You're just emotional!

 I want to take some time and talk about something that I feel is not talked about enough.  Mental abuse is nothing to be ashamed of, and very real.  I often have been told I am irrational or overly emotional.  In many senses I am, but I also spend so much time shut down and isolating myself.  Living life hidden inside my head because it is the only safe place. 

Unlike physical abuse where the evidence is completely visible and harder to hide mental abuse is an entirely different monster.  Mental abuse can leave you feeling like you are the crazy one.  Your abuser will make you feel like it is your fault for overreacting.  Or they "Just cannot joke with you."  Or maybe you are just too emotional.  

Mental abuse takes away everything that is you.  You are left doubting yourself.  You doubt your sanity.  You question your reality.  Am I overreacting?  Are my feelings valid?  Am I crazy?  Why can't I just take a joke?  What is wrong with me?  

There is no physical bruise to show a friend or someone to ask for help.  You don't know how to even explain it.  How can you put that into words?  What are the right words for this?  How do you explain the feeling of being reduced to nothing and made to feel like it is all your fault.  What did you even do wrong?  

You frantically search for the answers and try not to make the same mistake again and again.  Maybe this time I will get it right.  If I am perfect, If I play my part just right then everything will be ok!  But it is never ok.  There is always something wrong.  

You completely lose yourself.  You lose everything about you.  You live in survival mode.  Constantly trying to fix yourself because you believe that you are the problem.  

You become depressed and isolated.  You believe that you are worth nothing because you caused all this.  You have completely lost all sense of self.  

Your personality and values have been hijacked by your flight or fight reflexes.  You can't even live in the moment because you must constantly remain vigilant.  Always preparing for the future.  Trying to be perfect. 

You hold yourself to an absurd standard of perfection. Even though you know it is unobtainable. Ironically, you forgive your abuser for everything. After all its not his/her fault that you ruin everything.  You hate yourself for what you have become, and you have no idea what to do.  

Your trapped because how do you explain this.  What words can describe this to someone else?  And if you try to explain, will they think you are crazy too?  Will they judge you and hate you too?  Will they agree and confirm your worse fears, that you are the problem.  

This is something you just cannot bring yourself to face. So, you suffer in silence.  You keep these thoughts and fears inside your head.  You feel rooms and rooms in your mind with things left unsaid.  Afraid of being a burden.  Afraid of everything so you just sit in silence, and think to yourself, "I'm just emotional!" 

This pain is real.  Your pain is real.  You are not the problem.  You are not worthless.  You are not just emotional.  You are not irrational.  You can take a joke that is an actual joke!   

Your thoughts and your feelings are valid.

Your thoughts and your feelings do matter! 

You matter. 

The first step towards healing is realizing this and accepting it.  I know better said that done.  Everything in you will fight this.  You have been broken down and conditioned to believe that you are the problem.  Your very core with fight you on this idea.  

But you will take that first step towards healing.  You will open up and talk to someone.  You have to because your survival depends upon it.  Life isn't meant to be this way.  You deserve happiness, everyone does.  

When you open up and start talking, you will hear the words coming out of your mouth. It will sound so foreign and crazy.  So much so that even though you were there, and you know this is the truth it will feel like lies.  It will feel so absurd. People will look at you and some will sympathize others will judge.  They will ask you "Why?"  "Why did you allow this?"  Why did you accept/tolerate this?

You won't know what to say.   There is no answer to that for anyone.  The answer won't make sense to them, and it hurts you that they don't understand. At the same time, you are happy they don't understand.  You don't wish this pain on anyone. 

This is your story and your journey.  You were lost and this is the road to finding yourself. 

Because even if you are emotional- your emotions are valid. 

Who am I?

 I have always wanted to be a mom.  Every child changes what they want to be over time, and I was no exception. However, the one constant was that I always wanted to be a mom.  I imagined a big house and huge yard with tons of kids. I never imagined my life turning out like this, but then I guess no one really ever does.  

I have 4 amazing kids.  I am not complaining about being their mom.  This is literally the best job I could have ever asked for. However, somewhere along the way I lost what it means to be me.  I don't know who or what I am any more.  Amidst the many titles that a mom takes on I don't know the role that I play as a person anymore.  It hit me like a train every time someone asked me, "What do you do in your spare time?"  Well, I honestly didn't even know what spare time they were talking about either.  But it clued me in that something was wrong.  

Where had I gone wrong?  I'm a great mother.  I adore my kids. I was happy as a mother, but not complete.  I was lost because I had no idea who I was as a person. Take away my kids and I had no identity.  In fact, my kids had become my security blanket to my anxiety and my excuse to everything.  If I wasn't sure about an event, then no problem my kids always provided an excuse to escape.  If I felt uncomfortable at a social gathering my kids were the necessary, refuge I could hide behind. 

