Parenting Is Hard

Parenting is hard.  No matter how you look at it or what you do Parenting is the hardest job you will ever have.  Every parent is faced with his or her own unique challenges and no two kids are alike.  The hardest thing about parenting for me is my mistakes.   I know everyone makes mistakes.  It is when those mistakes build up and I can't let go of them.   Then I am left feeling like the worst mother in the world.

   We have all been there.  Your in the car with a headache and the kids are just being kids, but they are LOUD.  You kindly ask nicely for them to quiet down, but nope.   Then eventually you lose your shit!  Excuse my language, but there really is no other way to describe it.  You basically have a full on adult tantrum.  It is not pretty.  This leaves me emotionally empty and embarrassed of my behavior.  

 Later,  my son has a meltdown.  I do not react appropriately.   We are in public and instead of worrying about him and his needs I get caught up in everyone staring.  Most days I am good at ignoring the looks!  However, today for some reason I am insecure and feel the pressure to parent in a way that,  well is not my way.  I do what I think is expected of me.  I put my foot down.  I will not stand for this behavior.  It gets worse!!!  He isn't giving me a hard time, because he is having a hard time.  My heart breaks into a million pieces.  

The next day we have to hurry we have a million things to do.  I did not give myself enough time, nor did I allow time for any thing unexpected.  We all know that's not going to end well.  One child can't find a shoe,  another child isn't dressed,  two kids are playing video games and ignoring me.  I keep saying get your stuff! Bring some toys, snacks....  No one listens....  We are late!  I lose my shit!!!

I can go on and on about my daily mistakes.  We all have been there done that.  So why does it bother me so?  Why do they mount up and crush me like a ton of bricks?   Usually I can apologize to my kids and explain to them why I lost it.   

I hope to show them I am not perfect.  I hope to show them that I am not right all the time, and no matter what they deserve to be treated with respect.  I hope to build in them self confidence to demand respect from others, but empathy as well.  I hope they understand, and can apologize for their mistakes as well.  But most of all I wish I didn't make so many mistakes.  I wish the days could be full of laughter, but that isn't real life is it.  

So even though I am not perfect I am human.  I learn to forgive myself, and start tomorrow new! So maybe tonight I go to bed feeling like a horrible mom, but the truth is I am an amazing mom.  

The Crazy Lady Got Out!

I am losing my mind. Tonight I got so frustrated at the kids I yelled so loud my throat hurt.  After that I told them "mommy needs a time out!  Watch your movie, and do not fight!" Then I left the room.  I was and am so upset with myself.  I am so impatient these days.  I don't know who I am sometimes.  It seems like there is so much going on I can't focus and can't remember things.  It is driving me crazy.  Plus, add in kids screaming all day!  It's enough to make you lose it. 

I told them I was sorry and we decided they would be good and I wouldn't yell tomorrow. I didn't even realize I was yelling till after I did it!  I just don't want to be like my mom she always yelled and never listened.  At the same time I don't want my kids to think they can talk their way out of listening to me. If that makes sense.

 I just feel so bad.  This isn't who I wanted to be as a parent.  I didn't want to yell or spank my kids.  I wanted to be the nice mom that listens and always knows what to say and how to handle things!  I'm just not sure I know how to be her!  I guess the fact that I realize this and I want to correct it has to be a step in the right direction.  I think I am just overwhelmed.  That's why I am blogging again.  This is something for me and my sanity! I need it back! 

I just don't know what to do for discipline and punishments.  Topher doesn't respond to much.  He either laughs at me if I spank him or shuts down.  Time outs are also very challenging.  He is definitely a full time job.  Often watching him alone is very exhausting.  Evie is to smart.  She talks back and can be very nasty.  She refuses to clean up anything.  Ally is just a baby, getting into everything and everywhere!  I am stuck in the middle maintaining the peace, keeping everyone healthy, and at the same time trying to have a clean house as well.  Maybe I am just chasing the impossible and need to lower some of my expectations here.  A person can only do so much. 

fighting

The fighting between my kids never stops. Many times Evie is simply the victim of Topher's inability to control his impulses, and understand what hurts and what is play. However, on occasion Evie has instigated the fight herself. Whether she is just getting pay back or deciding to take control of a situation herself she has gotten herself into a fair number of scuffles.

