Who am I?

 I have always wanted to be a mom.  Every child changes what they want to be over time, and I was no exception. However, the one constant was that I always wanted to be a mom.  I imagined a big house and huge yard with tons of kids. I never imagined my life turning out like this, but then I guess no one really ever does.  

I have 4 amazing kids.  I am not complaining about being their mom.  This is literally the best job I could have ever asked for. However, somewhere along the way I lost what it means to be me.  I don't know who or what I am any more.  Amidst the many titles that a mom takes on I don't know the role that I play as a person anymore.  It hit me like a train every time someone asked me, "What do you do in your spare time?"  Well, I honestly didn't even know what spare time they were talking about either.  But it clued me in that something was wrong.  

Where had I gone wrong?  I'm a great mother.  I adore my kids. I was happy as a mother, but not complete.  I was lost because I had no idea who I was as a person. Take away my kids and I had no identity.  In fact, my kids had become my security blanket to my anxiety and my excuse to everything.  If I wasn't sure about an event, then no problem my kids always provided an excuse to escape.  If I felt uncomfortable at a social gathering my kids were the necessary, refuge I could hide behind. 

So now I begin my search who am I?  Not as a mother but as a person.  What do I like to do in my spare time?  

My depression

Many people suffer from depression.  I think my depression has gotten harder for me as a mom.  My anxiety is worse, after all pieces of my heart are out walking around and I cannot protect them from everything.  Mom guilt is so real and overwhelming at times.  For me my depression is like this:  when things are fine I will describe it as walking down a sunny path.  It is warm, comfortable,  and welcoming.

Then why would I want to leave this path?  Good question!  I don't want to, but I can't help it.  You must understand it is never intentional.  It starts small with a negative thought.  Just one thought maybe I didn't do something that I feel I should have.  This is a big one for me.  This one negative thought is a step off the path.  But the reality is negative thoughts always come in pairs.

Each negative thought leads to another.  I call this falling down the rabbit hole.  You feel it, but you are powerless to stop it.  The voices in your head call on all your deepest fears and push you further into darkness.  You've now fallen so far you can no longer see the warm path you started on.

Life gets really tough at this point.  It is hard to function in darkness.  Here life becomes a double edged sword.  You try to balance it.  Depression is a relentless demon thou.  The negative thoughts weigh you down.  You become tired.  Each day is harder and harder to complete the simplest of tasks.  So things get forgotten or put on hold.  Then the guilt kicks in for forgetting and procrastinating.

"You forgot your son's glasses this morning."  "You forgot your child's medication."  "You must be the worst mother in the world!"  The hits just keep coming.  Each another step into darkness and despair.

Eventually you find yourself on the edge of a cliff.  The darkness, despair, loneliness, and pain of depression call for you to do the unthinkable.  Your frozen here.  You don't want the pain anymore.  You don't want to suffer and you can't see your way back to the light.

The demons inside have lead you to a place that no one should go.  Those who have not been there do not understand.  They can not.

The bright side is you don't have to stay there.  I don't know why we (moms) are always so hard on ourselves. I often find myself telling people "oh I'm just a mom!"  That right there is part of the problem.  There is no "just a mom"!  We don't give ourselves credit where it is due! But we sure beat ourselves up when things don't go right! 

While I don't have all the answers and I know I will never stop setting unrealistic expectations for myself I do have a little advice.  We all know we need time for ourselves.  We know that self-care is important.  But when your in a dark place even basic tasks are hard.  You muster enough of yourself to take care of your children and there isn't anything left for you.  It is hard I know and your not alone.

My advice is do one thing!  Just one thing.  No matter what it is.  Take a shower.  Go for a walk.  Clean your room. Just one thing.  Do that thing and feel good about it.  Allow yourself that.

If things get to bad then seek help.  There is nothing wrong with getting help.  Depression and anxiety are real and nothing to be ashamed of. 

Remember tomorrow is a new day! 

Parenting Is Hard

Parenting is hard.  No matter how you look at it or what you do Parenting is the hardest job you will ever have.  Every parent is faced with his or her own unique challenges and no two kids are alike.  The hardest thing about parenting for me is my mistakes.   I know everyone makes mistakes.  It is when those mistakes build up and I can't let go of them.   Then I am left feeling like the worst mother in the world.

