Hello world

Taking a little time out of the insanity to say hello.  I have been so busy this year.  You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I will.  I spent over half the year going to my mom's everyday.  Taking all 4 of my kids there all day everyday.   So I was taking care of them, and my mom who has lou gehrigs disease, and my brothers and sisters.  I've been homeschooling my 16 yr old sister, poorly but she's a demon.   No seriously she is.  I was doing better.  However after 2 weeks of excruciating migraines and a possible miscarriage I had to cut back.  That's why she is poorly homeschooled.  I can't do the work for her, and I've got no power over her to make her.  So I advise and that's it.  She's not doing well but I did my best.  I still help take care of my mom.  I also took over her job in the family business.  So now I am office manager for my dad's office.   I work anywhere from 20 to 40 hours a week.  And still do every thing else.  The only difference is now I have a Lil money so ever so often I pay someone to help clean.   Some days for no reason at all I feel so exhausted.   Unfortunately for now that's my life. It could be worse could be better.  I am trying my hardest not to take my children and hubby for granted. I'm trying not to miss any of the little things. I'm trying to hold it together.  Trying to be a good mom and role model.  Some days i do better than others.   Often the stress makes me yell. I don't wanna yell. Trying to get to a place where i can be proud of myself i stead of feeling like a failure.  Which I s hard to do when you set impossible goals.

Hello World!

I haven't posted in almost a year!  I don't know why.  It's hard to find time for myself.  Also when things are rough sometimes it is difficult to put them into words.  When you write down your feelings they become real and you can no longer escape them or deny them.  The reality is that the past year has been a roller coaster.  So many ups and downs I have no idea where to start.
       First, I will start with the positive.  The best thing that happened in 2012 was the birth of my second son, my fourth and most likely final child, Thaddeus Samuel Menear.  I didn't post during my pregnancy because it was rough.  I had gestational diabetes again and I was just miserable.  Plus, the thought of another C-section was really dragging me down.  In fact during my C-section I said "I'm never doing this again!" Having a C-section is nothing like they show on TV! It is horrible.  I freak out every time and have a massive anxiety attack.  I was also nervous about having another baby because of our life in general.  I was finally at a point where I could go back to work.  Lord, knows these days most families need or can use a second income.  In fact I was working up till the day before the baby was born.  I just can't bring myself to put him in daycare.  (I may be slightly neurotic but I can't trust strangers with my kids till they are old enough to talk to me about problems!)  I can admit now I had doubts about whether having another child was the smart decision, but God knows best!  I am Thankful for that.  I couldn't imagine life without any of my children.  Thaddeus is a gift from above and his smile, hugs, and kisses remind me every day how precious life is.  (Not that my other children don't as well, but with Thaddeus it is a little different.)
    That brings me to the negative of 2012.  The rock bottom of my roller coaster ride.  A couple weeks before the birth of Thaddeus my mom was diagnosed with ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease, and given three to five years to live.   My mom went from being a hard working, outgoing, and completely self sufficient person in the beginning on 2012 to hardly being able to walk, lost the use of her arms, can no longer drive or do any self care without assistance.  She spent the week before Christmas in ICU at Northwestern in Chicago.  She now has a feeding tube.  She can still eat foods, but not enough to maintain.  This has been devastating to our family.  My 15 year old sister is now home schooled to help mom during the day.  My mom was her mentor but as of November mom could no longer use the computer.  I took over and am now homeschooling my sister.  I am also doing all my moms work at the family business.  I don't really get paid for any of this.  I'm not complaining about that I just wanted to mention it since I had talked about money above.  Life right now is just bearable.  I'm grateful my mom is still with us, but can't bear to see her suffering.   So when things get completely unbearable Thaddeus give me a big kiss and reminds me that life goes on.  He is my sunshine through the darkness.  A gift of life from God sent at just the right time to remind me that everything happens for a reason.