My depression

Many people suffer from depression.  I think my depression has gotten harder for me as a mom.  My anxiety is worse, after all pieces of my heart are out walking around and I cannot protect them from everything.  Mom guilt is so real and overwhelming at times.  For me my depression is like this:  when things are fine I will describe it as walking down a sunny path.  It is warm, comfortable,  and welcoming.

Then why would I want to leave this path?  Good question!  I don't want to, but I can't help it.  You must understand it is never intentional.  It starts small with a negative thought.  Just one thought maybe I didn't do something that I feel I should have.  This is a big one for me.  This one negative thought is a step off the path.  But the reality is negative thoughts always come in pairs.

Each negative thought leads to another.  I call this falling down the rabbit hole.  You feel it, but you are powerless to stop it.  The voices in your head call on all your deepest fears and push you further into darkness.  You've now fallen so far you can no longer see the warm path you started on.

Life gets really tough at this point.  It is hard to function in darkness.  Here life becomes a double edged sword.  You try to balance it.  Depression is a relentless demon thou.  The negative thoughts weigh you down.  You become tired.  Each day is harder and harder to complete the simplest of tasks.  So things get forgotten or put on hold.  Then the guilt kicks in for forgetting and procrastinating.

"You forgot your son's glasses this morning."  "You forgot your child's medication."  "You must be the worst mother in the world!"  The hits just keep coming.  Each another step into darkness and despair.

Eventually you find yourself on the edge of a cliff.  The darkness, despair, loneliness, and pain of depression call for you to do the unthinkable.  Your frozen here.  You don't want the pain anymore.  You don't want to suffer and you can't see your way back to the light.

The demons inside have lead you to a place that no one should go.  Those who have not been there do not understand.  They can not.

The bright side is you don't have to stay there.  I don't know why we (moms) are always so hard on ourselves. I often find myself telling people "oh I'm just a mom!"  That right there is part of the problem.  There is no "just a mom"!  We don't give ourselves credit where it is due! But we sure beat ourselves up when things don't go right! 

While I don't have all the answers and I know I will never stop setting unrealistic expectations for myself I do have a little advice.  We all know we need time for ourselves.  We know that self-care is important.  But when your in a dark place even basic tasks are hard.  You muster enough of yourself to take care of your children and there isn't anything left for you.  It is hard I know and your not alone.

My advice is do one thing!  Just one thing.  No matter what it is.  Take a shower.  Go for a walk.  Clean your room. Just one thing.  Do that thing and feel good about it.  Allow yourself that.

If things get to bad then seek help.  There is nothing wrong with getting help.  Depression and anxiety are real and nothing to be ashamed of. 

Remember tomorrow is a new day! 

I am alice

I look just like you.  On the outside everything appears to be just fine.  I laugh.  I smile.   No one would ever know the secrets that I hide.  I can't let anyone in.  I can't place that burden on you.   So, I carry on.  I laugh.  I smile.  I joke.  I make a quick trip to the bathroom to hide the tears; that some how are escaping.  I hate that I am not happy.  This makes it so much worse.  Why can't I just laugh and smile without this horrible curse.  I cry for a bit then wipe the tears away.   I can't let you see me cry.  I won't.

I don't think you would understand.  How can someone like me be so sad.  Honestly, I don't even know.  I hate myself for feeling this way.  I wonder when will I be enough.  When will enough be enough.  I wish this darkness would just go away.  I want to really laugh and smile at you today.

I look just like you.  I laugh.  I smile.  The darkness I hide deep down inside haunts my every moment.  I keep it hidden.  I wait for better days.  I feel everything and nothing.  I can't let you in.  I wipe away the tears.  No one will ever know the secrets that I hide.

I am Alice and I am falling down down the rabbit hole into the abyss. 

expectations vs reality

I gotta be honest with you all.  I always wanted to be a mom.  Seriously for as long as I can remember.  I have always been good with kids and started babysitting when I was really young.  I thought I knew it all, or at least some!  However, being a mom is completely different from what I expected it to be.  I thought all sun shine and rainbows, but reality is snot, poop, and unknown substances smeared on the sun shine and rainbows.  Don't get me wrong I love it.  I am just shocked at how completely different it is from what I expected. 

So why is that?  Why is the reality of parenting such a shocker?  It is like some big club secret that has been locked away, and only when you have kids do you get access to the keys.  Parenting really is a club all of its own.  You can talk to any parent, even if you don't like each other, about parenting and understand each other.  You don't have to agree, but you will get that "oh man I feel ya" We know because we have lived it.  If your not a parent you think whats the big deal my nieces and nephews stay over all the time!  Trust me I thought the same thing.  See you get the part time deal that way; and it is all sun shine and rainbows.  You don't get to know the dark side of parenting. 

Yes, I said it; the dark side! You have probably noticed especially with the use of social media today most people don't talk about the dark side.  You are constantly bombarded with images worthy of pinterest and finding you fall short.  Because no one wants to pin or post about the dark side.  How can we as parents help each other if we all pretend that this elephant isn't in the room thou?  How can we help prepare future parents for the reality of parenthood? 

