My heart breaks...

My heart would break for you.  Each and every day my heart would break a little as I watched you decline.  As I watched you suffer and wished for nothing but your suffering to end my heart would break.  My heart would break more with impending reality, that the only escape from your suffering was your death.  Still my heart would break for you, and I longed for you to be at peace.  I longed for your suffering to end.  I didn’t want to see you go.  I only wanted your pain to end.  So my heart was torn broken in a mixed up jumble of pieces that made no sense.  The end came and I should take comfort that you are at peace, but still my heart still breaks.  My heart breaks for my father who no longer has his soul mate.  My heart breaks for my brothers, sisters, and me who no longer have a mother. My heart breaks with each and every day that we cannot share something/ anything with you, from the big game to the cute and funny stories. My heart breaks for my kids, niece, and nephew who no longer have a grandmother to spoil them.  My heart breaks for the pain we all now know.  My heart breaks for my children who now know this fear of losing their mother.  With each and every illness that I contract, from a cold to a bee sting the fear of loss haunts them. My heart breaks for the reality of mortality that has crept into our lives.  My heart breaks…

In memory of my loving mother Dana Alexander, who lost her battle with ALS in May.  I miss you mom.  

Confessions of a sick mommy!

So to say I am having a rough day is kind of an understatement!  I woke up all throughout the night either freezing or feeling so hot that, I swear my blankets were burning my skin.  Not to mention the horrific cough that hurts my abbs so bad that it could be considered exercise!  No kidding! My body feels like I was hit by a truck or maybe a bus.  I can't breath or smell, thank goodness for the smell part!  I'm sure the sweating last night doesn't make for a spring fresh smell in the morning.

I got up and did the best I could to get the kids to school.  Thank goodness they were all angels this morning!  I know that in itself is a miracle.  I should have known nothing good was going to follow.  I called off work!  I don't want to share my germs, and I am positive they don't want them either.  I cancelled my dentist appointment.  I prepared to rest.

I set up my 4 year old and went to lay down.  HA HA HA!  Surprise, crazy drama going on and your working from home today!  I should explain, I often work from home.  That was quick and easy!  I am very blessed with that luxury.  So I spend my morning miserable working from home, taking care of my 4 year old, and puppy.  Nothing abnormal there except did I fail to mention I feel like death!

Finally, I can relax.  It is 1:00 pm!  The day is over half done.  Relax!  What the heck is that?  The world had other plans and I might as well give in.  So I decide forget it.  I'm up and I need shower BAD!

So I tell my 4 year old I am stinky and going to take a shower, and he must be good.  He thinks he needs a bath because he is stinky too.  Never mind he already had a bath today!  Oh, NO!   FYI, a 4 year old cannot take a bath while mommy showers and no one else is home!  I am sure you didn't need me to explain that but I'm a talker.   So after a lengthy argument with my 4 year old.  And, Yes, I am the parent.  And for those of you who just thought that, you don't have kids do you?  Or its been a long time since yours was 4!

So yes after a lengthy argument with my 4 year old.  I said this "If you don't sit down and watch Paw Patrol while I shower I will spank your butt!"  Now for those of you grabbing the phone to report this abuse, hold on.  I would never never never spank my child for not watching TV!  That is insane!  But he doesn't know that does he???   In fact there are very few occasions I would spank my child for.

Was it right?  Was it wrong?  Doesn't matter!  Bottom line mommy needed a shower! For a number of reasons. One, I am pretty sure I was very very stinky and two I was hoping and praying it would help me feel better.

So I took my shower and YAY! He stayed on the couch watching tv. Or at least I think he did.  He was there when I went into the shower and there when I got out!  LOL

So all in all a success! 

Yes, I am alive!

I haven't posted in so long.  I feel like a long lost relative in for an awkward visit.  I don't know where to begin.  Life is crazy.  Oh, so crazy!  My mom was diagnosed with ALS in 2012.  Life has kinda spiraled out of control then taken on some crazy kind of normalcy.  It's has been an emotional journey to say the least.  I home schooled the kids last year.  That was fun.  We bought our first ever home.  That was stressful!  The kids are in a great school.  My mom is not doing well, but she is hanging in there.  I have learned to take it slow.  Or at least I know I should and I am trying to do that.  It is hard with 4 kids!  Nothing is slow in a home with 4 kids.  Thaddeus is 3.  Ally 5, Christopher 8 and Evie 9!  Evie had Lyme disease last year!  That was rough.  We hope no lasting effects remain.  That's for another post I guess.  LONG story!  Christopher is still having troubles.  Another LONG story!  Ally has her own problems too! LOL  The only one without a long story is my youngest.  And he's just such a lil sweet heart that in itself is another long story!   We are definitely full of drama in this house!  But the point is I am still here.  Taking one day at a time.  Trying my best at this parenting thing.  Some days I feel like a horrific failure and other days I think "Wow I'm rocking at this"  Well there aren't a lot of those kinda days.  But many days that I'm ok with! I have learned one major lesson in all this.  I am the luckiest lady on the planet!  I am truly blessed.  My kids are a major pain some days but everyday they are amazing!  They show me so much and teach me more than I ever thought possible.  And yeah I make tons of mistakes, but that is ok too!  My husband is irritating sometimes, but other times he is of the charts awesome!  I thank God for him!  My mom is sick but she is still here and it has brought our close family together even more.  My brothers and sisters are frustrating to say the least, but they are also the best a girl could ask for.  I love my life and am so grateful for everything God has provided.  So Yes, I am alive and kicking!