You're just emotional!

 I want to take some time and talk about something that I feel is not talked about enough.  Mental abuse is nothing to be ashamed of, and very real.  I often have been told I am irrational or overly emotional.  In many senses I am, but I also spend so much time shut down and isolating myself.  Living life hidden inside my head because it is the only safe place. 

Unlike physical abuse where the evidence is completely visible and harder to hide mental abuse is an entirely different monster.  Mental abuse can leave you feeling like you are the crazy one.  Your abuser will make you feel like it is your fault for overreacting.  Or they "Just cannot joke with you."  Or maybe you are just too emotional.  

Mental abuse takes away everything that is you.  You are left doubting yourself.  You doubt your sanity.  You question your reality.  Am I overreacting?  Are my feelings valid?  Am I crazy?  Why can't I just take a joke?  What is wrong with me?  

There is no physical bruise to show a friend or someone to ask for help.  You don't know how to even explain it.  How can you put that into words?  What are the right words for this?  How do you explain the feeling of being reduced to nothing and made to feel like it is all your fault.  What did you even do wrong?  

You frantically search for the answers and try not to make the same mistake again and again.  Maybe this time I will get it right.  If I am perfect, If I play my part just right then everything will be ok!  But it is never ok.  There is always something wrong.  

You completely lose yourself.  You lose everything about you.  You live in survival mode.  Constantly trying to fix yourself because you believe that you are the problem.  

You become depressed and isolated.  You believe that you are worth nothing because you caused all this.  You have completely lost all sense of self.  

Your personality and values have been hijacked by your flight or fight reflexes.  You can't even live in the moment because you must constantly remain vigilant.  Always preparing for the future.  Trying to be perfect. 

You hold yourself to an absurd standard of perfection. Even though you know it is unobtainable. Ironically, you forgive your abuser for everything. After all its not his/her fault that you ruin everything.  You hate yourself for what you have become, and you have no idea what to do.  

Your trapped because how do you explain this.  What words can describe this to someone else?  And if you try to explain, will they think you are crazy too?  Will they judge you and hate you too?  Will they agree and confirm your worse fears, that you are the problem.  

This is something you just cannot bring yourself to face. So, you suffer in silence.  You keep these thoughts and fears inside your head.  You feel rooms and rooms in your mind with things left unsaid.  Afraid of being a burden.  Afraid of everything so you just sit in silence, and think to yourself, "I'm just emotional!" 

This pain is real.  Your pain is real.  You are not the problem.  You are not worthless.  You are not just emotional.  You are not irrational.  You can take a joke that is an actual joke!   

Your thoughts and your feelings are valid.

Your thoughts and your feelings do matter! 

You matter. 

The first step towards healing is realizing this and accepting it.  I know better said that done.  Everything in you will fight this.  You have been broken down and conditioned to believe that you are the problem.  Your very core with fight you on this idea.  

But you will take that first step towards healing.  You will open up and talk to someone.  You have to because your survival depends upon it.  Life isn't meant to be this way.  You deserve happiness, everyone does.  

When you open up and start talking, you will hear the words coming out of your mouth. It will sound so foreign and crazy.  So much so that even though you were there, and you know this is the truth it will feel like lies.  It will feel so absurd. People will look at you and some will sympathize others will judge.  They will ask you "Why?"  "Why did you allow this?"  Why did you accept/tolerate this?

You won't know what to say.   There is no answer to that for anyone.  The answer won't make sense to them, and it hurts you that they don't understand. At the same time, you are happy they don't understand.  You don't wish this pain on anyone. 

This is your story and your journey.  You were lost and this is the road to finding yourself. 

Because even if you are emotional- your emotions are valid. 

I don't know what to title this one! Maybe Help Please I'm Crazy!