 Parenting is tough.  You want to raise an intelligent, kind, compassionate, human being that isn't a door mat or a bully.  You want them to be confident yet humble.  Well I can go on and on.  Then there are parenting books and philosophies up the BUTT!   Yes you will be drowning in them.  Many contradict each other, so which is correct?  You also are stuck with the way your parents raised you.  Plus, everyone and I mean everyone will have advice for how you should do literally everything!  No joke! 

So you bring home this amazing bundle of joy and are expecting sun shine and rainbows, but what are you supposed to do when reality doesn't match your expectations.  The reality of parenting can make you feel overwhelmed, scared, and alone.   Where do you turn now?  If you don't know, don't worry I didn't either.  I felt and still do at times that feeling this way isn't ok, and it some how makes me a bad mother.  This is why we need to talk more about these dark days.  We need to openly allow each other to share without judgement.  So when expectations and reality collide we know its ok!  Don't give advice here, but encouragement.  Acceptance.  Hugs.  Reassurance. 

This was the beginning of my postpartum depression journey.  When my expectations of how, who, and what parenting was supposed to be met the reality of how parenting really is. 

The Flash

I'm sure you all will know what I am talking about when I say the flash.  You see it in the moment when the day is finally over and you sit down to relax.  The kids are in bed, sleeping you hope!   You can clean or just chill, maybe a little of both.   As you start to think it over and prioritize your evening you wonder about the day.   You glance around the mess in the living room and the kitchen and then it hits you.  "What the heck did I do today?"   It comes back quicker than the flash and its all a blurry mess.   Between feeding 4 little mouths (hundreds of times), cleaning them, and making sure they don't kill themselves or each other the day has already passed by.  It's over in the blink of an eye.  The to do list is still undone and growing.   Then you begin to worry.  In the hustle and bustle of the day what kind of mom were you.  Did you give 100% of your attention to look at those drawings of,  whatever they were?  Did the kids notice your mind was drifting off?  Were you the mother you wanted to be, the mother you needed as a child?  Of coarse the answer is Yes, but you do this to yourself all the time.  The day was full of laughs, crys, and maybe a little yelling, but deep down you know you did your best.  You smile and leave the mess for tomorrow.   You definitely deserve a rest!  Take a bow mamma and enjoy your moment of quiet.  You deserve it as you are the best mom these little munchkins could ever ask for.  

Really me....on my darkest days

So I know and I have known for a while that I am not OK.  I hate that.   I have everything I want and seriously am the luckiest person alive.  So why am I not OK?  I think that makes it all the more worse for me.  I know my husband is amazing.  Don't get me wrong he isn't perfect!  He can irritate me like no other.  He can also make me feel perfect when my mind is telling me I am not.  He is my rock.  My kids are awesome!  They are awesomely, horrible, amazing little monsters!  I love them so much it is crazy!  I get to work from home and set my own hours!   How cool is that?  So many people say to me you do so much, or you are a great mom.  I don't see it.  I can't see it and I don't know why.  I am literally my own worst enemy!

Confessions from my darkness: Some days the kids go to school and I sleep until they come home!  I do!  I feel like a jerk.  I make them go to school.  My husband drives over an hour to work and I slept all day.  I didn't do the laundry, the dishes, or get work done.  I did nothing!  I feel worthless.  I tell him I slept all day.  I am so ashamed and I feel bad.  He says its "OK".  I have no idea what is wrong with him.  But I smile.  My heart feels better for a moment. 

Fast forward its dinner time.  I have no idea what to make.  I didn't plan ahead.  I cannot plan ahead.  I take orders and prepare dinner.  Its a make order kitchen.  My evening is more stressed and I feel worse.  Why wasn't I a good mom and prepared a healthy dinner on time?  Why didn't I make my kids eat whatever I cooked?  My 5 yr old wants peanut butter, Nuttela, but we have no clean spoons.  He says "why didn't you do the dishes?"  It cuts through my heart like a dagger! I say because I didn't feel good.  I really didn't that is why I slept.  But I never feel good lately. 

 Ugh, its bed time and I hate bed time.  No one wants to go to bed and I just want a moment of quiet.   They feel my stress.  They sense my weakness.  I don't have the energy for this.   One kid in bed then up while I'm putting another one in bed.  Things are spiraling out of control.  I blame myself.  They want a story.  Its good to read to kids.  However, its is past bedtime and they need to sleep.  I have no energy for a book.  I don't read.  I feel worse.  I am a bad mom.  How did I get here?  They are finally in bed.  It is quiet.  I sit and relax.  I feel awful.  I think of how the day was supposed to go, and all the things I wanted to do or say.   I wish I could wake them up and hug them and somehow fix it.  I tel myself its alright and tomorrow is a new day.  Every new day is a promise for a new beginning.  I will do better.

So that is really me on my darkest days!  It is painful to admit.  But why?  Why am I so hard on myself?  Why do I need to be perfect?  When will I be enough for me?