For instance tonight I ran to her aide, and quickly grabbed Topher off her back before he had a chance to bite into her. I had to then chase him before I could put him into time out (which doesn't work, but gives Evie the feeling that justice has been served). On my way with him to time out Evie said, "I take his binkie!" Which is a big "No No!" Even for mommy.

I asked, "Why did you take his binkie?"

Her response made me bite my tongue to keep from laughing. She matter of factly said, "I take his binkie. He naughty, I take his binkie!"

I could not believe it, and once I was sure I would not laugh or show her my smile. I very seriously said, "Mommy is the boss. If he is naughty tell mommy, and I will take binkies if they need taking!"

For now I am the boss, but she is so independent I know it won't last for long.

Don't feed the monkeys!

There is a reason signs like this are posted in zoos and parks. Certain behavior should not be encouraged. Regardless of how cute or fun the behavior seems at that point in time. I wish people would not feed my monsters. Or in other words I do not want them to encourage certain behaviors that turns my angels into monsters.

For example, if one of my children smack you, headbutt you, pull your hair, scratch you, bite you, and the list could go on... don't laugh or do anything to encourage the behavior. I can not stop these undesirable habits if I am the only one telling the kids no. It is not cute. It is not funny. Maybe a head but from a one year old might seem funny to an adult. It probably doesn't hurt much. However, imagine how that same head butt feels to a two year old.

Every time you allow a child to act this way you are saying, "it is ok to do this!" They look to us for guidance on what is acceptable behavior in society. They do not understand, "It is ok to be rough with daddy, grandpa, uncle, or whoever, but not sister!"

So what do you do? That is the easy and hard part. Talk to them. Tell them, "Ouch, that is called (whatever they have done), and that hurts!" If they continue to do it, put them down. I tell my kids I will not play with you if you are going to do that (whatever it is). I am not saying they are perfect, but they know mommy means business!

Give them a little time out. I have been using time outs for my kids starting at 9 months.
Evie gets about a minute in time out, and Christopher gets about 30 seconds. It is usually much less. The point is to make them take a second and understand this behavior will not be accepted. It is not fun for you or the kids. Nobody likes to be the meanie, but allowing this behavior turns your angel into the meanie! You know who he is, the kid that nobody plays with because he isn't nice!

The hard part is you have to be consistent and you can't laugh at them! Ah, there's the rub! Don't even smile at them. Ignore the cuteness, and bite your lip or turn your head. They will devour you if they sense weakness! I am not kidding. My kids already know us well enough to know if we think they are funny. If they get that impression all is lost! Who doesn't want to make mommy or daddy smile!

Uh Oh!

Tonight we had dinner on the living room floor, our indoor picnic. I had taken some things into the kitchen to clean up, but I forgot my drink. My daughter thought the large over sized glass glass looked too good to resist. So of coarse she helped herself to it. It was to heavy so she dropped it and pop went everywhere. She knew she was not supposed to have my glass, and thought that she would be in trouble. She ran to the couch covered her face and began to pout. It was to cute I couldn't punish her. Our punishments consist of taking time outs in the time out chair, one minute for every year. For an 18 month old one minute of sitting still borders along the lines of torture. I reminded her not to drink mommy's drink with out asking, and cleaned up the mess. After all this accident was mostly my fault, leaving out one of the biggest temptations to her.

As I scrubbed the floor I couldn't help but think, "Please let me finish cleaning up one mess before you make another"!

Discipline and punishment! Any Help!!!!!

I don't want to use spanking at all. But I honestly don't know how to discipline or punish my children at 6 months and 16 months. Are they too young?