   We have all been there.  Your in the car with a headache and the kids are just being kids, but they are LOUD.  You kindly ask nicely for them to quiet down, but nope.   Then eventually you lose your shit!  Excuse my language, but there really is no other way to describe it.  You basically have a full on adult tantrum.  It is not pretty.  This leaves me emotionally empty and embarrassed of my behavior.  

 Later,  my son has a meltdown.  I do not react appropriately.   We are in public and instead of worrying about him and his needs I get caught up in everyone staring.  Most days I am good at ignoring the looks!  However, today for some reason I am insecure and feel the pressure to parent in a way that,  well is not my way.  I do what I think is expected of me.  I put my foot down.  I will not stand for this behavior.  It gets worse!!!  He isn't giving me a hard time, because he is having a hard time.  My heart breaks into a million pieces.  

The next day we have to hurry we have a million things to do.  I did not give myself enough time, nor did I allow time for any thing unexpected.  We all know that's not going to end well.  One child can't find a shoe,  another child isn't dressed,  two kids are playing video games and ignoring me.  I keep saying get your stuff! Bring some toys, snacks....  No one listens....  We are late!  I lose my shit!!!

I can go on and on about my daily mistakes.  We all have been there done that.  So why does it bother me so?  Why do they mount up and crush me like a ton of bricks?   Usually I can apologize to my kids and explain to them why I lost it.   

I hope to show them I am not perfect.  I hope to show them that I am not right all the time, and no matter what they deserve to be treated with respect.  I hope to build in them self confidence to demand respect from others, but empathy as well.  I hope they understand, and can apologize for their mistakes as well.  But most of all I wish I didn't make so many mistakes.  I wish the days could be full of laughter, but that isn't real life is it.  

So even though I am not perfect I am human.  I learn to forgive myself, and start tomorrow new! So maybe tonight I go to bed feeling like a horrible mom, but the truth is I am an amazing mom.  

expectations vs reality

I gotta be honest with you all.  I always wanted to be a mom.  Seriously for as long as I can remember.  I have always been good with kids and started babysitting when I was really young.  I thought I knew it all, or at least some!  However, being a mom is completely different from what I expected it to be.  I thought all sun shine and rainbows, but reality is snot, poop, and unknown substances smeared on the sun shine and rainbows.  Don't get me wrong I love it.  I am just shocked at how completely different it is from what I expected. 

So why is that?  Why is the reality of parenting such a shocker?  It is like some big club secret that has been locked away, and only when you have kids do you get access to the keys.  Parenting really is a club all of its own.  You can talk to any parent, even if you don't like each other, about parenting and understand each other.  You don't have to agree, but you will get that "oh man I feel ya" We know because we have lived it.  If your not a parent you think whats the big deal my nieces and nephews stay over all the time!  Trust me I thought the same thing.  See you get the part time deal that way; and it is all sun shine and rainbows.  You don't get to know the dark side of parenting. 

Yes, I said it; the dark side! You have probably noticed especially with the use of social media today most people don't talk about the dark side.  You are constantly bombarded with images worthy of pinterest and finding you fall short.  Because no one wants to pin or post about the dark side.  How can we as parents help each other if we all pretend that this elephant isn't in the room thou?  How can we help prepare future parents for the reality of parenthood? 

 Parenting is tough.  You want to raise an intelligent, kind, compassionate, human being that isn't a door mat or a bully.  You want them to be confident yet humble.  Well I can go on and on.  Then there are parenting books and philosophies up the BUTT!   Yes you will be drowning in them.  Many contradict each other, so which is correct?  You also are stuck with the way your parents raised you.  Plus, everyone and I mean everyone will have advice for how you should do literally everything!  No joke! 

So you bring home this amazing bundle of joy and are expecting sun shine and rainbows, but what are you supposed to do when reality doesn't match your expectations.  The reality of parenting can make you feel overwhelmed, scared, and alone.   Where do you turn now?  If you don't know, don't worry I didn't either.  I felt and still do at times that feeling this way isn't ok, and it some how makes me a bad mother.  This is why we need to talk more about these dark days.  We need to openly allow each other to share without judgement.  So when expectations and reality collide we know its ok!  Don't give advice here, but encouragement.  Acceptance.  Hugs.  Reassurance. 

This was the beginning of my postpartum depression journey.  When my expectations of how, who, and what parenting was supposed to be met the reality of how parenting really is. 