So now I begin my search who am I?  Not as a mother but as a person.  What do I like to do in my spare time?  

My depression

Many people suffer from depression.  I think my depression has gotten harder for me as a mom.  My anxiety is worse, after all pieces of my heart are out walking around and I cannot protect them from everything.  Mom guilt is so real and overwhelming at times.  For me my depression is like this:  when things are fine I will describe it as walking down a sunny path.  It is warm, comfortable,  and welcoming.

Then why would I want to leave this path?  Good question!  I don't want to, but I can't help it.  You must understand it is never intentional.  It starts small with a negative thought.  Just one thought maybe I didn't do something that I feel I should have.  This is a big one for me.  This one negative thought is a step off the path.  But the reality is negative thoughts always come in pairs.

Each negative thought leads to another.  I call this falling down the rabbit hole.  You feel it, but you are powerless to stop it.  The voices in your head call on all your deepest fears and push you further into darkness.  You've now fallen so far you can no longer see the warm path you started on.

Life gets really tough at this point.  It is hard to function in darkness.  Here life becomes a double edged sword.  You try to balance it.  Depression is a relentless demon thou.  The negative thoughts weigh you down.  You become tired.  Each day is harder and harder to complete the simplest of tasks.  So things get forgotten or put on hold.  Then the guilt kicks in for forgetting and procrastinating.

"You forgot your son's glasses this morning."  "You forgot your child's medication."  "You must be the worst mother in the world!"  The hits just keep coming.  Each another step into darkness and despair.

Eventually you find yourself on the edge of a cliff.  The darkness, despair, loneliness, and pain of depression call for you to do the unthinkable.  Your frozen here.  You don't want the pain anymore.  You don't want to suffer and you can't see your way back to the light.

The demons inside have lead you to a place that no one should go.  Those who have not been there do not understand.  They can not.

The bright side is you don't have to stay there.  I don't know why we (moms) are always so hard on ourselves. I often find myself telling people "oh I'm just a mom!"  That right there is part of the problem.  There is no "just a mom"!  We don't give ourselves credit where it is due! But we sure beat ourselves up when things don't go right! 

While I don't have all the answers and I know I will never stop setting unrealistic expectations for myself I do have a little advice.  We all know we need time for ourselves.  We know that self-care is important.  But when your in a dark place even basic tasks are hard.  You muster enough of yourself to take care of your children and there isn't anything left for you.  It is hard I know and your not alone.

My advice is do one thing!  Just one thing.  No matter what it is.  Take a shower.  Go for a walk.  Clean your room. Just one thing.  Do that thing and feel good about it.  Allow yourself that.

If things get to bad then seek help.  There is nothing wrong with getting help.  Depression and anxiety are real and nothing to be ashamed of. 

Remember tomorrow is a new day! 

I am alice

I look just like you.  On the outside everything appears to be just fine.  I laugh.  I smile.   No one would ever know the secrets that I hide.  I can't let anyone in.  I can't place that burden on you.   So, I carry on.  I laugh.  I smile.  I joke.  I make a quick trip to the bathroom to hide the tears; that some how are escaping.  I hate that I am not happy.  This makes it so much worse.  Why can't I just laugh and smile without this horrible curse.  I cry for a bit then wipe the tears away.   I can't let you see me cry.  I won't.

I don't think you would understand.  How can someone like me be so sad.  Honestly, I don't even know.  I hate myself for feeling this way.  I wonder when will I be enough.  When will enough be enough.  I wish this darkness would just go away.  I want to really laugh and smile at you today.

I look just like you.  I laugh.  I smile.  The darkness I hide deep down inside haunts my every moment.  I keep it hidden.  I wait for better days.  I feel everything and nothing.  I can't let you in.  I wipe away the tears.  No one will ever know the secrets that I hide.

I am Alice and I am falling down down the rabbit hole into the abyss. 

In to Darkness

It starts out slow and completely takes over.  First it is small and barely noticeable.  You feel the tightness, the gentle little squeeze around your chest.  It doesn't go away.  Your heart is in invisible hands and they are unforgiving.  The pain is bearable so you go on.  Then it hits the pit of your stomach.  Slight nausea at first. But the pain is real.  Your stomach takes over it aches and throbs.  Now you don't know which is worse the chest pain or your stomach.  You just want to throw up.  It doesn't let up.  You want to cry.  You don't know what to do.  How did you get here.  How did you become this fragile little mess.   The tears start to flow as you think, "how can I possibly go on?"  Your thoughts race to what could be, what should be.  You just don't want to think.   You hate yourself for feeling this way.   Now you just want the pain to end.  It's all so real and you don't know what to do.  Again you think "how can I possibly go on?"

