You're just emotional!

 I want to take some time and talk about something that I feel is not talked about enough.  Mental abuse is nothing to be ashamed of, and very real.  I often have been told I am irrational or overly emotional.  In many senses I am, but I also spend so much time shut down and isolating myself.  Living life hidden inside my head because it is the only safe place. 

Unlike physical abuse where the evidence is completely visible and harder to hide mental abuse is an entirely different monster.  Mental abuse can leave you feeling like you are the crazy one.  Your abuser will make you feel like it is your fault for overreacting.  Or they "Just cannot joke with you."  Or maybe you are just too emotional.  

Mental abuse takes away everything that is you.  You are left doubting yourself.  You doubt your sanity.  You question your reality.  Am I overreacting?  Are my feelings valid?  Am I crazy?  Why can't I just take a joke?  What is wrong with me?  

There is no physical bruise to show a friend or someone to ask for help.  You don't know how to even explain it.  How can you put that into words?  What are the right words for this?  How do you explain the feeling of being reduced to nothing and made to feel like it is all your fault.  What did you even do wrong?  

You frantically search for the answers and try not to make the same mistake again and again.  Maybe this time I will get it right.  If I am perfect, If I play my part just right then everything will be ok!  But it is never ok.  There is always something wrong.  

You completely lose yourself.  You lose everything about you.  You live in survival mode.  Constantly trying to fix yourself because you believe that you are the problem.  

You become depressed and isolated.  You believe that you are worth nothing because you caused all this.  You have completely lost all sense of self.  

Your personality and values have been hijacked by your flight or fight reflexes.  You can't even live in the moment because you must constantly remain vigilant.  Always preparing for the future.  Trying to be perfect. 

You hold yourself to an absurd standard of perfection. Even though you know it is unobtainable. Ironically, you forgive your abuser for everything. After all its not his/her fault that you ruin everything.  You hate yourself for what you have become, and you have no idea what to do.  

Your trapped because how do you explain this.  What words can describe this to someone else?  And if you try to explain, will they think you are crazy too?  Will they judge you and hate you too?  Will they agree and confirm your worse fears, that you are the problem.  

This is something you just cannot bring yourself to face. So, you suffer in silence.  You keep these thoughts and fears inside your head.  You feel rooms and rooms in your mind with things left unsaid.  Afraid of being a burden.  Afraid of everything so you just sit in silence, and think to yourself, "I'm just emotional!" 

This pain is real.  Your pain is real.  You are not the problem.  You are not worthless.  You are not just emotional.  You are not irrational.  You can take a joke that is an actual joke!   

Your thoughts and your feelings are valid.

Your thoughts and your feelings do matter! 

You matter. 

The first step towards healing is realizing this and accepting it.  I know better said that done.  Everything in you will fight this.  You have been broken down and conditioned to believe that you are the problem.  Your very core with fight you on this idea.  

But you will take that first step towards healing.  You will open up and talk to someone.  You have to because your survival depends upon it.  Life isn't meant to be this way.  You deserve happiness, everyone does.  

When you open up and start talking, you will hear the words coming out of your mouth. It will sound so foreign and crazy.  So much so that even though you were there, and you know this is the truth it will feel like lies.  It will feel so absurd. People will look at you and some will sympathize others will judge.  They will ask you "Why?"  "Why did you allow this?"  Why did you accept/tolerate this?

You won't know what to say.   There is no answer to that for anyone.  The answer won't make sense to them, and it hurts you that they don't understand. At the same time, you are happy they don't understand.  You don't wish this pain on anyone. 

This is your story and your journey.  You were lost and this is the road to finding yourself. 

Because even if you are emotional- your emotions are valid. 

Who am I?

 I have always wanted to be a mom.  Every child changes what they want to be over time, and I was no exception. However, the one constant was that I always wanted to be a mom.  I imagined a big house and huge yard with tons of kids. I never imagined my life turning out like this, but then I guess no one really ever does.  

I have 4 amazing kids.  I am not complaining about being their mom.  This is literally the best job I could have ever asked for. However, somewhere along the way I lost what it means to be me.  I don't know who or what I am any more.  Amidst the many titles that a mom takes on I don't know the role that I play as a person anymore.  It hit me like a train every time someone asked me, "What do you do in your spare time?"  Well, I honestly didn't even know what spare time they were talking about either.  But it clued me in that something was wrong.  

Where had I gone wrong?  I'm a great mother.  I adore my kids. I was happy as a mother, but not complete.  I was lost because I had no idea who I was as a person. Take away my kids and I had no identity.  In fact, my kids had become my security blanket to my anxiety and my excuse to everything.  If I wasn't sure about an event, then no problem my kids always provided an excuse to escape.  If I felt uncomfortable at a social gathering my kids were the necessary, refuge I could hide behind. 