Not that spanking really works or anything, but it is all I know. That's how I grew up. Until I went to college and took some psychology classes I had fully intended on spanking my children as well. Only now that I believe I shouldn't do it I don't really know what to do. Any ideas?

I know time outs but I can't put my kids in time out. I'd have to sit on my one year old for her to stay for even half a minute. I do constantly say no and distract them or remove them from whatever it is. However, I am often busy with one child and need them to stop at a firm "NO" especially when it is something potentially dangerous. Am I just dreaming or is that even possible.

Copy Cat Queen!

My daughter just adores her 6 year old uncle, my youngest brother. She copies everything he does!!! Some times it is cute but the ramifications often have devastating results. She hits and throws things after being around him. She goes from a perfect angel to a perfect demolition artist. He gets her so fired up that we often start referring to her as Evie the Destroyer!

I don't know what to do about this. It's not fair to keep them apart, after all they are family. However, she has a six month old brother. I am hoping he survives. She has smacked him a few times. Lucky for me, or him, that he is very tough. He usually flinches then looks at her like she's crazy. I am not so forgiving. I don't want to hit her back, which I did swat her hand once and instantly regretted it. I just don't know what to do. Usually the more I tell her no the more she does it. I try to show her how to touch and tell her how to. Sometimes it works others well her brother isn't so lucky those times. He doesn't seem to get hurt at all by it, but that doesn't mean I should let it go either.

I don't want to use spanking at all. But I honestly don't know how to discipline or punish a 1 year old! Not that spanking really works or anything, but it is all I know. That's how I grew up. Until I went to college and took some psychology classes I had fully intended on spanking my children as well. Only now that I believe I shouldn't do it I don't really know what to do. Any ideas.

I am also worried about what she is teaching her brother. I hope the effects of this on him are not bad. Hopefully he forgets about it and it doesn't damage him psychologically. Who really knows what it will do?

I tell my brother to stop and constantly remind him that he is teaching her bad things. Some times he stops, but most times he thinks it is funny. I can't convey the serious of it to him he's to young. My husband doesn't want them playing together. He is the only one she does this with. I am serious you wouldn't even think she is only 16 months watching her run around and copy every thing my brother does. It is funny to watch, but that's it.

One time in church my mom was busy so my brother slid on his knees across the floor. Next thing I know my toddler is crawling on the floor and sprawling out on her back in the middle of the floor just laughing as hard as she can. I was slightly embarrassed, but she's only one so most people just smile. I can just imagine the thoughts swimming through their heads.

Mommies little biter!

My precious angel has a vicious mean streak. She bites, but only me. The other day we went to Indianapolis for a day trip due to my younger sister dancing in the half time show during the Fever game (WNBA). So we all went and afterwards we went out to eat at Jillian's. It's kind of like Chuckie Cheese only for all ages, but more for grown ups than tots. She was being so good at dinner. Until she was done.

Then she signed that she was done, but I told her to wait a minute mommy wasn't done yet. She leaned over put her head against my arm. I mistakenly thought how cute she's cuddling with me. Then ouch! She had bitten me! I actually yelled out because it did hurt. I told her, "NO, that is called biting and it really hurts!" She didn't seem to really pay me any attention. In fact I know she didn't because she proceeded to bite me three more times.

This isn't the first time though. Sometimes she will just pull my hand down to her mouth and bite my finger. This is the first time she's bitten my arm. A couple times while hugging me she has bitten my shoulder, but she hasn't done that in a long time.

For some reason I am the only one she bites. She has bitten daddy only once. Maybe mommies taste better??? I don't know. I am pretty sure she's not teething she has tons of teeth. She even has her molars in. She won't let me look long enough to tell though.

I don't know what to do about it other than what I have been doing. I always respond the same. I tell her that its not OK and it hurts. Then I make a point to not give her any extra attention, and if she continues to do it I ignore her. I don't know any other way to discipline her about it. I don't think biting her back will solve anything. If its not OK for her why is it OK for me?