Really me....on my darkest days

So I know and I have known for a while that I am not OK.  I hate that.   I have everything I want and seriously am the luckiest person alive.  So why am I not OK?  I think that makes it all the more worse for me.  I know my husband is amazing.  Don't get me wrong he isn't perfect!  He can irritate me like no other.  He can also make me feel perfect when my mind is telling me I am not.  He is my rock.  My kids are awesome!  They are awesomely, horrible, amazing little monsters!  I love them so much it is crazy!  I get to work from home and set my own hours!   How cool is that?  So many people say to me you do so much, or you are a great mom.  I don't see it.  I can't see it and I don't know why.  I am literally my own worst enemy!

Confessions from my darkness: Some days the kids go to school and I sleep until they come home!  I do!  I feel like a jerk.  I make them go to school.  My husband drives over an hour to work and I slept all day.  I didn't do the laundry, the dishes, or get work done.  I did nothing!  I feel worthless.  I tell him I slept all day.  I am so ashamed and I feel bad.  He says its "OK".  I have no idea what is wrong with him.  But I smile.  My heart feels better for a moment. 

Fast forward its dinner time.  I have no idea what to make.  I didn't plan ahead.  I cannot plan ahead.  I take orders and prepare dinner.  Its a make order kitchen.  My evening is more stressed and I feel worse.  Why wasn't I a good mom and prepared a healthy dinner on time?  Why didn't I make my kids eat whatever I cooked?  My 5 yr old wants peanut butter, Nuttela, but we have no clean spoons.  He says "why didn't you do the dishes?"  It cuts through my heart like a dagger! I say because I didn't feel good.  I really didn't that is why I slept.  But I never feel good lately. 

 Ugh, its bed time and I hate bed time.  No one wants to go to bed and I just want a moment of quiet.   They feel my stress.  They sense my weakness.  I don't have the energy for this.   One kid in bed then up while I'm putting another one in bed.  Things are spiraling out of control.  I blame myself.  They want a story.  Its good to read to kids.  However, its is past bedtime and they need to sleep.  I have no energy for a book.  I don't read.  I feel worse.  I am a bad mom.  How did I get here?  They are finally in bed.  It is quiet.  I sit and relax.  I feel awful.  I think of how the day was supposed to go, and all the things I wanted to do or say.   I wish I could wake them up and hug them and somehow fix it.  I tel myself its alright and tomorrow is a new day.  Every new day is a promise for a new beginning.  I will do better.

So that is really me on my darkest days!  It is painful to admit.  But why?  Why am I so hard on myself?  Why do I need to be perfect?  When will I be enough for me? 

Common Sense!

I can not count how many times I have heard, said, or thought "Don't you have any common sense?"  However,  one thing parenting has taught me is that 'no, there is no such thing as common sense!'  I am so serious on that.  The things I have had to tell my children not to do are insane.  I have said things I never thought I would have to say to a person.  Seriously no joke!  The things you have to tell kids you could have never ever imagined in your wildest dreams! 

For example:  My infant son starts to cry while my daughter is playing so sweetly with him.  The cry isn't a normal hunger cry.  No this is a cry of pain!  So I ask my daughter "What did you do to your brother?"   Her response, "I accidentally bit him?"  I ask "How do you accidentally bite your baby brother?"   She explains, "Well I put his foot in my mouth and he kicked me, so I accidentally bit him!"    Hum... I see!   Now I am thinking why would you put a person in your mouth and why would you need to be told not to put a person in your mouth?  So I calmly tell her that it is inappropriate to put people in our mouths! 

Another example fast forward a few years my 7 year old daughter is in her brothers room yelling and about to do something to get him back.  He is hiding in the kitchen.  So I decide to intervene and stop this before something bad happens.  I ask her what is going on?  She is rightly mad.  Her brother went into her room and apparently rubbed his butt all over many of her belongings.  Thankfully he is 5 and did not think to take his pants off to do this!   Why he did this I have no idea!!!  So I explain to him it is not appropriate to rub our butts on other people or their belongings!  To which he asks "What if I rub my butt on my own things in my room?"   I feel like I am certainly failing somewhere as a parent!  My 11 year old yells before I can respond "Why would you rub your butt on your stuff, gross!"   So I explain that no its not OK to rub your butt on stuff!   I really thought that this conversation was not necessary, but then again parenting 101 no common sense actually exists! 