So now I begin my search who am I?  Not as a mother but as a person.  What do I like to do in my spare time?  

My depression

Many people suffer from depression.  I think my depression has gotten harder for me as a mom.  My anxiety is worse, after all pieces of my heart are out walking around and I cannot protect them from everything.  Mom guilt is so real and overwhelming at times.  For me my depression is like this:  when things are fine I will describe it as walking down a sunny path.  It is warm, comfortable,  and welcoming.

Then why would I want to leave this path?  Good question!  I don't want to, but I can't help it.  You must understand it is never intentional.  It starts small with a negative thought.  Just one thought maybe I didn't do something that I feel I should have.  This is a big one for me.  This one negative thought is a step off the path.  But the reality is negative thoughts always come in pairs.

Each negative thought leads to another.  I call this falling down the rabbit hole.  You feel it, but you are powerless to stop it.  The voices in your head call on all your deepest fears and push you further into darkness.  You've now fallen so far you can no longer see the warm path you started on.

Life gets really tough at this point.  It is hard to function in darkness.  Here life becomes a double edged sword.  You try to balance it.  Depression is a relentless demon thou.  The negative thoughts weigh you down.  You become tired.  Each day is harder and harder to complete the simplest of tasks.  So things get forgotten or put on hold.  Then the guilt kicks in for forgetting and procrastinating.

"You forgot your son's glasses this morning."  "You forgot your child's medication."  "You must be the worst mother in the world!"  The hits just keep coming.  Each another step into darkness and despair.

Eventually you find yourself on the edge of a cliff.  The darkness, despair, loneliness, and pain of depression call for you to do the unthinkable.  Your frozen here.  You don't want the pain anymore.  You don't want to suffer and you can't see your way back to the light.

The demons inside have lead you to a place that no one should go.  Those who have not been there do not understand.  They can not.

The bright side is you don't have to stay there.  I don't know why we (moms) are always so hard on ourselves. I often find myself telling people "oh I'm just a mom!"  That right there is part of the problem.  There is no "just a mom"!  We don't give ourselves credit where it is due! But we sure beat ourselves up when things don't go right! 

While I don't have all the answers and I know I will never stop setting unrealistic expectations for myself I do have a little advice.  We all know we need time for ourselves.  We know that self-care is important.  But when your in a dark place even basic tasks are hard.  You muster enough of yourself to take care of your children and there isn't anything left for you.  It is hard I know and your not alone.

My advice is do one thing!  Just one thing.  No matter what it is.  Take a shower.  Go for a walk.  Clean your room. Just one thing.  Do that thing and feel good about it.  Allow yourself that.

If things get to bad then seek help.  There is nothing wrong with getting help.  Depression and anxiety are real and nothing to be ashamed of. 

Remember tomorrow is a new day! 

I am alice

I look just like you.  On the outside everything appears to be just fine.  I laugh.  I smile.   No one would ever know the secrets that I hide.  I can't let anyone in.  I can't place that burden on you.   So, I carry on.  I laugh.  I smile.  I joke.  I make a quick trip to the bathroom to hide the tears; that some how are escaping.  I hate that I am not happy.  This makes it so much worse.  Why can't I just laugh and smile without this horrible curse.  I cry for a bit then wipe the tears away.   I can't let you see me cry.  I won't.

I don't think you would understand.  How can someone like me be so sad.  Honestly, I don't even know.  I hate myself for feeling this way.  I wonder when will I be enough.  When will enough be enough.  I wish this darkness would just go away.  I want to really laugh and smile at you today.

I look just like you.  I laugh.  I smile.  The darkness I hide deep down inside haunts my every moment.  I keep it hidden.  I wait for better days.  I feel everything and nothing.  I can't let you in.  I wipe away the tears.  No one will ever know the secrets that I hide.

I am Alice and I am falling down down the rabbit hole into the abyss. 

In to Darkness

It starts out slow and completely takes over.  First it is small and barely noticeable.  You feel the tightness, the gentle little squeeze around your chest.  It doesn't go away.  Your heart is in invisible hands and they are unforgiving.  The pain is bearable so you go on.  Then it hits the pit of your stomach.  Slight nausea at first. But the pain is real.  Your stomach takes over it aches and throbs.  Now you don't know which is worse the chest pain or your stomach.  You just want to throw up.  It doesn't let up.  You want to cry.  You don't know what to do.  How did you get here.  How did you become this fragile little mess.   The tears start to flow as you think, "how can I possibly go on?"  Your thoughts race to what could be, what should be.  You just don't want to think.   You hate yourself for feeling this way.   Now you just want the pain to end.  It's all so real and you don't know what to do.  Again you think "how can I possibly go on?"

