I'm sure you all will know what I am talking about when I say the flash. You see it in the moment when the day is finally over and you sit down to relax. The kids are in bed, sleeping you hope! You can clean or just chill, maybe a little of both. As you start to think it over and prioritize your evening you wonder about the day. You glance around the mess in the living room and the kitchen and then it hits you. "What the heck did I do today?" It comes back quicker than the flash and its all a blurry mess. Between feeding 4 little mouths (hundreds of times), cleaning them, and making sure they don't kill themselves or each other the day has already passed by. It's over in the blink of an eye. The to do list is still undone and growing. Then you begin to worry. In the hustle and bustle of the day what kind of mom were you. Did you give 100% of your attention to look at those drawings of, whatever they were? Did the kids notice your mind was drifting off? Were you the mother you wanted to be, the mother you needed as a child? Of coarse the answer is Yes, but you do this to yourself all the time. The day was full of laughs, crys, and maybe a little yelling, but deep down you know you did your best. You smile and leave the mess for tomorrow. You definitely deserve a rest! Take a bow mamma and enjoy your moment of quiet. You deserve it as you are the best mom these little munchkins could ever ask for.
My angels!
Sunday, March 11, 2018
Friday, March 9, 2018
Really me....on my darkest days
So I know and I have known for a while that I am not OK. I hate that. I have everything I want and seriously am the luckiest person alive. So why am I not OK? I think that makes it all the more worse for me. I know my husband is amazing. Don't get me wrong he isn't perfect! He can irritate me like no other. He can also make me feel perfect when my mind is telling me I am not. He is my rock. My kids are awesome! They are awesomely, horrible, amazing little monsters! I love them so much it is crazy! I get to work from home and set my own hours! How cool is that? So many people say to me you do so much, or you are a great mom. I don't see it. I can't see it and I don't know why. I am literally my own worst enemy!
Confessions from my darkness: Some days the kids go to school and I sleep until they come home! I do! I feel like a jerk. I make them go to school. My husband drives over an hour to work and I slept all day. I didn't do the laundry, the dishes, or get work done. I did nothing! I feel worthless. I tell him I slept all day. I am so ashamed and I feel bad. He says its "OK". I have no idea what is wrong with him. But I smile. My heart feels better for a moment.
Fast forward its dinner time. I have no idea what to make. I didn't plan ahead. I cannot plan ahead. I take orders and prepare dinner. Its a make order kitchen. My evening is more stressed and I feel worse. Why wasn't I a good mom and prepared a healthy dinner on time? Why didn't I make my kids eat whatever I cooked? My 5 yr old wants peanut butter, Nuttela, but we have no clean spoons. He says "why didn't you do the dishes?" It cuts through my heart like a dagger! I say because I didn't feel good. I really didn't that is why I slept. But I never feel good lately.
Ugh, its bed time and I hate bed time. No one wants to go to bed and I just want a moment of quiet. They feel my stress. They sense my weakness. I don't have the energy for this. One kid in bed then up while I'm putting another one in bed. Things are spiraling out of control. I blame myself. They want a story. Its good to read to kids. However, its is past bedtime and they need to sleep. I have no energy for a book. I don't read. I feel worse. I am a bad mom. How did I get here? They are finally in bed. It is quiet. I sit and relax. I feel awful. I think of how the day was supposed to go, and all the things I wanted to do or say. I wish I could wake them up and hug them and somehow fix it. I tel myself its alright and tomorrow is a new day. Every new day is a promise for a new beginning. I will do better.
So that is really me on my darkest days! It is painful to admit. But why? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I need to be perfect? When will I be enough for me?
Confessions from my darkness: Some days the kids go to school and I sleep until they come home! I do! I feel like a jerk. I make them go to school. My husband drives over an hour to work and I slept all day. I didn't do the laundry, the dishes, or get work done. I did nothing! I feel worthless. I tell him I slept all day. I am so ashamed and I feel bad. He says its "OK". I have no idea what is wrong with him. But I smile. My heart feels better for a moment.