So I hope you do not need more examples to get my point, but if you do I have TONS more!  Common sense is a myth and there is in fact nothing common about it!  

Who am I?

One thing I know for certain is that there is nothing I wanted more in the world; than to grow up and become a mother.  I always imagined myself having many children.  I knew if I couldn't have children I would adopt.  I often imagined doing both.  I imagined a huge house full of children.  Life changes many things for us all, but nothing has ever changed my desire to be a mom.  I am so blessed to have my four children. Granted giving birth to four kids has changed my desire to give birth to more children! lol

I remember the day each one of my kids was born like it was yesterday.  I can't believe how much time has gone by from my first born until now.  We get swept away so quickly in life, and the days go by in a blink of an eye.  My ideas of motherhood were quickly challenged from what I expected and what the actual reality is.

 I will admit parenting is A LOT harder than I thought it would be.  While the bad was much worse than I thought it would be, the good was also so much more than I ever imagined!  Because I had wanted so badly to be a mother I also desired to be nothing less than a perfect mother.  So I quickly began trying to be that perfect mother.  I read all the parenting magazines.  I tried to do everything right.  I quickly discovered many painful truths.  I do not know all the answers, but that's ok because no one does.  I can ask for help and still be a great mother.  I can mess up big time and still be a great mother!

However, the hardest thing for me in my desire to be a perfect mother was finding time for myself.  I have been asked many times what my hobbies are?  I have no idea.  I guess cooking, cleaning, playing with play-dough, or legos, or whatever the kids are into! Then I realized I have no hobbies.  I have no idea what I like to do.  As my kids are getting older I am having suddenly free time!  I know it free time!  But what am I supposed to do now!

I thought being there for my kids 24 hours a day 7 days a week was important.  Yes it is still important, but guess what they will be fine if I am not there!   That was a shocker.  Shocked me to the core.  You mean someone else can pour their milk in their favorite sippy?  I remember the first time I went to a movie and left the kids with a sitter.  I seriously had so much anxiety I felt like I was going to pass out!

While being a mom was and is my greatest accomplishment it also resulted in a tragedy I let happen.  I completely lost myself.  I quickly had nothing to talk about with friends and even my husband if it was not about the kids!  I know I am that friend that everyone can't stand, with hundreds of kid pics on facebook and story after story of everything and anything the kids did!  I'm still that mom. lol

We all to often define ourselves by our labels. While I LOVE my label of MOM and I wouldn't change a thing.  I need to find out who I am when the name tag isn't on. 

My heart breaks...

My heart would break for you.  Each and every day my heart would break a little as I watched you decline.  As I watched you suffer and wished for nothing but your suffering to end my heart would break.  My heart would break more with impending reality, that the only escape from your suffering was your death.  Still my heart would break for you, and I longed for you to be at peace.  I longed for your suffering to end.  I didn’t want to see you go.  I only wanted your pain to end.  So my heart was torn broken in a mixed up jumble of pieces that made no sense.  The end came and I should take comfort that you are at peace, but still my heart still breaks.  My heart breaks for my father who no longer has his soul mate.  My heart breaks for my brothers, sisters, and me who no longer have a mother. My heart breaks with each and every day that we cannot share something/ anything with you, from the big game to the cute and funny stories. My heart breaks for my kids, niece, and nephew who no longer have a grandmother to spoil them.  My heart breaks for the pain we all now know.  My heart breaks for my children who now know this fear of losing their mother.  With each and every illness that I contract, from a cold to a bee sting the fear of loss haunts them. My heart breaks for the reality of mortality that has crept into our lives.  My heart breaks…

In memory of my loving mother Dana Alexander, who lost her battle with ALS in May.  I miss you mom.