Suddenly you stop.  You wipe those tears from your eyes.  You must go on and you know it.  You find your strength and muster up your courage.  Your eyes burn from the sting of your tears.   Your chest still feels the tight squeeze.  Your stomach is still tied up in knots.  You feel like you might vomit, but you know you will not.   There are things to do and you know what must be done.  You found your strength and you go on.  You carry this burden this horrible pain.  You hide it with a smile and fake that everything is fine.  You do your best to suffer silently.  It shows through thou in little glimpses.  Lucky for you most people don't notice.  You're always on the verge of tears.  You bite your lip, and hold it in. 

Your sadness comes out in anger and frustration.  You hurt those you love and that makes it so much harder.  You push them away when you need them most.  But you know this pain.  It is familiar because it has been here before.  This pain is unbearable.  You choose to suffer alone.   But you are not alone.   I know your fears and I feel your pain.  I want you to know it is alright.  Hold on to something and hold it tight; because tomorrow is another day.  

Parenting Is Hard

Parenting is hard.  No matter how you look at it or what you do Parenting is the hardest job you will ever have.  Every parent is faced with his or her own unique challenges and no two kids are alike.  The hardest thing about parenting for me is my mistakes.   I know everyone makes mistakes.  It is when those mistakes build up and I can't let go of them.   Then I am left feeling like the worst mother in the world.

   We have all been there.  Your in the car with a headache and the kids are just being kids, but they are LOUD.  You kindly ask nicely for them to quiet down, but nope.   Then eventually you lose your shit!  Excuse my language, but there really is no other way to describe it.  You basically have a full on adult tantrum.  It is not pretty.  This leaves me emotionally empty and embarrassed of my behavior.  

 Later,  my son has a meltdown.  I do not react appropriately.   We are in public and instead of worrying about him and his needs I get caught up in everyone staring.  Most days I am good at ignoring the looks!  However, today for some reason I am insecure and feel the pressure to parent in a way that,  well is not my way.  I do what I think is expected of me.  I put my foot down.  I will not stand for this behavior.  It gets worse!!!  He isn't giving me a hard time, because he is having a hard time.  My heart breaks into a million pieces.  

The next day we have to hurry we have a million things to do.  I did not give myself enough time, nor did I allow time for any thing unexpected.  We all know that's not going to end well.  One child can't find a shoe,  another child isn't dressed,  two kids are playing video games and ignoring me.  I keep saying get your stuff! Bring some toys, snacks....  No one listens....  We are late!  I lose my shit!!!

I can go on and on about my daily mistakes.  We all have been there done that.  So why does it bother me so?  Why do they mount up and crush me like a ton of bricks?   Usually I can apologize to my kids and explain to them why I lost it.   

I hope to show them I am not perfect.  I hope to show them that I am not right all the time, and no matter what they deserve to be treated with respect.  I hope to build in them self confidence to demand respect from others, but empathy as well.  I hope they understand, and can apologize for their mistakes as well.  But most of all I wish I didn't make so many mistakes.  I wish the days could be full of laughter, but that isn't real life is it.  

So even though I am not perfect I am human.  I learn to forgive myself, and start tomorrow new! So maybe tonight I go to bed feeling like a horrible mom, but the truth is I am an amazing mom.  

expectations vs reality

I gotta be honest with you all.  I always wanted to be a mom.  Seriously for as long as I can remember.  I have always been good with kids and started babysitting when I was really young.  I thought I knew it all, or at least some!  However, being a mom is completely different from what I expected it to be.  I thought all sun shine and rainbows, but reality is snot, poop, and unknown substances smeared on the sun shine and rainbows.  Don't get me wrong I love it.  I am just shocked at how completely different it is from what I expected. 

So why is that?  Why is the reality of parenting such a shocker?  It is like some big club secret that has been locked away, and only when you have kids do you get access to the keys.  Parenting really is a club all of its own.  You can talk to any parent, even if you don't like each other, about parenting and understand each other.  You don't have to agree, but you will get that "oh man I feel ya" We know because we have lived it.  If your not a parent you think whats the big deal my nieces and nephews stay over all the time!  Trust me I thought the same thing.  See you get the part time deal that way; and it is all sun shine and rainbows.  You don't get to know the dark side of parenting. 

Yes, I said it; the dark side! You have probably noticed especially with the use of social media today most people don't talk about the dark side.  You are constantly bombarded with images worthy of pinterest and finding you fall short.  Because no one wants to pin or post about the dark side.  How can we as parents help each other if we all pretend that this elephant isn't in the room thou?  How can we help prepare future parents for the reality of parenthood? 

 Parenting is tough.  You want to raise an intelligent, kind, compassionate, human being that isn't a door mat or a bully.  You want them to be confident yet humble.  Well I can go on and on.  Then there are parenting books and philosophies up the BUTT!   Yes you will be drowning in them.  Many contradict each other, so which is correct?  You also are stuck with the way your parents raised you.  Plus, everyone and I mean everyone will have advice for how you should do literally everything!  No joke! 