I'm just having one of those days. The past few weeks have been rough. I'm tired all the time, and I have no idea why. I'm getting the same (if not more) sleep, but I am suddenly finding myself super tired. I went to the doctor and had blood work done. My vitamin d was low and I had a liver marker (idk what that means, but they said to watch it). Otherwise everything else they checked was OK.

I'm irritable and less patient than normal. At first I thought I might be pregnant again, despite birth control pills (which I take religiously LOL). Now I have no idea. I feel horrible for loosing my patience with my kids. I feel even worse for being crazy towards my hubby. Oh, yeah forgot to mention that part. I am delusional. I constantly think he is either cheating on me or just no longer in love with me. To the point that I ask almost weekly if he wants me to leave, and daily if he is sure he loves me. I'm sure he isn't cheating on me, but that doesn't mean he won't (there I go again). If he isn't with me acting like this he is bound to! So why am I pushing him away!

I need a straight jacket and a weekend in the loony bin! I constantly forget things. Or just don't do them because I'm tired. I set myself up to fail by trying to do to many things in the day! I know it's not possible, but I am still upset with myself for not completing them.

This week I have no idea where the days are even going. I wake up next thing I know its night time, and I didn't get anything done! I have no idea what I do all day! It's all a giant blurr! If it weren't for me writing everything on the calendar I'd have no idea what we did or even what day it is!

I'm so out of control of everything including myself right now and it is totally freaking me out. Worst of all I have no one to talk to about it. Therefore I have no way of figuring this out! Other than buckling down and waiting for the storm to pass, whenever that might be!

Oh, I am completely open to any advise! Cause I got nothing here!

Mad, but not mad!

Ok, I am mad. I don't think I should be mad, but I am. Today after work (he works nights) my husband went out with the guys for a few drinks. This is not the problem. He should go out every once in a while. The problem is well it is a couple of things.

First he didn't call me to tell me he was going out until he was already out. Not to mention I received the call 2 hours after he was supposed to be home from work. Yes, I was starting to worry. He said he had a meeting, went to the bank, and called me when he got to the bar. He didn't have a phone with him so he had to borrow a buddies phone. Fine.

Why didn't you call before you left work? I don't know. Plus, he called me not on the house phone, but on my cell. Which he knows that I usually don't answer when at home! I felt like he was being a sneaky kid. Trying to get the voice mail and leave a message so I couldn't or wouldn't yell. He said, "It was the first number I thought of!" Ok, fine. I'm not in the habit of calling him a liar, so I accepted this shaky argument!

My second problem with hubby's day out is that he was out until 2pm. No big deal you say! Well his 2pm is a normal persons 2am. Think about that! On top of that we only have 1 car so the kids and I were stuck at home all day. Again, no big deal. I did have places I wanted to go, but nothing really important. I wanted us to go as a family. That's not entirely true I would have gone with my sister if she had come into town. She was to tired, she's the one with the newborn!

I am more jealous than mad I guess. So mostly these are excuses to be mad. I could never go out for any length of time without the kids. I wouldn't have fun. I would be driven crazy by visions of horrible things that may or may not happen. As if they wouldn't happen if I were there. I hardly ever go or do anything without the kids and when I do I feel naked! I know that doesn't sound right, but having my kids with me is so normal just like getting dressed! It's just what I do! I wouldn't have things any other way, though. I don't ever want to miss anything in either of my kids lives. I really feel like hubby misses out on too much! You can never get these days back, once they are gone they are gone. Kids grow up so fast!

So I am mad, but I am not mad. I know hubby works hard to support us and deserves some outlet. I don't approve of the bar with his buddies. It is not my cup of tea, but that really isn't my place to judge. Or is it? I guess there are worse and more expensive things he could do. Plus, he hardly ever goes out. I am trying to cut him some slack. I just don't think he should go when I can't. I don't feel comfortable leaving the kids with anyone for a long time, and if I did I would go some where with him, not by myself. Maybe I need to! I guess the problem is more me than if is him! Bummer! Again, these are probably some of my postpartum issues that have yet to be addressed.