Fast forward its dinner time. I have no idea what to make. I didn't plan ahead. I cannot plan ahead. I take orders and prepare dinner. Its a make order kitchen. My evening is more stressed and I feel worse. Why wasn't I a good mom and prepared a healthy dinner on time? Why didn't I make my kids eat whatever I cooked? My 5 yr old wants peanut butter, Nuttela, but we have no clean spoons. He says "why didn't you do the dishes?" It cuts through my heart like a dagger! I say because I didn't feel good. I really didn't that is why I slept. But I never feel good lately.
Ugh, its bed time and I hate bed time. No one wants to go to bed and I just want a moment of quiet. They feel my stress. They sense my weakness. I don't have the energy for this. One kid in bed then up while I'm putting another one in bed. Things are spiraling out of control. I blame myself. They want a story. Its good to read to kids. However, its is past bedtime and they need to sleep. I have no energy for a book. I don't read. I feel worse. I am a bad mom. How did I get here? They are finally in bed. It is quiet. I sit and relax. I feel awful. I think of how the day was supposed to go, and all the things I wanted to do or say. I wish I could wake them up and hug them and somehow fix it. I tel myself its alright and tomorrow is a new day. Every new day is a promise for a new beginning. I will do better.
So that is really me on my darkest days! It is painful to admit. But why? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I need to be perfect? When will I be enough for me?
Common Sense!
I can not count how many times I have heard, said, or thought "Don't you have any common sense?" However, one thing parenting has taught me is that 'no, there is no such thing as common sense!' I am so serious on that. The things I have had to tell my children not to do are insane. I have said things I never thought I would have to say to a person. Seriously no joke! The things you have to tell kids you could have never ever imagined in your wildest dreams!
For example: My infant son starts to cry while my daughter is playing so sweetly with him. The cry isn't a normal hunger cry. No this is a cry of pain! So I ask my daughter "What did you do to your brother?" Her response, "I accidentally bit him?" I ask "How do you accidentally bite your baby brother?" She explains, "Well I put his foot in my mouth and he kicked me, so I accidentally bit him!" Hum... I see! Now I am thinking why would you put a person in your mouth and why would you need to be told not to put a person in your mouth? So I calmly tell her that it is inappropriate to put people in our mouths!
Another example fast forward a few years my 7 year old daughter is in her brothers room yelling and about to do something to get him back. He is hiding in the kitchen. So I decide to intervene and stop this before something bad happens. I ask her what is going on? She is rightly mad. Her brother went into her room and apparently rubbed his butt all over many of her belongings. Thankfully he is 5 and did not think to take his pants off to do this! Why he did this I have no idea!!! So I explain to him it is not appropriate to rub our butts on other people or their belongings! To which he asks "What if I rub my butt on my own things in my room?" I feel like I am certainly failing somewhere as a parent! My 11 year old yells before I can respond "Why would you rub your butt on your stuff, gross!" So I explain that no its not OK to rub your butt on stuff! I really thought that this conversation was not necessary, but then again parenting 101 no common sense actually exists!
So I hope you do not need more examples to get my point, but if you do I have TONS more! Common sense is a myth and there is in fact nothing common about it!
For example: My infant son starts to cry while my daughter is playing so sweetly with him. The cry isn't a normal hunger cry. No this is a cry of pain! So I ask my daughter "What did you do to your brother?" Her response, "I accidentally bit him?" I ask "How do you accidentally bite your baby brother?" She explains, "Well I put his foot in my mouth and he kicked me, so I accidentally bit him!" Hum... I see! Now I am thinking why would you put a person in your mouth and why would you need to be told not to put a person in your mouth? So I calmly tell her that it is inappropriate to put people in our mouths!
Another example fast forward a few years my 7 year old daughter is in her brothers room yelling and about to do something to get him back. He is hiding in the kitchen. So I decide to intervene and stop this before something bad happens. I ask her what is going on? She is rightly mad. Her brother went into her room and apparently rubbed his butt all over many of her belongings. Thankfully he is 5 and did not think to take his pants off to do this! Why he did this I have no idea!!! So I explain to him it is not appropriate to rub our butts on other people or their belongings! To which he asks "What if I rub my butt on my own things in my room?" I feel like I am certainly failing somewhere as a parent! My 11 year old yells before I can respond "Why would you rub your butt on your stuff, gross!" So I explain that no its not OK to rub your butt on stuff! I really thought that this conversation was not necessary, but then again parenting 101 no common sense actually exists!