So you bring home this amazing bundle of joy and are expecting sun shine and rainbows, but what are you supposed to do when reality doesn't match your expectations.  The reality of parenting can make you feel overwhelmed, scared, and alone.   Where do you turn now?  If you don't know, don't worry I didn't either.  I felt and still do at times that feeling this way isn't ok, and it some how makes me a bad mother.  This is why we need to talk more about these dark days.  We need to openly allow each other to share without judgement.  So when expectations and reality collide we know its ok!  Don't give advice here, but encouragement.  Acceptance.  Hugs.  Reassurance. 

This was the beginning of my postpartum depression journey.  When my expectations of how, who, and what parenting was supposed to be met the reality of how parenting really is. 

Flying with kids!

As you can see I have 4 kids!  Four very active, loud, opinionated, passionate, wild, active, fun loving kids!  You can also see my main picture above is us at an airport! Yes,  I crammed my kiddos into an air plane, and No I am not crazy.  Or at least I don't think I am.  However, I did do lots and lots of prep work before the flight.  My kids had never flown before so that helped to.  I also want to make it  known that I had not flown since 2000!  Yes, it has been a while, and while some things never change some changed A LOT!  I researched all the new rules with flying.

So my first step was I found the cheapest tickets I could find!  Seriously, with 6 of us flying the cheapest way to go was the only way to go.  I found great round trip tickets from Spirit airlines.  I quickly learned that flying these days is very different.  You now pay for everything!  Carry on and checked bags, extra fee.  You all want to sit together, then you need to pick your seats, extra fee!  Even with this these still were the cheapest seats! 

But what about the kids.  I did not want my kids to be the screaming, yelling, crying, kids that we see videos of on Facebook where rude strangers posted complaining about them.   So I planned ahead.  I went to 5 below.  Each kid got a brand new back pack.  Some small games Hungry hippos, clue, connect four, and uno.  They each received a pack of gum, fidget spinner, and fidget stick.  I bought them each a pencil case, markers, crayons, colored pencils, and a notebook (these I bought when school supplies were on sale)!   I went to the dollar store and bought them each a couple small things squishy light up animals small fidgets.  I made sure their ipads were charged and packed those as well. Each got new headphones.  All these things I wrapped up as presents and gave them the day before the trip!  They were so excited.  Also, they did not need any of their electronics on the flight, other than taking some pics with them!

My 5 and 7 yr old each brought a stuffed animal and special blanket. I packed an extra outfit for everyone in the bags as well, even myself in my own bag and my husband.  You can never be to prepared! 

Airline food is super expensive!  Find out the rules on snacks and drinks and bring SNACKS! Do not forget yourself also!  You will get hungry too!

We arrived early enough to get through security.  Make sure you wear shoes that are easy on and easy off!   The kids did not have to remove theirs.  So I am not sure what age that starts.  Also dress comfortable.  I let my 7 yr old wear her pajamas. 

We had a great experience, and would definitely fly again! 

Ironically my kids did not disturb any one.  However my 10 year old was terrorized by the small children that sat behind us!   He said he would only fly again if no kids were by him!  They did get pretty bored. 

The death of snowball

So yesterday was a super fun day!  I will tell you all about it later, but first the death of snowball. 

Snowball was my 7 year old daughters hamster.  We had her for about 2 years.  Which I now know is a long time for a hamster.  Ally loved this hamster!  She had to be told not to take it to bed with her, not to share her food with it, and not to take it to the bath with her.    Yes, she did!!!!   Snowball would even come to Ally when it was out of its cage. 

So needless to say Snowball was a very close friend. 

I have no idea why but after I tucked Ally into bed I decided to check and see if snowball had water.  Snowball didn't move when I checked the water bottle, which isn't entirely odd.   But anyways I picked up Snowball.  No movement.  Snowball was DEAD!

 The thought that I held a dead hamster didn't sink in until later!
Stay with me! 
So I calmly put her down and walked out. 

Then ran to my husband and told him.  I asked him what to do.  He was no help.  No, really he even said "I am no help on this one!" 

So I made the decision.  I would put him in charge of bed time (HA, Yeah I was desperate!)  and run to the pet store!  I told Ally to go lay down with daddy.  I mean what if she went to say "Goodnight"  and found a dead hamster (yep it was still in the cage!).   I told her I had to run to the store and daddy did not want to be alone  (that will bite me in the butt one day for sure.) 

I went into her room and held again the dead hamster to take a pic.  Now it dawns on me I am holding in my bare hands a dead animal!!!   I put it back in the cage again and run to the bathroom washing my hands.  That didn't feel clean enough.  At this point my paranoid mind can smell dead animal all over me.  I douse myself in hand sanitizer.   I told the kids stay in bed I will be back, and like  a bat out of hell I was out!  I had to hurry they are 25 minutes away and closed in 55 minutes! 

