Who am I?

 I have always wanted to be a mom.  Every child changes what they want to be over time, and I was no exception. However, the one constant was that I always wanted to be a mom.  I imagined a big house and huge yard with tons of kids. I never imagined my life turning out like this, but then I guess no one really ever does.  

I have 4 amazing kids.  I am not complaining about being their mom.  This is literally the best job I could have ever asked for. However, somewhere along the way I lost what it means to be me.  I don't know who or what I am any more.  Amidst the many titles that a mom takes on I don't know the role that I play as a person anymore.  It hit me like a train every time someone asked me, "What do you do in your spare time?"  Well, I honestly didn't even know what spare time they were talking about either.  But it clued me in that something was wrong.  

Where had I gone wrong?  I'm a great mother.  I adore my kids. I was happy as a mother, but not complete.  I was lost because I had no idea who I was as a person. Take away my kids and I had no identity.  In fact, my kids had become my security blanket to my anxiety and my excuse to everything.  If I wasn't sure about an event, then no problem my kids always provided an excuse to escape.  If I felt uncomfortable at a social gathering my kids were the necessary, refuge I could hide behind. 

So now I begin my search who am I?  Not as a mother but as a person.  What do I like to do in my spare time?  

Who am I?

One thing I know for certain is that there is nothing I wanted more in the world; than to grow up and become a mother.  I always imagined myself having many children.  I knew if I couldn't have children I would adopt.  I often imagined doing both.  I imagined a huge house full of children.  Life changes many things for us all, but nothing has ever changed my desire to be a mom.  I am so blessed to have my four children. Granted giving birth to four kids has changed my desire to give birth to more children! lol

I remember the day each one of my kids was born like it was yesterday.  I can't believe how much time has gone by from my first born until now.  We get swept away so quickly in life, and the days go by in a blink of an eye.  My ideas of motherhood were quickly challenged from what I expected and what the actual reality is.

 I will admit parenting is A LOT harder than I thought it would be.  While the bad was much worse than I thought it would be, the good was also so much more than I ever imagined!  Because I had wanted so badly to be a mother I also desired to be nothing less than a perfect mother.  So I quickly began trying to be that perfect mother.  I read all the parenting magazines.  I tried to do everything right.  I quickly discovered many painful truths.  I do not know all the answers, but that's ok because no one does.  I can ask for help and still be a great mother.  I can mess up big time and still be a great mother!

However, the hardest thing for me in my desire to be a perfect mother was finding time for myself.  I have been asked many times what my hobbies are?  I have no idea.  I guess cooking, cleaning, playing with play-dough, or legos, or whatever the kids are into! Then I realized I have no hobbies.  I have no idea what I like to do.  As my kids are getting older I am having suddenly free time!  I know it free time!  But what am I supposed to do now!

I thought being there for my kids 24 hours a day 7 days a week was important.  Yes it is still important, but guess what they will be fine if I am not there!   That was a shocker.  Shocked me to the core.  You mean someone else can pour their milk in their favorite sippy?  I remember the first time I went to a movie and left the kids with a sitter.  I seriously had so much anxiety I felt like I was going to pass out!

While being a mom was and is my greatest accomplishment it also resulted in a tragedy I let happen.  I completely lost myself.  I quickly had nothing to talk about with friends and even my husband if it was not about the kids!  I know I am that friend that everyone can't stand, with hundreds of kid pics on facebook and story after story of everything and anything the kids did!  I'm still that mom. lol

We all to often define ourselves by our labels. While I LOVE my label of MOM and I wouldn't change a thing.  I need to find out who I am when the name tag isn't on.