So I hope you do not need more examples to get my point, but if you do I have TONS more! Common sense is a myth and there is in fact nothing common about it!
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Who am I?
One thing I know for certain is that there is nothing I wanted more in the world; than to grow up and become a mother. I always imagined myself having many children. I knew if I couldn't have children I would adopt. I often imagined doing both. I imagined a huge house full of children. Life changes many things for us all, but nothing has ever changed my desire to be a mom. I am so blessed to have my four children. Granted giving birth to four kids has changed my desire to give birth to more children! lol
I remember the day each one of my kids was born like it was yesterday. I can't believe how much time has gone by from my first born until now. We get swept away so quickly in life, and the days go by in a blink of an eye. My ideas of motherhood were quickly challenged from what I expected and what the actual reality is.
I will admit parenting is A LOT harder than I thought it would be. While the bad was much worse than I thought it would be, the good was also so much more than I ever imagined! Because I had wanted so badly to be a mother I also desired to be nothing less than a perfect mother. So I quickly began trying to be that perfect mother. I read all the parenting magazines. I tried to do everything right. I quickly discovered many painful truths. I do not know all the answers, but that's ok because no one does. I can ask for help and still be a great mother. I can mess up big time and still be a great mother!
However, the hardest thing for me in my desire to be a perfect mother was finding time for myself. I have been asked many times what my hobbies are? I have no idea. I guess cooking, cleaning, playing with play-dough, or legos, or whatever the kids are into! Then I realized I have no hobbies. I have no idea what I like to do. As my kids are getting older I am having suddenly free time! I know it free time! But what am I supposed to do now!
I thought being there for my kids 24 hours a day 7 days a week was important. Yes it is still important, but guess what they will be fine if I am not there! That was a shocker. Shocked me to the core. You mean someone else can pour their milk in their favorite sippy? I remember the first time I went to a movie and left the kids with a sitter. I seriously had so much anxiety I felt like I was going to pass out!
While being a mom was and is my greatest accomplishment it also resulted in a tragedy I let happen. I completely lost myself. I quickly had nothing to talk about with friends and even my husband if it was not about the kids! I know I am that friend that everyone can't stand, with hundreds of kid pics on facebook and story after story of everything and anything the kids did! I'm still that mom. lol
We all to often define ourselves by our labels. While I LOVE my label of MOM and I wouldn't change a thing. I need to find out who I am when the name tag isn't on.
I remember the day each one of my kids was born like it was yesterday. I can't believe how much time has gone by from my first born until now. We get swept away so quickly in life, and the days go by in a blink of an eye. My ideas of motherhood were quickly challenged from what I expected and what the actual reality is.
I will admit parenting is A LOT harder than I thought it would be. While the bad was much worse than I thought it would be, the good was also so much more than I ever imagined! Because I had wanted so badly to be a mother I also desired to be nothing less than a perfect mother. So I quickly began trying to be that perfect mother. I read all the parenting magazines. I tried to do everything right. I quickly discovered many painful truths. I do not know all the answers, but that's ok because no one does. I can ask for help and still be a great mother. I can mess up big time and still be a great mother!
However, the hardest thing for me in my desire to be a perfect mother was finding time for myself. I have been asked many times what my hobbies are? I have no idea. I guess cooking, cleaning, playing with play-dough, or legos, or whatever the kids are into! Then I realized I have no hobbies. I have no idea what I like to do. As my kids are getting older I am having suddenly free time! I know it free time! But what am I supposed to do now!
I thought being there for my kids 24 hours a day 7 days a week was important. Yes it is still important, but guess what they will be fine if I am not there! That was a shocker. Shocked me to the core. You mean someone else can pour their milk in their favorite sippy? I remember the first time I went to a movie and left the kids with a sitter. I seriously had so much anxiety I felt like I was going to pass out!
While being a mom was and is my greatest accomplishment it also resulted in a tragedy I let happen. I completely lost myself. I quickly had nothing to talk about with friends and even my husband if it was not about the kids! I know I am that friend that everyone can't stand, with hundreds of kid pics on facebook and story after story of everything and anything the kids did! I'm still that mom. lol
We all to often define ourselves by our labels. While I LOVE my label of MOM and I wouldn't change a thing. I need to find out who I am when the name tag isn't on.
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