So faster than the Flash I drove to the pet store.  I run in with my phone in hand pic up and say do you have any of these hamsters!!!! They look at the pic and say "Oh what a cute little guy!"  I reply "Well that little guy is dead!  Which is why I am here for another one." 

They did not... I repeat did not have that kind of hamster!!!  Those of you in your right mind are probably wondering why I did not call first!  I realized this right then too! 

So I quickly grabbed a couple things for the other animals (2 dogs, 1 hedgehog and a tortoise) and head home.  All the while I am thinking of how to tell Ally about this! I planned to let her sleep with me and even stay home from school if necessary.  I was ready to be her rock! 

I get home.  NO ONE....Not one child is in bed!!!! I should have known.

So i get the kids to bed and sit Ally down with me and daddy.  I make him start because I am a nervous wreck, but of coarse I don't like where he is headed.  I mean he isn't saying anything i prepared in my head on the drive home!  So I take over.  At first she laughs and thinks we are joking.  Then she gets quiet, pauses, looks at us and asks "Can I get another one?"   We both say "of coarse".   She smiles says "OK!"  Then she hops off the bed and goes to bed. 

We are both sitting there just staring where she was sitting.  What just happened?  I look at him and say "that was oddly and scarily too easy".  He agrees.   Many crazy thoughts cross our minds.  I sit forever like a deer in headlights.  I cannot begin to fathom what just happened. 

After processing I get gloves (prepared this time) and go into her room to remove the hamster.  She being the sane and level headed one is rightly confused at why I left the dead hamster in the cage! A question that I have no answer to. 

She looks at it.  Says "awe poor Snowball" and as I leave the room she asks if we can bury him like Christopher's Gecko.  I tell her yes Daddy will take care of it with her after school tomorrow.

And my Friends that is the death of Snowball the beloved hamster who lived a long and happy life with her best friend Ally!

The Flash

I'm sure you all will know what I am talking about when I say the flash.  You see it in the moment when the day is finally over and you sit down to relax.  The kids are in bed, sleeping you hope!   You can clean or just chill, maybe a little of both.   As you start to think it over and prioritize your evening you wonder about the day.   You glance around the mess in the living room and the kitchen and then it hits you.  "What the heck did I do today?"   It comes back quicker than the flash and its all a blurry mess.   Between feeding 4 little mouths (hundreds of times), cleaning them, and making sure they don't kill themselves or each other the day has already passed by.  It's over in the blink of an eye.  The to do list is still undone and growing.   Then you begin to worry.  In the hustle and bustle of the day what kind of mom were you.  Did you give 100% of your attention to look at those drawings of,  whatever they were?  Did the kids notice your mind was drifting off?  Were you the mother you wanted to be, the mother you needed as a child?  Of coarse the answer is Yes, but you do this to yourself all the time.  The day was full of laughs, crys, and maybe a little yelling, but deep down you know you did your best.  You smile and leave the mess for tomorrow.   You definitely deserve a rest!  Take a bow mamma and enjoy your moment of quiet.  You deserve it as you are the best mom these little munchkins could ever ask for.  

Really me....on my darkest days

So I know and I have known for a while that I am not OK.  I hate that.   I have everything I want and seriously am the luckiest person alive.  So why am I not OK?  I think that makes it all the more worse for me.  I know my husband is amazing.  Don't get me wrong he isn't perfect!  He can irritate me like no other.  He can also make me feel perfect when my mind is telling me I am not.  He is my rock.  My kids are awesome!  They are awesomely, horrible, amazing little monsters!  I love them so much it is crazy!  I get to work from home and set my own hours!   How cool is that?  So many people say to me you do so much, or you are a great mom.  I don't see it.  I can't see it and I don't know why.  I am literally my own worst enemy!

Confessions from my darkness: Some days the kids go to school and I sleep until they come home!  I do!  I feel like a jerk.  I make them go to school.  My husband drives over an hour to work and I slept all day.  I didn't do the laundry, the dishes, or get work done.  I did nothing!  I feel worthless.  I tell him I slept all day.  I am so ashamed and I feel bad.  He says its "OK".  I have no idea what is wrong with him.  But I smile.  My heart feels better for a moment. 

Fast forward its dinner time.  I have no idea what to make.  I didn't plan ahead.  I cannot plan ahead.  I take orders and prepare dinner.  Its a make order kitchen.  My evening is more stressed and I feel worse.  Why wasn't I a good mom and prepared a healthy dinner on time?  Why didn't I make my kids eat whatever I cooked?  My 5 yr old wants peanut butter, Nuttela, but we have no clean spoons.  He says "why didn't you do the dishes?"  It cuts through my heart like a dagger! I say because I didn't feel good.  I really didn't that is why I slept.  But I never feel good lately. 