The Flash

I'm sure you all will know what I am talking about when I say the flash.  You see it in the moment when the day is finally over and you sit down to relax.  The kids are in bed, sleeping you hope!   You can clean or just chill, maybe a little of both.   As you start to think it over and prioritize your evening you wonder about the day.   You glance around the mess in the living room and the kitchen and then it hits you.  "What the heck did I do today?"   It comes back quicker than the flash and its all a blurry mess.   Between feeding 4 little mouths (hundreds of times), cleaning them, and making sure they don't kill themselves or each other the day has already passed by.  It's over in the blink of an eye.  The to do list is still undone and growing.   Then you begin to worry.  In the hustle and bustle of the day what kind of mom were you.  Did you give 100% of your attention to look at those drawings of,  whatever they were?  Did the kids notice your mind was drifting off?  Were you the mother you wanted to be, the mother you needed as a child?  Of coarse the answer is Yes, but you do this to yourself all the time.  The day was full of laughs, crys, and maybe a little yelling, but deep down you know you did your best.  You smile and leave the mess for tomorrow.   You definitely deserve a rest!  Take a bow mamma and enjoy your moment of quiet.  You deserve it as you are the best mom these little munchkins could ever ask for.  

Really me....on my darkest days

So I know and I have known for a while that I am not OK.  I hate that.   I have everything I want and seriously am the luckiest person alive.  So why am I not OK?  I think that makes it all the more worse for me.  I know my husband is amazing.  Don't get me wrong he isn't perfect!  He can irritate me like no other.  He can also make me feel perfect when my mind is telling me I am not.  He is my rock.  My kids are awesome!  They are awesomely, horrible, amazing little monsters!  I love them so much it is crazy!  I get to work from home and set my own hours!   How cool is that?  So many people say to me you do so much, or you are a great mom.  I don't see it.  I can't see it and I don't know why.  I am literally my own worst enemy!

Confessions from my darkness: Some days the kids go to school and I sleep until they come home!  I do!  I feel like a jerk.  I make them go to school.  My husband drives over an hour to work and I slept all day.  I didn't do the laundry, the dishes, or get work done.  I did nothing!  I feel worthless.  I tell him I slept all day.  I am so ashamed and I feel bad.  He says its "OK".  I have no idea what is wrong with him.  But I smile.  My heart feels better for a moment. 

Fast forward its dinner time.  I have no idea what to make.  I didn't plan ahead.  I cannot plan ahead.  I take orders and prepare dinner.  Its a make order kitchen.  My evening is more stressed and I feel worse.  Why wasn't I a good mom and prepared a healthy dinner on time?  Why didn't I make my kids eat whatever I cooked?  My 5 yr old wants peanut butter, Nuttela, but we have no clean spoons.  He says "why didn't you do the dishes?"  It cuts through my heart like a dagger! I say because I didn't feel good.  I really didn't that is why I slept.  But I never feel good lately. 

 Ugh, its bed time and I hate bed time.  No one wants to go to bed and I just want a moment of quiet.   They feel my stress.  They sense my weakness.  I don't have the energy for this.   One kid in bed then up while I'm putting another one in bed.  Things are spiraling out of control.  I blame myself.  They want a story.  Its good to read to kids.  However, its is past bedtime and they need to sleep.  I have no energy for a book.  I don't read.  I feel worse.  I am a bad mom.  How did I get here?  They are finally in bed.  It is quiet.  I sit and relax.  I feel awful.  I think of how the day was supposed to go, and all the things I wanted to do or say.   I wish I could wake them up and hug them and somehow fix it.  I tel myself its alright and tomorrow is a new day.  Every new day is a promise for a new beginning.  I will do better.

So that is really me on my darkest days!  It is painful to admit.  But why?  Why am I so hard on myself?  Why do I need to be perfect?  When will I be enough for me? 

Who am I?

One thing I know for certain is that there is nothing I wanted more in the world; than to grow up and become a mother.  I always imagined myself having many children.  I knew if I couldn't have children I would adopt.  I often imagined doing both.  I imagined a huge house full of children.  Life changes many things for us all, but nothing has ever changed my desire to be a mom.  I am so blessed to have my four children. Granted giving birth to four kids has changed my desire to give birth to more children! lol

I remember the day each one of my kids was born like it was yesterday.  I can't believe how much time has gone by from my first born until now.  We get swept away so quickly in life, and the days go by in a blink of an eye.  My ideas of motherhood were quickly challenged from what I expected and what the actual reality is.