Suddenly you stop.  You wipe those tears from your eyes.  You must go on and you know it.  You find your strength and muster up your courage.  Your eyes burn from the sting of your tears.   Your chest still feels the tight squeeze.  Your stomach is still tied up in knots.  You feel like you might vomit, but you know you will not.   There are things to do and you know what must be done.  You found your strength and you go on.  You carry this burden this horrible pain.  You hide it with a smile and fake that everything is fine.  You do your best to suffer silently.  It shows through thou in little glimpses.  Lucky for you most people don't notice.  You're always on the verge of tears.  You bite your lip, and hold it in. 

Your sadness comes out in anger and frustration.  You hurt those you love and that makes it so much harder.  You push them away when you need them most.  But you know this pain.  It is familiar because it has been here before.  This pain is unbearable.  You choose to suffer alone.   But you are not alone.   I know your fears and I feel your pain.  I want you to know it is alright.  Hold on to something and hold it tight; because tomorrow is another day.  

The Flash

I'm sure you all will know what I am talking about when I say the flash.  You see it in the moment when the day is finally over and you sit down to relax.  The kids are in bed, sleeping you hope!   You can clean or just chill, maybe a little of both.   As you start to think it over and prioritize your evening you wonder about the day.   You glance around the mess in the living room and the kitchen and then it hits you.  "What the heck did I do today?"   It comes back quicker than the flash and its all a blurry mess.   Between feeding 4 little mouths (hundreds of times), cleaning them, and making sure they don't kill themselves or each other the day has already passed by.  It's over in the blink of an eye.  The to do list is still undone and growing.   Then you begin to worry.  In the hustle and bustle of the day what kind of mom were you.  Did you give 100% of your attention to look at those drawings of,  whatever they were?  Did the kids notice your mind was drifting off?  Were you the mother you wanted to be, the mother you needed as a child?  Of coarse the answer is Yes, but you do this to yourself all the time.  The day was full of laughs, crys, and maybe a little yelling, but deep down you know you did your best.  You smile and leave the mess for tomorrow.   You definitely deserve a rest!  Take a bow mamma and enjoy your moment of quiet.  You deserve it as you are the best mom these little munchkins could ever ask for.  

Really me....on my darkest days

So I know and I have known for a while that I am not OK.  I hate that.   I have everything I want and seriously am the luckiest person alive.  So why am I not OK?  I think that makes it all the more worse for me.  I know my husband is amazing.  Don't get me wrong he isn't perfect!  He can irritate me like no other.  He can also make me feel perfect when my mind is telling me I am not.  He is my rock.  My kids are awesome!  They are awesomely, horrible, amazing little monsters!  I love them so much it is crazy!  I get to work from home and set my own hours!   How cool is that?  So many people say to me you do so much, or you are a great mom.  I don't see it.  I can't see it and I don't know why.  I am literally my own worst enemy!

Confessions from my darkness: Some days the kids go to school and I sleep until they come home!  I do!  I feel like a jerk.  I make them go to school.  My husband drives over an hour to work and I slept all day.  I didn't do the laundry, the dishes, or get work done.  I did nothing!  I feel worthless.  I tell him I slept all day.  I am so ashamed and I feel bad.  He says its "OK".  I have no idea what is wrong with him.  But I smile.  My heart feels better for a moment. 

Fast forward its dinner time.  I have no idea what to make.  I didn't plan ahead.  I cannot plan ahead.  I take orders and prepare dinner.  Its a make order kitchen.  My evening is more stressed and I feel worse.  Why wasn't I a good mom and prepared a healthy dinner on time?  Why didn't I make my kids eat whatever I cooked?  My 5 yr old wants peanut butter, Nuttela, but we have no clean spoons.  He says "why didn't you do the dishes?"  It cuts through my heart like a dagger! I say because I didn't feel good.  I really didn't that is why I slept.  But I never feel good lately. 

 Ugh, its bed time and I hate bed time.  No one wants to go to bed and I just want a moment of quiet.   They feel my stress.  They sense my weakness.  I don't have the energy for this.   One kid in bed then up while I'm putting another one in bed.  Things are spiraling out of control.  I blame myself.  They want a story.  Its good to read to kids.  However, its is past bedtime and they need to sleep.  I have no energy for a book.  I don't read.  I feel worse.  I am a bad mom.  How did I get here?  They are finally in bed.  It is quiet.  I sit and relax.  I feel awful.  I think of how the day was supposed to go, and all the things I wanted to do or say.   I wish I could wake them up and hug them and somehow fix it.  I tel myself its alright and tomorrow is a new day.  Every new day is a promise for a new beginning.  I will do better.

