inside your head.  You feel rooms and rooms in your mind with things left unsaid.  Afraid of being a burden.  Afraid of everything so you just sit in silence, and think to yourself, "I'm just emotional!" 

This pain is real.  Your pain is real.  You are not the problem.  You are not worthless.  You are not just emotional.  You are not irrational.  You can take a joke that is an actual joke!   

Your thoughts and your feelings are valid.

Your thoughts and your feelings do matter! 

You matter. 

The first step towards healing is realizing this and accepting it.  I know better said that done.  Everything in you will fight this.  You have been broken down and conditioned to believe that you are the problem.  Your very core with fight you on this idea.  

But you will take that first step towards healing.  You will open up and talk to someone.  You have to because your survival depends upon it.  Life isn't meant to be this way.  You deserve happiness, everyone does.  

When you open up and start talking, you will hear the words coming out of your mouth. It will sound so foreign and crazy.  So much so that even though you were there, and you know this is the truth it will feel like lies.  It will feel so absurd. People will look at you and some will sympathize others will judge.  They will ask you "Why?"  "Why did you allow this?"  Why did you accept/tolerate this?

You won't know what to say.   There is no answer to that for anyone.  The answer won't make sense to them, and it hurts you that they don't understand. At the same time, you are happy they don't understand.  You don't wish this pain on anyone. 

This is your story and your journey.  You were lost and this is the road to finding yourself. 

Because even if you are emotional- your emotions are valid. 

My depression

Many people suffer from depression.  I think my depression has gotten harder for me as a mom.  My anxiety is worse, after all pieces of my heart are out walking around and I cannot protect them from everything.  Mom guilt is so real and overwhelming at times.  For me my depression is like this:  when things are fine I will describe it as walking down a sunny path.  It is warm, comfortable,  and welcoming.

Then why would I want to leave this path?  Good question!  I don't want to, but I can't help it.  You must understand it is never intentional.  It starts small with a negative thought.  Just one thought maybe I didn't do something that I feel I should have.  This is a big one for me.  This one negative thought is a step off the path.  But the reality is negative thoughts always come in pairs.

Each negative thought leads to another.  I call this falling down the rabbit hole.  You feel it, but you are powerless to stop it.  The voices in your head call on all your deepest fears and push you further into darkness.  You've now fallen so far you can no longer see the warm path you started on.

Life gets really tough at this point.  It is hard to function in darkness.  Here life becomes a double edged sword.  You try to balance it.  Depression is a relentless demon thou.  The negative thoughts weigh you down.  You become tired.  Each day is harder and harder to complete the simplest of tasks.  So things get forgotten or put on hold.  Then the guilt kicks in for forgetting and procrastinating.

"You forgot your son's glasses this morning."  "You forgot your child's medication."  "You must be the worst mother in the world!"  The hits just keep coming.  Each another step into darkness and despair.

Eventually you find yourself on the edge of a cliff.  The darkness, despair, loneliness, and pain of depression call for you to do the unthinkable.  Your frozen here.  You don't want the pain anymore.  You don't want to suffer and you can't see your way back to the light.

The demons inside have lead you to a place that no one should go.  Those who have not been there do not understand.  They can not.

The bright side is you don't have to stay there.  I don't know why we (moms) are always so hard on ourselves. I often find myself telling people "oh I'm just a mom!"  That right there is part of the problem.  There is no "just a mom"!  We don't give ourselves credit where it is due! But we sure beat ourselves up when things don't go right! 

While I don't have all the answers and I know I will never stop setting unrealistic expectations for myself I do have a little advice.  We all know we need time for ourselves.  We know that self-care is important.  But when your in a dark place even basic tasks are hard.  You muster enough of yourself to take care of your children and there isn't anything left for you.  It is hard I know and your not alone.

My advice is do one thing!  Just one thing.  No matter what it is.  Take a shower.  Go for a walk.  Clean your room. Just one thing.  Do that thing and feel good about it.  Allow yourself that.

If things get to bad then seek help.  There is nothing wrong with getting help.  Depression and anxiety are real and nothing to be ashamed of. 

Remember tomorrow is a new day! 

Really me....on my darkest days

So I know and I have known for a while that I am not OK.  I hate that.   I have everything I want and seriously am the luckiest person alive.  So why am I not OK?  I think that makes it all the more worse for me.  I know my husband is amazing.  Don't get me wrong he isn't perfect!  He can irritate me like no other.  He can also make me feel perfect when my mind is telling me I am not.  He is my rock.  My kids are awesome!  They are awesomely, horrible, amazing little monsters!  I love them so much it is crazy!  I get to work from home and set my own hours!   How cool is that?  So many people say to me you do so much, or you are a great mom.  I don't see it.  I can't see it and I don't know why.  I am literally my own worst enemy!

Confessions from my darkness: Some days the kids go to school and I sleep until they come home!  I do!  I feel like a jerk.  I make them go to school.  My husband drives over an hour to work and I slept all day.  I didn't do the laundry, the dishes, or get work done.  I did nothing!  I feel worthless.  I tell him I slept all day.  I am so ashamed and I feel bad.  He says its "OK".  I have no idea what is wrong with him.  But I smile.  My heart feels better for a moment. 

Fast forward its dinner time.  I have no idea what to make.  I didn't plan ahead.  I cannot plan ahead.  I take orders and prepare dinner.  Its a make order kitchen.  My evening is more stressed and I feel worse.  Why wasn't I a good mom and prepared a healthy dinner on time?  Why didn't I make my kids eat whatever I cooked?  My 5 yr old wants peanut butter, Nuttela, but we have no clean spoons.  He says "why didn't you do the dishes?"  It cuts through my heart like a dagger! I say because I didn't feel good.  I really didn't that is why I slept.  But I never feel good lately. 

 Ugh, its bed time and I hate bed time.  No one wants to go to bed and I just want a moment of quiet.   They feel my stress.  They sense my weakness.  I don't have the energy for this.   One kid in bed then up while I'm putting another one in bed.  Things are spiraling out of control.  I blame myself.  They want a story.  Its good to read to kids.  However, its is past bedtime and they need to sleep.  I have no energy for a book.  I don't read.  I feel worse.  I am a bad mom.  How did I get here?  They are finally in bed.  It is quiet.  I sit and relax.  I feel awful.  I think of how the day was supposed to go, and all the things I wanted to do or say.   I wish I could wake them up and hug them and somehow fix it.  I tel myself its alright and tomorrow is a new day.  Every new day is a promise for a new beginning.  I will do better.

So that is really me on my darkest days!  It is painful to admit.  But why?  Why am I so hard on myself?  Why do I need to be perfect?  When will I be enough for me?