 I will admit parenting is A LOT harder than I thought it would be.  While the bad was much worse than I thought it would be, the good was also so much more than I ever imagined!  Because I had wanted so badly to be a mother I also desired to be nothing less than a perfect mother.  So I quickly began trying to be that perfect mother.  I read all the parenting magazines.  I tried to do everything right.  I quickly discovered many painful truths.  I do not know all the answers, but that's ok because no one does.  I can ask for help and still be a great mother.  I can mess up big time and still be a great mother!

However, the hardest thing for me in my desire to be a perfect mother was finding time for myself.  I have been asked many times what my hobbies are?  I have no idea.  I guess cooking, cleaning, playing with play-dough, or legos, or whatever the kids are into! Then I realized I have no hobbies.  I have no idea what I like to do.  As my kids are getting older I am having suddenly free time!  I know it free time!  But what am I supposed to do now!

I thought being there for my kids 24 hours a day 7 days a week was important.  Yes it is still important, but guess what they will be fine if I am not there!   That was a shocker.  Shocked me to the core.  You mean someone else can pour their milk in their favorite sippy?  I remember the first time I went to a movie and left the kids with a sitter.  I seriously had so much anxiety I felt like I was going to pass out!

While being a mom was and is my greatest accomplishment it also resulted in a tragedy I let happen.  I completely lost myself.  I quickly had nothing to talk about with friends and even my husband if it was not about the kids!  I know I am that friend that everyone can't stand, with hundreds of kid pics on facebook and story after story of everything and anything the kids did!  I'm still that mom. lol

We all to often define ourselves by our labels. While I LOVE my label of MOM and I wouldn't change a thing.  I need to find out who I am when the name tag isn't on. 

I didn't know that!

Evie of coarse got out of bed tonight her excuse was she needed to bring me some dirty dishes. OK fine it actually saved me a trip upstairs to go get them.  Then she asked me to sign her a song.  I told her I would to go to bed and wait for me.  I was going to be up in a minute because I wanted to go to bed early and was going to ask daddy to wash the bottles.  Something I do every night before going to bed!

She thought this was a joke!  "Daddy can wash the bottles?"  She said it kinda confused and laughing a little.  I said "Yes, your daddy can wash the bottles.  He knows how!"

As she walked upstairs she just said "I didn't know that!"

I almost died clearly daddy needs some more chores on his todo list! LOL

marriage

My husband and I have been having our share of difficulties lately.  We are still deeply in love, but also deeply stressed.  He texted me this morning and asked me to marry him.  I told the kids "Daddy asked me to marry him should I say Yes or No?" 

My four year old daughter immediately said "Yes".  Then after thinking for a moment asked me, "Are you and daddy married now?" Smart girl!  "Yes" I said, "your daddy is just being sweet and letting me know he loves me."  She was happy with that and smiled very big.

However, my son was in tears.  He literally had tears streaming down his face, and amidst his sobs was yelling at me.  Most of his rambling was incoherent.  I did understand "No, don't marry him, cause he's my daddy!"  I don't know what he thought I was gonna do to his daddy, but he was seriously very concerned!  I told him it was ok "I am already married to your daddy!"  This made things worse. 

So men must be born thinking marriage is bad!  I am just kidding.  Obviously he thought it meant something else.  Unfortunately, due to his personality (aka special needs) there was no way to discuss the matter.  I had to just say "Ok, I won't marry your daddy!"  His fears were gone and life went on.  Some other day we can talk about it.

We will have to eventually.  My husband and are are going to try and plan a renewal of our vows in 2years for our 15th wedding anniversary! 

The Crazy Lady Got Out!

I am losing my mind. Tonight I got so frustrated at the kids I yelled so loud my throat hurt.  After that I told them "mommy needs a time out!  Watch your movie, and do not fight!" Then I left the room.  I was and am so upset with myself.  I am so impatient these days.  I don't know who I am sometimes.  It seems like there is so much going on I can't focus and can't remember things.  It is driving me crazy.  Plus, add in kids screaming all day!  It's enough to make you lose it. 