So that is really me on my darkest days!  It is painful to admit.  But why?  Why am I so hard on myself?  Why do I need to be perfect?  When will I be enough for me? 

Who am I?

One thing I know for certain is that there is nothing I wanted more in the world; than to grow up and become a mother.  I always imagined myself having many children.  I knew if I couldn't have children I would adopt.  I often imagined doing both.  I imagined a huge house full of children.  Life changes many things for us all, but nothing has ever changed my desire to be a mom.  I am so blessed to have my four children. Granted giving birth to four kids has changed my desire to give birth to more children! lol

I remember the day each one of my kids was born like it was yesterday.  I can't believe how much time has gone by from my first born until now.  We get swept away so quickly in life, and the days go by in a blink of an eye.  My ideas of motherhood were quickly challenged from what I expected and what the actual reality is.

 I will admit parenting is A LOT harder than I thought it would be.  While the bad was much worse than I thought it would be, the good was also so much more than I ever imagined!  Because I had wanted so badly to be a mother I also desired to be nothing less than a perfect mother.  So I quickly began trying to be that perfect mother.  I read all the parenting magazines.  I tried to do everything right.  I quickly discovered many painful truths.  I do not know all the answers, but that's ok because no one does.  I can ask for help and still be a great mother.  I can mess up big time and still be a great mother!

However, the hardest thing for me in my desire to be a perfect mother was finding time for myself.  I have been asked many times what my hobbies are?  I have no idea.  I guess cooking, cleaning, playing with play-dough, or legos, or whatever the kids are into! Then I realized I have no hobbies.  I have no idea what I like to do.  As my kids are getting older I am having suddenly free time!  I know it free time!  But what am I supposed to do now!

I thought being there for my kids 24 hours a day 7 days a week was important.  Yes it is still important, but guess what they will be fine if I am not there!   That was a shocker.  Shocked me to the core.  You mean someone else can pour their milk in their favorite sippy?  I remember the first time I went to a movie and left the kids with a sitter.  I seriously had so much anxiety I felt like I was going to pass out!

While being a mom was and is my greatest accomplishment it also resulted in a tragedy I let happen.  I completely lost myself.  I quickly had nothing to talk about with friends and even my husband if it was not about the kids!  I know I am that friend that everyone can't stand, with hundreds of kid pics on facebook and story after story of everything and anything the kids did!  I'm still that mom. lol

We all to often define ourselves by our labels. While I LOVE my label of MOM and I wouldn't change a thing.  I need to find out who I am when the name tag isn't on. 

Depressed or sleep deprived or both?

Since the birth of my son I have been worried about my emotional state. I have been concerned about my depression. I think I have post partum depression. I do not and will not take drugs for it unless the safety of my children is in question. A lot of my problem could be due to a lack of sleep.

I have been doing some reading, attempting to find a way to get my kids to sleep better. The results have made me aware of how sleep deprived I am, and the side effects of such deprivation. Many of the side effects are similar to the symptoms of depression. So I wonder what is the case for me. Is the solution just as simple as more sleep or is the problem bigger than I am willing to admit.


You might find that we have many of these problems in common. Or you may be wondering what is the big deal, because some of these things bother everyone everyday. The problem is that all of these things are bothering me daily, and they are just getting worse. Really bad lately since my kids won't sleep and are really cranky all day long.

The worst part is when I lose my cool and feel like a horrible mommy, making everything much worse! I have yelled at my kids! Not a lot, but more than a 1 or 2 year old deserve. Some times I find myself telling them "Just stop crying." I haven't and would not hit them. However, still "My patience is gone!"


The best thing is that they don't hold a grudge usually within minutes of yelling I tell them, "Sorry mommy got so mad at you for...." Then I kiss and hug them. If I cry my oldest says, "Don't cry mommy!" They both usually give me kisses at this point. The greatest thing about kids is they can always make you smile and bring the sun out from behind the clouds!


One thing is that I wake up at the slightest sound. My daughter was laughing in her sleep, I rolled over and had to check on her. Another thing is that my imagination runs havic so I have to check my kids many times. Not every night but A LOT of nights! Most days I feel foggy and sluggish. I constantly misplace things and forget what I am doing or why I am in a room!

I feel like such a failure as a mother. Especially since my kids are getting older and still facing baby problems. Such as not sleeping, taking bottles, and binkies. I have decided the binkies will wait for bigger problems to be solved. I have also decided that bottles will wait until sleep issues are solved. I believe my kids will be more susceptible to the idea of getting off the bottle when they have had adequate sleep! Now how to do that I don't know since I can't even get enough sleep myself.