 Ugh, its bed time and I hate bed time.  No one wants to go to bed and I just want a moment of quiet.   They feel my stress.  They sense my weakness.  I don't have the energy for this.   One kid in bed then up while I'm putting another one in bed.  Things are spiraling out of control.  I blame myself.  They want a story.  Its good to read to kids.  However, its is past bedtime and they need to sleep.  I have no energy for a book.  I don't read.  I feel worse.  I am a bad mom.  How did I get here?  They are finally in bed.  It is quiet.  I sit and relax.  I feel awful.  I think of how the day was supposed to go, and all the things I wanted to do or say.   I wish I could wake them up and hug them and somehow fix it.  I tel myself its alright and tomorrow is a new day.  Every new day is a promise for a new beginning.  I will do better.

So that is really me on my darkest days!  It is painful to admit.  But why?  Why am I so hard on myself?  Why do I need to be perfect?  When will I be enough for me? 

Common Sense!

I can not count how many times I have heard, said, or thought "Don't you have any common sense?"  However,  one thing parenting has taught me is that 'no, there is no such thing as common sense!'  I am so serious on that.  The things I have had to tell my children not to do are insane.  I have said things I never thought I would have to say to a person.  Seriously no joke!  The things you have to tell kids you could have never ever imagined in your wildest dreams! 

For example:  My infant son starts to cry while my daughter is playing so sweetly with him.  The cry isn't a normal hunger cry.  No this is a cry of pain!  So I ask my daughter "What did you do to your brother?"   Her response, "I accidentally bit him?"  I ask "How do you accidentally bite your baby brother?"   She explains, "Well I put his foot in my mouth and he kicked me, so I accidentally bit him!"    Hum... I see!   Now I am thinking why would you put a person in your mouth and why would you need to be told not to put a person in your mouth?  So I calmly tell her that it is inappropriate to put people in our mouths! 

Another example fast forward a few years my 7 year old daughter is in her brothers room yelling and about to do something to get him back.  He is hiding in the kitchen.  So I decide to intervene and stop this before something bad happens.  I ask her what is going on?  She is rightly mad.  Her brother went into her room and apparently rubbed his butt all over many of her belongings.  Thankfully he is 5 and did not think to take his pants off to do this!   Why he did this I have no idea!!!  So I explain to him it is not appropriate to rub our butts on other people or their belongings!  To which he asks "What if I rub my butt on my own things in my room?"   I feel like I am certainly failing somewhere as a parent!  My 11 year old yells before I can respond "Why would you rub your butt on your stuff, gross!"   So I explain that no its not OK to rub your butt on stuff!   I really thought that this conversation was not necessary, but then again parenting 101 no common sense actually exists! 

So I hope you do not need more examples to get my point, but if you do I have TONS more!  Common sense is a myth and there is in fact nothing common about it!  

Who am I?

One thing I know for certain is that there is nothing I wanted more in the world; than to grow up and become a mother.  I always imagined myself having many children.  I knew if I couldn't have children I would adopt.  I often imagined doing both.  I imagined a huge house full of children.  Life changes many things for us all, but nothing has ever changed my desire to be a mom.  I am so blessed to have my four children. Granted giving birth to four kids has changed my desire to give birth to more children! lol

I remember the day each one of my kids was born like it was yesterday.  I can't believe how much time has gone by from my first born until now.  We get swept away so quickly in life, and the days go by in a blink of an eye.  My ideas of motherhood were quickly challenged from what I expected and what the actual reality is.

 I will admit parenting is A LOT harder than I thought it would be.  While the bad was much worse than I thought it would be, the good was also so much more than I ever imagined!  Because I had wanted so badly to be a mother I also desired to be nothing less than a perfect mother.  So I quickly began trying to be that perfect mother.  I read all the parenting magazines.  I tried to do everything right.  I quickly discovered many painful truths.  I do not know all the answers, but that's ok because no one does.  I can ask for help and still be a great mother.  I can mess up big time and still be a great mother!

However, the hardest thing for me in my desire to be a perfect mother was finding time for myself.  I have been asked many times what my hobbies are?  I have no idea.  I guess cooking, cleaning, playing with play-dough, or legos, or whatever the kids are into! Then I realized I have no hobbies.  I have no idea what I like to do.  As my kids are getting older I am having suddenly free time!  I know it free time!  But what am I supposed to do now!

I thought being there for my kids 24 hours a day 7 days a week was important.  Yes it is still important, but guess what they will be fine if I am not there!   That was a shocker.  Shocked me to the core.  You mean someone else can pour their milk in their favorite sippy?  I remember the first time I went to a movie and left the kids with a sitter.  I seriously had so much anxiety I felt like I was going to pass out!