I told them I was sorry and we decided they would be good and I wouldn't yell tomorrow. I didn't even realize I was yelling till after I did it!  I just don't want to be like my mom she always yelled and never listened.  At the same time I don't want my kids to think they can talk their way out of listening to me. If that makes sense.

 I just feel so bad.  This isn't who I wanted to be as a parent.  I didn't want to yell or spank my kids.  I wanted to be the nice mom that listens and always knows what to say and how to handle things!  I'm just not sure I know how to be her!  I guess the fact that I realize this and I want to correct it has to be a step in the right direction.  I think I am just overwhelmed.  That's why I am blogging again.  This is something for me and my sanity! I need it back! 

I just don't know what to do for discipline and punishments.  Topher doesn't respond to much.  He either laughs at me if I spank him or shuts down.  Time outs are also very challenging.  He is definitely a full time job.  Often watching him alone is very exhausting.  Evie is to smart.  She talks back and can be very nasty.  She refuses to clean up anything.  Ally is just a baby, getting into everything and everywhere!  I am stuck in the middle maintaining the peace, keeping everyone healthy, and at the same time trying to have a clean house as well.  Maybe I am just chasing the impossible and need to lower some of my expectations here.  A person can only do so much. 

steam rolled

I just feel completely overwhelmed. Christopher's recent diagnosis of sensory integration disorder just puts me over the top. I'm trying to work outside the home a little and getting mixed feed back from hubby, and my feelings as well. I've got the kids in preschool and swimming! Which is good, it is just a lot for me right now. I feel like I'm stuck on the merry go round and can't get off! The world is just spinning round and round me right now! I'm trying to be a part of it and get stuff together, but I'm just missing it! If that makes any sense at all to anyone!!!

Thank you stranger!

I was having a bad day. The day isn't over I meant to say, " I am having a bad day!"

I had to go to Wal-Mart, to make matters worse. I love the store, but don't like to go by myself with the kids just to get two things. That's no fun, and a lot of work for nothing. However, we needed both milk and formula.

It took me 15-20 minutes in the parking lot before I even got into the store. I had to feed Christopher who decided he was going to start screaming. I think he just wanted out of his car seat, he hates it! So I tried to feed him. He only ate 1 1/2 oz. Then I changed his diaper. Then I put him in the wrap in wear, set up as a front carrier. It does 15 carries, and I absolutely love it. I just wish it were a little easier to wrap. You know it could wrap itself, then it would be perfect.

There was a cart next to our car, but a store employee wanted to look busy while he flirted with some girl so he took it. Thank YOU, for nothing! I grabbed Evie who at this point desperately wanted out of her car seat as well. Now with my son strapped to me, my daughter on my hip, and my bag over my shoulder we headed in the store. Thankfully, my parking spot was close. That was at least 40 lbs with just the kids, and I'm sure the bag is close to 20 too!

In the store I start to look at things I want to buy, but don't have the money for right now. Then Evie signs she is "all done", and oops it is hot in here. Carrying a 20lb baby turns up the heat fast. So I have to hurry get the stuff and go.

Having a child in a front carrier is a blessing and a curse. It keeps them busy and happy. Unfortunately, you can't see their face. Therefore you have no idea what is going on. We head for the check out counter and I am placing items on the counter. When a man walking by says, "Excuse me I think that's your binkie"! At first I was confused. Then I looked a few feet behind us, and sure enough my son had spit out his binkie. I wanted to hug the guy to say, "Thank you!" That binkie is worth more than its weight in gold to me. Especially in a few minutes on the way home when Christopher will decide he has had enough.

My excessive gratitude stems from the fact that this man walking by noticed and told me this when no one else did. Despite there being countless others in the area and no one else noticed or bothered to say something! In fact the binkie was just inches away from one woman's feet. So thank you for just noticing and speaking up. I appreciate it!

Today it is sad, but often we are to self absorbed to notice anyone else. Other times we notice, but for what ever reason choose to say nothing! It is ok to be nice! Try it, I dare you!

Help Please!

I don't know what has happened to people today. It is as if offering to help someone has become a crime. I'm talking about any kind of help from opening the door, driving courteously, and what ever else you can think of. I know that with my two kids there are many times that I look like I need help, because often I do. It is really hard to do simple things like open doors when you are pushing a double stroller. Most times people don't even open doors for me. In fact I have held open doors for a lot of people who don't mind pushing by me and my two kids.

