The death of snowball

So yesterday was a super fun day!  I will tell you all about it later, but first the death of snowball. 

Snowball was my 7 year old daughters hamster.  We had her for about 2 years.  Which I now know is a long time for a hamster.  Ally loved this hamster!  She had to be told not to take it to bed with her, not to share her food with it, and not to take it to the bath with her.    Yes, she did!!!!   Snowball would even come to Ally when it was out of its cage. 

So needless to say Snowball was a very close friend. 

I have no idea why but after I tucked Ally into bed I decided to check and see if snowball had water.  Snowball didn't move when I checked the water bottle, which isn't entirely odd.   But anyways I picked up Snowball.  No movement.  Snowball was DEAD!

 The thought that I held a dead hamster didn't sink in until later!
Stay with me! 
So I calmly put her down and walked out. 

Then ran to my husband and told him.  I asked him what to do.  He was no help.  No, really he even said "I am no help on this one!" 

So I made the decision.  I would put him in charge of bed time (HA, Yeah I was desperate!)  and run to the pet store!  I told Ally to go lay down with daddy.  I mean what if she went to say "Goodnight"  and found a dead hamster (yep it was still in the cage!).   I told her I had to run to the store and daddy did not want to be alone  (that will bite me in the butt one day for sure.) 

I went into her room and held again the dead hamster to take a pic.  Now it dawns on me I am holding in my bare hands a dead animal!!!   I put it back in the cage again and run to the bathroom washing my hands.  That didn't feel clean enough.  At this point my paranoid mind can smell dead animal all over me.  I douse myself in hand sanitizer.   I told the kids stay in bed I will be back, and like  a bat out of hell I was out!  I had to hurry they are 25 minutes away and closed in 55 minutes! 

So faster than the Flash I drove to the pet store.  I run in with my phone in hand pic up and say do you have any of these hamsters!!!! They look at the pic and say "Oh what a cute little guy!"  I reply "Well that little guy is dead!  Which is why I am here for another one." 

They did not... I repeat did not have that kind of hamster!!!  Those of you in your right mind are probably wondering why I did not call first!  I realized this right then too! 

So I quickly grabbed a couple things for the other animals (2 dogs, 1 hedgehog and a tortoise) and head home.  All the while I am thinking of how to tell Ally about this! I planned to let her sleep with me and even stay home from school if necessary.  I was ready to be her rock! 

I get home.  NO ONE....Not one child is in bed!!!! I should have known.

So i get the kids to bed and sit Ally down with me and daddy.  I make him start because I am a nervous wreck, but of coarse I don't like where he is headed.  I mean he isn't saying anything i prepared in my head on the drive home!  So I take over.  At first she laughs and thinks we are joking.  Then she gets quiet, pauses, looks at us and asks "Can I get another one?"   We both say "of coarse".   She smiles says "OK!"  Then she hops off the bed and goes to bed. 

We are both sitting there just staring where she was sitting.  What just happened?  I look at him and say "that was oddly and scarily too easy".  He agrees.   Many crazy thoughts cross our minds.  I sit forever like a deer in headlights.  I cannot begin to fathom what just happened. 

After processing I get gloves (prepared this time) and go into her room to remove the hamster.  She being the sane and level headed one is rightly confused at why I left the dead hamster in the cage! A question that I have no answer to. 

She looks at it.  Says "awe poor Snowball" and as I leave the room she asks if we can bury him like Christopher's Gecko.  I tell her yes Daddy will take care of it with her after school tomorrow.

And my Friends that is the death of Snowball the beloved hamster who lived a long and happy life with her best friend Ally!

The Flash

I'm sure you all will know what I am talking about when I say the flash.  You see it in the moment when the day is finally over and you sit down to relax.  The kids are in bed, sleeping you hope!   You can clean or just chill, maybe a little of both.   As you start to think it over and prioritize your evening you wonder about the day.   You glance around the mess in the living room and the kitchen and then it hits you.  "What the heck did I do today?"   It comes back quicker than the flash and its all a blurry mess.   Between feeding 4 little mouths (hundreds of times), cleaning them, and making sure they don't kill themselves or each other the day has already passed by.  It's over in the blink of an eye.  The to do list is still undone and growing.   Then you begin to worry.  In the hustle and bustle of the day what kind of mom were you.  Did you give 100% of your attention to look at those drawings of,  whatever they were?  Did the kids notice your mind was drifting off?  Were you the mother you wanted to be, the mother you needed as a child?  Of coarse the answer is Yes, but you do this to yourself all the time.  The day was full of laughs, crys, and maybe a little yelling, but deep down you know you did your best.  You smile and leave the mess for tomorrow.   You definitely deserve a rest!  Take a bow mamma and enjoy your moment of quiet.  You deserve it as you are the best mom these little munchkins could ever ask for.  

