My heart breaks...

My heart would break for you.  Each and every day my heart would break a little as I watched you decline.  As I watched you suffer and wished for nothing but your suffering to end my heart would break.  My heart would break more with impending reality, that the only escape from your suffering was your death.  Still my heart would break for you, and I longed for you to be at peace.  I longed for your suffering to end.  I didn’t want to see you go.  I only wanted your pain to end.  So my heart was torn broken in a mixed up jumble of pieces that made no sense.  The end came and I should take comfort that you are at peace, but still my heart still breaks.  My heart breaks for my father who no longer has his soul mate.  My heart breaks for my brothers, sisters, and me who no longer have a mother. My heart breaks with each and every day that we cannot share something/ anything with you, from the big game to the cute and funny stories. My heart breaks for my kids, niece, and nephew who no longer have a grandmother to spoil them.  My heart breaks for the pain we all now know.  My heart breaks for my children who now know this fear of losing their mother.  With each and every illness that I contract, from a cold to a bee sting the fear of loss haunts them. My heart breaks for the reality of mortality that has crept into our lives.  My heart breaks…

In memory of my loving mother Dana Alexander, who lost her battle with ALS in May.  I miss you mom.  

Yes, I am alive!

I haven't posted in so long.  I feel like a long lost relative in for an awkward visit.  I don't know where to begin.  Life is crazy.  Oh, so crazy!  My mom was diagnosed with ALS in 2012.  Life has kinda spiraled out of control then taken on some crazy kind of normalcy.  It's has been an emotional journey to say the least.  I home schooled the kids last year.  That was fun.  We bought our first ever home.  That was stressful!  The kids are in a great school.  My mom is not doing well, but she is hanging in there.  I have learned to take it slow.  Or at least I know I should and I am trying to do that.  It is hard with 4 kids!  Nothing is slow in a home with 4 kids.  Thaddeus is 3.  Ally 5, Christopher 8 and Evie 9!  Evie had Lyme disease last year!  That was rough.  We hope no lasting effects remain.  That's for another post I guess.  LONG story!  Christopher is still having troubles.  Another LONG story!  Ally has her own problems too! LOL  The only one without a long story is my youngest.  And he's just such a lil sweet heart that in itself is another long story!   We are definitely full of drama in this house!  But the point is I am still here.  Taking one day at a time.  Trying my best at this parenting thing.  Some days I feel like a horrific failure and other days I think "Wow I'm rocking at this"  Well there aren't a lot of those kinda days.  But many days that I'm ok with! I have learned one major lesson in all this.  I am the luckiest lady on the planet!  I am truly blessed.  My kids are a major pain some days but everyday they are amazing!  They show me so much and teach me more than I ever thought possible.  And yeah I make tons of mistakes, but that is ok too!  My husband is irritating sometimes, but other times he is of the charts awesome!  I thank God for him!  My mom is sick but she is still here and it has brought our close family together even more.  My brothers and sisters are frustrating to say the least, but they are also the best a girl could ask for.  I love my life and am so grateful for everything God has provided.  So Yes, I am alive and kicking!  

Sick Kids!

Today has been the longest day ever.  I have been up since 3:30 this morning.  Ally woke me up when she vomited.  She has been throwing up all day.  The worst part was when I thought she was alright and left the house.  I needed to stop at the post office and Wal-Mart.  That was a bad idea.  She started crying at the post office that she was hurting.  Then she threw up a massive amount!  It was awful.  I didn't bring the diaper bag in, so I had nothing with me.  We were probably the 10th people in line.  Everyone was nice.  We left.  One man did offer to mail my letter for me, but I declined since I hadn't paid for it yet. One man gave me a couple napkins so I could wipe her face off.  She feels fine, but everything she eats comes right back out!
Thaddeus is sick to but he has diarrhea.  He is so cranky and miserable.  He has hardly slept at all today.  He will be seven months tomorrow.  The worst part is every time he goes it is so watery it seeps out everywhere, and I have to change him. 
I hope they feel better tomorrow we are supposed to go to my moms and watch the Super Bowl.  The older kids aren't sick, and I know my mom is looking foreword to it.  She has ALS and doesn't get to leave much or have many visitors other than me and my sisters.  I hate it because many of my moms friends ask me on facebook how she is and if there is anything they can do.  If your really a friend don't talk to me go visit her!  That's my rant for the day!
Well wish me luck! Hopefully we all get some sleep tonight and get to watch the niners win it tomorrow with all the family!

Hello World!

I haven't posted in almost a year!  I don't know why.  It's hard to find time for myself.  Also when things are rough sometimes it is difficult to put them into words.  When you write down your feelings they become real and you can no longer escape them or deny them.  The reality is that the past year has been a roller coaster.  So many ups and downs I have no idea where to start.
       First, I will start with the positive.  The best thing that happened in 2012 was the birth of my second son, my fourth and most likely final child, Thaddeus Samuel Menear.  I didn't post during my pregnancy because it was rough.  I had gestational diabetes again and I was just miserable.  Plus, the thought of another C-section was really dragging me down.  In fact during my C-section I said "I'm never doing this again!" Having a C-section is nothing like they show on TV! It is horrible.  I freak out every time and have a massive anxiety attack.  I was also nervous about having another baby because of our life in general.  I was finally at a point where I could go back to work.  Lord, knows these days most families need or can use a second income.  In fact I was working up till the day before the baby was born.  I just can't bring myself to put him in daycare.  (I may be slightly neurotic but I can't trust strangers with my kids till they are old enough to talk to me about problems!)  I can admit now I had doubts about whether having another child was the smart decision, but God knows best!  I am Thankful for that.  I couldn't imagine life without any of my children.  Thaddeus is a gift from above and his smile, hugs, and kisses remind me every day how precious life is.  (Not that my other children don't as well, but with Thaddeus it is a little different.)
    That brings me to the negative of 2012.  The rock bottom of my roller coaster ride.  A couple weeks before the birth of Thaddeus my mom was diagnosed with ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease, and given three to five years to live.   My mom went from being a hard working, outgoing, and completely self sufficient person in the beginning on 2012 to hardly being able to walk, lost the use of her arms, can no longer drive or do any self care without assistance.  She spent the week before Christmas in ICU at Northwestern in Chicago.  She now has a feeding tube.  She can still eat foods, but not enough to maintain.  This has been devastating to our family.  My 15 year old sister is now home schooled to help mom during the day.  My mom was her mentor but as of November mom could no longer use the computer.  I took over and am now homeschooling my sister.  I am also doing all my moms work at the family business.  I don't really get paid for any of this.  I'm not complaining about that I just wanted to mention it since I had talked about money above.  Life right now is just bearable.  I'm grateful my mom is still with us, but can't bear to see her suffering.   So when things get completely unbearable Thaddeus give me a big kiss and reminds me that life goes on.  He is my sunshine through the darkness.  A gift of life from God sent at just the right time to remind me that everything happens for a reason.