So I know and I have known for a while that I am not OK. I hate that. I have everything I want and seriously am the luckiest person alive. So why am I not OK? I think that makes it all the more worse for me. I know my husband is amazing. Don't get me wrong he isn't perfect! He can irritate me like no other. He can also make me feel perfect when my mind is telling me I am not. He is my rock. My kids are awesome! They are awesomely, horrible, amazing little monsters! I love them so much it is crazy! I get to work from home and set my own hours! How cool is that? So many people say to me you do so much, or you are a great mom. I don't see it. I can't see it and I don't know why. I am literally my own worst enemy!
Confessions from my darkness: Some days the kids go to school and I sleep until they come home! I do! I feel like a jerk. I make them go to school. My husband drives over an hour to work and I slept all day. I didn't do the laundry, the dishes, or get work done. I did nothing! I feel worthless. I tell him I slept all day. I am so ashamed and I feel bad. He says its "OK". I have no idea what is wrong with him. But I smile. My heart feels better for a moment.
Fast forward its dinner time. I have no idea what to make. I didn't plan ahead. I cannot plan ahead. I take orders and prepare dinner. Its a make order kitchen. My evening is more stressed and I feel worse. Why wasn't I a good mom and prepared a healthy dinner on time? Why didn't I make my kids eat whatever I cooked? My 5 yr old wants peanut butter, Nuttela, but we have no clean spoons. He says "why didn't you do the dishes?" It cuts through my heart like a dagger! I say because I didn't feel good. I really didn't that is why I slept. But I never feel good lately.
Ugh, its bed time and I hate bed time. No one wants to go to bed and I just want a moment of quiet. They feel my stress. They sense my weakness. I don't have the energy for this. One kid in bed then up while I'm putting another one in bed. Things are spiraling out of control. I blame myself. They want a story. Its good to read to kids. However, its is past bedtime and they need to sleep. I have no energy for a book. I don't read. I feel worse. I am a bad mom. How did I get here? They are finally in bed. It is quiet. I sit and relax. I feel awful. I think of how the day was supposed to go, and all the things I wanted to do or say. I wish I could wake them up and hug them and somehow fix it. I tel myself its alright and tomorrow is a new day. Every new day is a promise for a new beginning. I will do better.
So that is really me on my darkest days! It is painful to admit. But why? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I need to be perfect? When will I be enough for me?
Confessions from my darkness: Some days the kids go to school and I sleep until they come home! I do! I feel like a jerk. I make them go to school. My husband drives over an hour to work and I slept all day. I didn't do the laundry, the dishes, or get work done. I did nothing! I feel worthless. I tell him I slept all day. I am so ashamed and I feel bad. He says its "OK". I have no idea what is wrong with him. But I smile. My heart feels better for a moment.
Fast forward its dinner time. I have no idea what to make. I didn't plan ahead. I cannot plan ahead. I take orders and prepare dinner. Its a make order kitchen. My evening is more stressed and I feel worse. Why wasn't I a good mom and prepared a healthy dinner on time? Why didn't I make my kids eat whatever I cooked? My 5 yr old wants peanut butter, Nuttela, but we have no clean spoons. He says "why didn't you do the dishes?" It cuts through my heart like a dagger! I say because I didn't feel good. I really didn't that is why I slept. But I never feel good lately.
Ugh, its bed time and I hate bed time. No one wants to go to bed and I just want a moment of quiet. They feel my stress. They sense my weakness. I don't have the energy for this. One kid in bed then up while I'm putting another one in bed. Things are spiraling out of control. I blame myself. They want a story. Its good to read to kids. However, its is past bedtime and they need to sleep. I have no energy for a book. I don't read. I feel worse. I am a bad mom. How did I get here? They are finally in bed. It is quiet. I sit and relax. I feel awful. I think of how the day was supposed to go, and all the things I wanted to do or say. I wish I could wake them up and hug them and somehow fix it. I tel myself its alright and tomorrow is a new day. Every new day is a promise for a new beginning. I will do better.
So that is really me on my darkest days! It is painful to admit. But why? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I need to be perfect? When will I be enough for me?
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