Fitting a double stroller in an elevator is hard to. I once had a lady move in front of me and stand as we waited for the elevator. I think she didn't think we would fit, and wanted to make sure she would get in. We had been waiting for the elevator for a while because we were on the top floor. When the elevator came I finally said, "We will all fit if you let us get in first." That way I could push the stroller up against the wall and not other people. I just can't believe how rude people are.

Due to the fact that my husband works nights I am often left to do the grocery shopping by myself. Or at least I am the only adult. Shopping carts are designed for one kid only. Even some of the newer ones that hold more than one kid are not baby friendly. I carry my youngest in a front carrier and my oldest goes into the cart. It is very hard to maneuver this way. Try bending down to pick up something with 20 lbs strapped to your chest. Yikes! And it is next to impossible to pick up anything heavy like a case of bottled water or pop. Do you think anyone offers to help! No.

I don't know what is wrong with people. You don't have to carry the kids, change their diapers, or buy my groceries, but would it hurt to be polite and hold the door?

Sleep PLEASE!!!

Last night was awful...

I'll start with my son. He was asleep by 7:30, and I thought oh what a great night this is shaping up to be. He woke up at 10 and ate 5 ounces and went back to sleep after I changed his diaper. No big deal. He woke up a 1 am and I thought, "What the heck?" But I made him a bottle, he only ate 3 ounces and I changed his diaper. He went back to sleep. Then 4 am hit and he was awake. He was wide awake and didn't fall back to sleep until between 5:15 and 5:30. Then at 7 he was up. He took a 3o minute nap at 9am. Ok, so that wasn't too bad, but combine that with my daughter and "Ouch, I'm hurting for some sleep".

My daughter's night wasn't so pleasant. She didn't fall asleep until after midnight. I tried and tried. She then was whining at 3 am. She wanted to cuddle with me, but I didn't feel good and couldn't get comfortable so every time I moved she moved. We each made the other uncomfortable every time we moved so for about an hour neither of us slept. Then when her brother woke up so did she. She tried to get out of bed but I kept yelling at her, "No, lay down it's bed time."

Finally in desperation I turned on Muzzy, the foreign language DVD set we have, both the kids love it, and laid them both down. I tried to sleep. Every 10-15 minutes my daughter would bother me and I'd just tell her no time for bed. They both fell asleep a little after 5. Around 9:30 my daughter was up for the day.

Now its tonight and we are headed down the same path. Christopher has been asleep since 8pm. Evie is tired, but won't sleep. She sleeps with me and usually I don't have such trouble. We spent the weekend at my in-laws and there it is impossible to make her sleep so we basically let her stay up until she can't any longer. That's not gonna fly here. She no longer has her own crib. I couldn't get her to sleep in it. So instead of buying a second crib her brother sleeps in hers. She is currently screaming bloody murder because I put her in the play pin and told her she has to go to bed because it is bed time. I feel absolutely awful, but don't know what else to do. I have to sleep or I'm gonna go nuts!!!!

If any one has ideas to solve our sleep dilemma I am all ears!!!!!

Depth Perception?

Until recently I thought of my daughter as fearless. Lately she has developed seemingly odd fears of cracks in the ground. We live on the fourth floor of an apartment building, thank God we have an elevator. The last few times we have gone in or out of the elevator she has cried unless someone holds her hand when crossing the gap in the floor where the doors open. She is petrified of it. I guess since you can see down it that would be a rational fear especially for a toddler. Her fear of it is not what has surprised me it is the sudden onset of this fear.

She also recently was afraid to walk on a friends deck. We attend a play group at the local library every week. In the room there is a large stage that is put together by 8 separate squares being joined underneath. The stage is only a foot or two of the ground. Today she was terrified to walk from one square to the other. She wouldn't cross the cracks unless I held her hand. She tried to get an older girl, possibly 8, to hold her hand once to help her, but the girl didn't know her and didn't understand. The thing about this is last Monday she didn't even seem to notice the cracks.

I don't know if this is a normal part of development. Has she suddenly acquired depth perception? Or is she just more aware of these things? I know nothing bad has happened to her in conjunction with these cracks.

I guess she just recently realized that part of the floor is different, but she doesn't know why. Maybe that is why she is afraid because she doesn't know what it is. I don't know, and I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not. It's no big deal to reach down and hold her hand, and to reassure her that everything is alright. This is just all so new to me.