Really me....on my darkest days

So I know and I have known for a while that I am not OK.  I hate that.   I have everything I want and seriously am the luckiest person alive.  So why am I not OK?  I think that makes it all the more worse for me.  I know my husband is amazing.  Don't get me wrong he isn't perfect!  He can irritate me like no other.  He can also make me feel perfect when my mind is telling me I am not.  He is my rock.  My kids are awesome!  They are awesomely, horrible, amazing little monsters!  I love them so much it is crazy!  I get to work from home and set my own hours!   How cool is that?  So many people say to me you do so much, or you are a great mom.  I don't see it.  I can't see it and I don't know why.  I am literally my own worst enemy!

Confessions from my darkness: Some days the kids go to school and I sleep until they come home!  I do!  I feel like a jerk.  I make them go to school.  My husband drives over an hour to work and I slept all day.  I didn't do the laundry, the dishes, or get work done.  I did nothing!  I feel worthless.  I tell him I slept all day.  I am so ashamed and I feel bad.  He says its "OK".  I have no idea what is wrong with him.  But I smile.  My heart feels better for a moment. 

Fast forward its dinner time.  I have no idea what to make.  I didn't plan ahead.  I cannot plan ahead.  I take orders and prepare dinner.  Its a make order kitchen.  My evening is more stressed and I feel worse.  Why wasn't I a good mom and prepared a healthy dinner on time?  Why didn't I make my kids eat whatever I cooked?  My 5 yr old wants peanut butter, Nuttela, but we have no clean spoons.  He says "why didn't you do the dishes?"  It cuts through my heart like a dagger! I say because I didn't feel good.  I really didn't that is why I slept.  But I never feel good lately. 

 Ugh, its bed time and I hate bed time.  No one wants to go to bed and I just want a moment of quiet.   They feel my stress.  They sense my weakness.  I don't have the energy for this.   One kid in bed then up while I'm putting another one in bed.  Things are spiraling out of control.  I blame myself.  They want a story.  Its good to read to kids.  However, its is past bedtime and they need to sleep.  I have no energy for a book.  I don't read.  I feel worse.  I am a bad mom.  How did I get here?  They are finally in bed.  It is quiet.  I sit and relax.  I feel awful.  I think of how the day was supposed to go, and all the things I wanted to do or say.   I wish I could wake them up and hug them and somehow fix it.  I tel myself its alright and tomorrow is a new day.  Every new day is a promise for a new beginning.  I will do better.

So that is really me on my darkest days!  It is painful to admit.  But why?  Why am I so hard on myself?  Why do I need to be perfect?  When will I be enough for me? 

Common Sense!

I can not count how many times I have heard, said, or thought "Don't you have any common sense?"  However,  one thing parenting has taught me is that 'no, there is no such thing as common sense!'  I am so serious on that.  The things I have had to tell my children not to do are insane.  I have said things I never thought I would have to say to a person.  Seriously no joke!  The things you have to tell kids you could have never ever imagined in your wildest dreams! 

For example:  My infant son starts to cry while my daughter is playing so sweetly with him.  The cry isn't a normal hunger cry.  No this is a cry of pain!  So I ask my daughter "What did you do to your brother?"   Her response, "I accidentally bit him?"  I ask "How do you accidentally bite your baby brother?"   She explains, "Well I put his foot in my mouth and he kicked me, so I accidentally bit him!"    Hum... I see!   Now I am thinking why would you put a person in your mouth and why would you need to be told not to put a person in your mouth?  So I calmly tell her that it is inappropriate to put people in our mouths! 

Another example fast forward a few years my 7 year old daughter is in her brothers room yelling and about to do something to get him back.  He is hiding in the kitchen.  So I decide to intervene and stop this before something bad happens.  I ask her what is going on?  She is rightly mad.  Her brother went into her room and apparently rubbed his butt all over many of her belongings.  Thankfully he is 5 and did not think to take his pants off to do this!   Why he did this I have no idea!!!  So I explain to him it is not appropriate to rub our butts on other people or their belongings!  To which he asks "What if I rub my butt on my own things in my room?"   I feel like I am certainly failing somewhere as a parent!  My 11 year old yells before I can respond "Why would you rub your butt on your stuff, gross!"   So I explain that no its not OK to rub your butt on stuff!   I really thought that this conversation was not necessary, but then again parenting 101 no common sense actually exists! 

So I hope you do not need more examples to get my point, but if you do I have TONS more!  Common sense is a myth and there is in fact nothing common about it!