I am alice

I look just like you.  On the outside everything appears to be just fine.  I laugh.  I smile.   No one would ever know the secrets that I hide.  I can't let anyone in.  I can't place that burden on you.   So, I carry on.  I laugh.  I smile.  I joke.  I make a quick trip to the bathroom to hide the tears; that some how are escaping.  I hate that I am not happy.  This makes it so much worse.  Why can't I just laugh and smile without this horrible curse.  I cry for a bit then wipe the tears away.   I can't let you see me cry.  I won't.

I don't think you would understand.  How can someone like me be so sad.  Honestly, I don't even know.  I hate myself for feeling this way.  I wonder when will I be enough.  When will enough be enough.  I wish this darkness would just go away.  I want to really laugh and smile at you today.

I look just like you.  I laugh.  I smile.  The darkness I hide deep down inside haunts my every moment.  I keep it hidden.  I wait for better days.  I feel everything and nothing.  I can't let you in.  I wipe away the tears.  No one will ever know the secrets that I hide.

I am Alice and I am falling down down the rabbit hole into the abyss. 

In to Darkness

It starts out slow and completely takes over.  First it is small and barely noticeable.  You feel the tightness, the gentle little squeeze around your chest.  It doesn't go away.  Your heart is in invisible hands and they are unforgiving.  The pain is bearable so you go on.  Then it hits the pit of your stomach.  Slight nausea at first. But the pain is real.  Your stomach takes over it aches and throbs.  Now you don't know which is worse the chest pain or your stomach.  You just want to throw up.  It doesn't let up.  You want to cry.  You don't know what to do.  How did you get here.  How did you become this fragile little mess.   The tears start to flow as you think, "how can I possibly go on?"  Your thoughts race to what could be, what should be.  You just don't want to think.   You hate yourself for feeling this way.   Now you just want the pain to end.  It's all so real and you don't know what to do.  Again you think "how can I possibly go on?"

Suddenly you stop.  You wipe those tears from your eyes.  You must go on and you know it.  You find your strength and muster up your courage.  Your eyes burn from the sting of your tears.   Your chest still feels the tight squeeze.  Your stomach is still tied up in knots.  You feel like you might vomit, but you know you will not.   There are things to do and you know what must be done.  You found your strength and you go on.  You carry this burden this horrible pain.  You hide it with a smile and fake that everything is fine.  You do your best to suffer silently.  It shows through thou in little glimpses.  Lucky for you most people don't notice.  You're always on the verge of tears.  You bite your lip, and hold it in. 

Your sadness comes out in anger and frustration.  You hurt those you love and that makes it so much harder.  You push them away when you need them most.  But you know this pain.  It is familiar because it has been here before.  This pain is unbearable.  You choose to suffer alone.   But you are not alone.   I know your fears and I feel your pain.  I want you to know it is alright.  Hold on to something and hold it tight; because tomorrow is another day.  

Parenting Is Hard

Parenting is hard.  No matter how you look at it or what you do Parenting is the hardest job you will ever have.  Every parent is faced with his or her own unique challenges and no two kids are alike.  The hardest thing about parenting for me is my mistakes.   I know everyone makes mistakes.  It is when those mistakes build up and I can't let go of them.   Then I am left feeling like the worst mother in the world.

   We have all been there.  Your in the car with a headache and the kids are just being kids, but they are LOUD.  You kindly ask nicely for them to quiet down, but nope.   Then eventually you lose your shit!  Excuse my language, but there really is no other way to describe it.  You basically have a full on adult tantrum.  It is not pretty.  This leaves me emotionally empty and embarrassed of my behavior.  

 Later,  my son has a meltdown.  I do not react appropriately.   We are in public and instead of worrying about him and his needs I get caught up in everyone staring.  Most days I am good at ignoring the looks!  However, today for some reason I am insecure and feel the pressure to parent in a way that,  well is not my way.  I do what I think is expected of me.  I put my foot down.  I will not stand for this behavior.  It gets worse!!!  He isn't giving me a hard time, because he is having a hard time.  My heart breaks into a million pieces.  

The next day we have to hurry we have a million things to do.  I did not give myself enough time, nor did I allow time for any thing unexpected.  We all know that's not going to end well.  One child can't find a shoe,  another child isn't dressed,  two kids are playing video games and ignoring me.  I keep saying get your stuff! Bring some toys, snacks....  No one listens....  We are late!  I lose my shit!!!

I can go on and on about my daily mistakes.  We all have been there done that.  So why does it bother me so?  Why do they mount up and crush me like a ton of bricks?   Usually I can apologize to my kids and explain to them why I lost it.   

I hope to show them I am not perfect.  I hope to show them that I am not right all the time, and no matter what they deserve to be treated with respect.  I hope to build in them self confidence to demand respect from others, but empathy as well.  I hope they understand, and can apologize for their mistakes as well.  But most of all I wish I didn't make so many mistakes.  I wish the days could be full of laughter, but that isn't real life is it.  

So even though I am not perfect I am human.  I learn to forgive myself, and start tomorrow new! So maybe tonight I go to bed feeling like a horrible mom, but the truth is I am an amazing mom.  

expectations vs reality

I gotta be honest with you all.  I always wanted to be a mom.  Seriously for as long as I can remember.  I have always been good with kids and started babysitting when I was really young.  I thought I knew it all, or at least some!  However, being a mom is completely different from what I expected it to be.  I thought all sun shine and rainbows, but reality is snot, poop, and unknown substances smeared on the sun shine and rainbows.  Don't get me wrong I love it.  I am just shocked at how completely different it is from what I expected. 

So why is that?  Why is the reality of parenting such a shocker?  It is like some big club secret that has been locked away, and only when you have kids do you get access to the keys.  Parenting really is a club all of its own.  You can talk to any parent, even if you don't like each other, about parenting and understand each other.  You don't have to agree, but you will get that "oh man I feel ya" We know because we have lived it.  If your not a parent you think whats the big deal my nieces and nephews stay over all the time!  Trust me I thought the same thing.  See you get the part time deal that way; and it is all sun shine and rainbows.  You don't get to know the dark side of parenting. 

Yes, I said it; the dark side! You have probably noticed especially with the use of social media today most people don't talk about the dark side.  You are constantly bombarded with images worthy of pinterest and finding you fall short.  Because no one wants to pin or post about the dark side.  How can we as parents help each other if we all pretend that this elephant isn't in the room thou?  How can we help prepare future parents for the reality of parenthood? 

 Parenting is tough.  You want to raise an intelligent, kind, compassionate, human being that isn't a door mat or a bully.  You want them to be confident yet humble.  Well I can go on and on.  Then there are parenting books and philosophies up the BUTT!   Yes you will be drowning in them.  Many contradict each other, so which is correct?  You also are stuck with the way your parents raised you.  Plus, everyone and I mean everyone will have advice for how you should do literally everything!  No joke! 

So you bring home this amazing bundle of joy and are expecting sun shine and rainbows, but what are you supposed to do when reality doesn't match your expectations.  The reality of parenting can make you feel overwhelmed, scared, and alone.   Where do you turn now?  If you don't know, don't worry I didn't either.  I felt and still do at times that feeling this way isn't ok, and it some how makes me a bad mother.  This is why we need to talk more about these dark days.  We need to openly allow each other to share without judgement.  So when expectations and reality collide we know its ok!  Don't give advice here, but encouragement.  Acceptance.  Hugs.  Reassurance. 

This was the beginning of my postpartum depression journey.  When my expectations of how, who, and what parenting was supposed to be met the reality of how parenting really is.