While being a mom was and is my greatest accomplishment it also resulted in a tragedy I let happen.  I completely lost myself.  I quickly had nothing to talk about with friends and even my husband if it was not about the kids!  I know I am that friend that everyone can't stand, with hundreds of kid pics on facebook and story after story of everything and anything the kids did!  I'm still that mom. lol

We all to often define ourselves by our labels. While I LOVE my label of MOM and I wouldn't change a thing.  I need to find out who I am when the name tag isn't on. 

My heart breaks...

My heart would break for you.  Each and every day my heart would break a little as I watched you decline.  As I watched you suffer and wished for nothing but your suffering to end my heart would break.  My heart would break more with impending reality, that the only escape from your suffering was your death.  Still my heart would break for you, and I longed for you to be at peace.  I longed for your suffering to end.  I didn’t want to see you go.  I only wanted your pain to end.  So my heart was torn broken in a mixed up jumble of pieces that made no sense.  The end came and I should take comfort that you are at peace, but still my heart still breaks.  My heart breaks for my father who no longer has his soul mate.  My heart breaks for my brothers, sisters, and me who no longer have a mother. My heart breaks with each and every day that we cannot share something/ anything with you, from the big game to the cute and funny stories. My heart breaks for my kids, niece, and nephew who no longer have a grandmother to spoil them.  My heart breaks for the pain we all now know.  My heart breaks for my children who now know this fear of losing their mother.  With each and every illness that I contract, from a cold to a bee sting the fear of loss haunts them. My heart breaks for the reality of mortality that has crept into our lives.  My heart breaks…

In memory of my loving mother Dana Alexander, who lost her battle with ALS in May.  I miss you mom.  

Confessions of a sick mommy!

So to say I am having a rough day is kind of an understatement!  I woke up all throughout the night either freezing or feeling so hot that, I swear my blankets were burning my skin.  Not to mention the horrific cough that hurts my abbs so bad that it could be considered exercise!  No kidding! My body feels like I was hit by a truck or maybe a bus.  I can't breath or smell, thank goodness for the smell part!  I'm sure the sweating last night doesn't make for a spring fresh smell in the morning.

I got up and did the best I could to get the kids to school.  Thank goodness they were all angels this morning!  I know that in itself is a miracle.  I should have known nothing good was going to follow.  I called off work!  I don't want to share my germs, and I am positive they don't want them either.  I cancelled my dentist appointment.  I prepared to rest.

I set up my 4 year old and went to lay down.  HA HA HA!  Surprise, crazy drama going on and your working from home today!  I should explain, I often work from home.  That was quick and easy!  I am very blessed with that luxury.  So I spend my morning miserable working from home, taking care of my 4 year old, and puppy.  Nothing abnormal there except did I fail to mention I feel like death!

Finally, I can relax.  It is 1:00 pm!  The day is over half done.  Relax!  What the heck is that?  The world had other plans and I might as well give in.  So I decide forget it.  I'm up and I need shower BAD!

So I tell my 4 year old I am stinky and going to take a shower, and he must be good.  He thinks he needs a bath because he is stinky too.  Never mind he already had a bath today!  Oh, NO!   FYI, a 4 year old cannot take a bath while mommy showers and no one else is home!  I am sure you didn't need me to explain that but I'm a talker.   So after a lengthy argument with my 4 year old.  And, Yes, I am the parent.  And for those of you who just thought that, you don't have kids do you?  Or its been a long time since yours was 4!

So yes after a lengthy argument with my 4 year old.  I said this "If you don't sit down and watch Paw Patrol while I shower I will spank your butt!"  Now for those of you grabbing the phone to report this abuse, hold on.  I would never never never spank my child for not watching TV!  That is insane!  But he doesn't know that does he???   In fact there are very few occasions I would spank my child for.

Was it right?  Was it wrong?  Doesn't matter!  Bottom line mommy needed a shower! For a number of reasons. One, I am pretty sure I was very very stinky and two I was hoping and praying it would help me feel better.

So I took my shower and YAY! He stayed on the couch watching tv. Or at least I think he did.  He was there when I went into the shower and there when I got out!  LOL

So all in all a success! 

Yes, I am alive!

I haven't posted in so long.  I feel like a long lost relative in for an awkward visit.  I don't know where to begin.  Life is crazy.  Oh, so crazy!  My mom was diagnosed with ALS in 2012.  Life has kinda spiraled out of control then taken on some crazy kind of normalcy.  It's has been an emotional journey to say the least.  I home schooled the kids last year.  That was fun.  We bought our first ever home.  That was stressful!  The kids are in a great school.  My mom is not doing well, but she is hanging in there.  I have learned to take it slow.  Or at least I know I should and I am trying to do that.  It is hard with 4 kids!  Nothing is slow in a home with 4 kids.  Thaddeus is 3.  Ally 5, Christopher 8 and Evie 9!  Evie had Lyme disease last year!  That was rough.  We hope no lasting effects remain.  That's for another post I guess.  LONG story!  Christopher is still having troubles.  Another LONG story!  Ally has her own problems too! LOL  The only one without a long story is my youngest.  And he's just such a lil sweet heart that in itself is another long story!   We are definitely full of drama in this house!  But the point is I am still here.  Taking one day at a time.  Trying my best at this parenting thing.  Some days I feel like a horrific failure and other days I think "Wow I'm rocking at this"  Well there aren't a lot of those kinda days.  But many days that I'm ok with! I have learned one major lesson in all this.  I am the luckiest lady on the planet!  I am truly blessed.  My kids are a major pain some days but everyday they are amazing!  They show me so much and teach me more than I ever thought possible.  And yeah I make tons of mistakes, but that is ok too!  My husband is irritating sometimes, but other times he is of the charts awesome!  I thank God for him!  My mom is sick but she is still here and it has brought our close family together even more.  My brothers and sisters are frustrating to say the least, but they are also the best a girl could ask for.  I love my life and am so grateful for everything God has provided.  So Yes, I am alive and kicking!  

Lazy mom

Some days nothing gets done.  At the end of the day I sit and think, trying to figure out where the day went.  I usually have no idea.  It has ended, and nothing was accomplished.   I am greatful we are all alive and well, but I cant help feeling lazy.  When I tell my friends they always blame it on the kids.  I have my kids every day. They're  mine! So why are some days non productive and others not....I must be lazy, sometimes.  Or at least it feels that way to me.  Granted chasing a 6,5,3, and 1 year old around can be exhausting and frustrating.   However, I'm not buying into that as an excuse.  I do realize that getting things done is not as important as stopping to be silly and having fun with my monsters every now and then.  Hopefully, more often than then! So for now  Lord, give me the wisdom to know when to play, the courage to not stress out, and the strength to just let go!  Amen.

Hello world

Taking a little time out of the insanity to say hello.  I have been so busy this year.  You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I will.  I spent over half the year going to my mom's everyday.  Taking all 4 of my kids there all day everyday.   So I was taking care of them, and my mom who has lou gehrigs disease, and my brothers and sisters.  I've been homeschooling my 16 yr old sister, poorly but she's a demon.   No seriously she is.  I was doing better.  However after 2 weeks of excruciating migraines and a possible miscarriage I had to cut back.  That's why she is poorly homeschooled.  I can't do the work for her, and I've got no power over her to make her.  So I advise and that's it.  She's not doing well but I did my best.  I still help take care of my mom.  I also took over her job in the family business.  So now I am office manager for my dad's office.   I work anywhere from 20 to 40 hours a week.  And still do every thing else.  The only difference is now I have a Lil money so ever so often I pay someone to help clean.   Some days for no reason at all I feel so exhausted.   Unfortunately for now that's my life. It could be worse could be better.  I am trying my hardest not to take my children and hubby for granted. I'm trying not to miss any of the little things. I'm trying to hold it together.  Trying to be a good mom and role model.  Some days i do better than others.   Often the stress makes me yell. I don't wanna yell. Trying to get to a place where i can be proud of myself i stead of feeling like a failure.  Which I s hard to do when you set impossible goals.

Fruit for lunch

Everyday last week I sent a cutie (small orange fruit) with Evie in her lunch box.  Everyday the lunch box came home with only the peels. So today I bought more and told her I got more cuties for your lunch. She said "mom I have to tell you the truth. I don't like cuties." I reply, "but you ate one everyday!?" She said, "No, someone else did....I gave them to one of my friends!" I busted up laughing. She then added "if you want me to eat fruit you should send apples and peanut butter!" I just kept laughing!

Broke tooth!

Sunday Evie was playing on a ride on toy when she crashed into something and broke a tooth! She said it was wiggly, but when she wiggled it just broke. She didn't cry and says it doesn't hurt. Lucky it's a baby tooth and would come out soon anyways. However it broke completely in half across the gum line. A tiny bit is hanging down but not enough to grab an try to wiggle or pull the rest out. We are finally going to the dentist today, Wednesday. Hopefully, we will get some good news. I'm hopeing he can get the rest out quickly and painlessly! Ha, like anything ever works out like that in life. Wish her luck and say a prayer....we shall see! The worst part is this tooth is one of three that have cost me over 3,000 dollar in the last 6yrs. She had what they call "bottle rot" and has had them fixed 3 times, by 3 different dentists. Each time they didn't get all the decay out so after time it spread. The last time she had it done in a hospital. They had so little tooth left she had basically fake teeth attached. (I don't know the correct terminology an am to tired to look it up!) The second dentist treated her like you would an adult so she's terrified of dentists!