You're just emotional!

 I want to take some time and talk about something that I feel is not talked about enough.  Mental abuse is nothing to be ashamed of, and very real.  I often have been told I am irrational or overly emotional.  In many senses I am, but I also spend so much time shut down and isolating myself.  Living life hidden inside my head because it is the only safe place. 

Unlike physical abuse where the evidence is completely visible and harder to hide mental abuse is an entirely different monster.  Mental abuse can leave you feeling like you are the crazy one.  Your abuser will make you feel like it is your fault for overreacting.  Or they "Just cannot joke with you."  Or maybe you are just too emotional.  

Mental abuse takes away everything that is you.  You are left doubting yourself.  You doubt your sanity.  You question your reality.  Am I overreacting?  Are my feelings valid?  Am I crazy?  Why can't I just take a joke?  What is wrong with me?  

There is no physical bruise to show a friend or someone to ask for help.  You don't know how to even explain it.  How can you put that into words?  What are the right words for this?  How do you explain the feeling of being reduced to nothing and made to feel like it is all your fault.  What did you even do wrong?  

You frantically search for the answers and try not to make the same mistake again and again.  Maybe this time I will get it right.  If I am perfect, If I play my part just right then everything will be ok!  But it is never ok.  There is always something wrong.  

You completely lose yourself.  You lose everything about you.  You live in survival mode.  Constantly trying to fix yourself because you believe that you are the problem.  

You become depressed and isolated.  You believe that you are worth nothing because you caused all this.  You have completely lost all sense of self.  

Your personality and values have been hijacked by your flight or fight reflexes.  You can't even live in the moment because you must constantly remain vigilant.  Always preparing for the future.  Trying to be perfect. 

You hold yourself to an absurd standard of perfection. Even though you know it is unobtainable. Ironically, you forgive your abuser for everything. After all its not his/her fault that you ruin everything.  You hate yourself for what you have become, and you have no idea what to do.  

Your trapped because how do you explain this.  What words can describe this to someone else?  And if you try to explain, will they think you are crazy too?  Will they judge you and hate you too?  Will they agree and confirm your worse fears, that you are the problem.  

This is something you just cannot bring yourself to face. So, you suffer in silence.  You keep these thoughts and fears inside your head.  You feel rooms and rooms in your mind with things left unsaid.  Afraid of being a burden.  Afraid of everything so you just sit in silence, and think to yourself, "I'm just emotional!" 

This pain is real.  Your pain is real.  You are not the problem.  You are not worthless.  You are not just emotional.  You are not irrational.  You can take a joke that is an actual joke!   

Your thoughts and your feelings are valid.

Your thoughts and your feelings do matter! 

You matter. 

The first step towards healing is realizing this and accepting it.  I know better said that done.  Everything in you will fight this.  You have been broken down and conditioned to believe that you are the problem.  Your very core with fight you on this idea.  

But you will take that first step towards healing.  You will open up and talk to someone.  You have to because your survival depends upon it.  Life isn't meant to be this way.  You deserve happiness, everyone does.  

When you open up and start talking, you will hear the words coming out of your mouth. It will sound so foreign and crazy.  So much so that even though you were there, and you know this is the truth it will feel like lies.  It will feel so absurd. People will look at you and some will sympathize others will judge.  They will ask you "Why?"  "Why did you allow this?"  Why did you accept/tolerate this?

You won't know what to say.   There is no answer to that for anyone.  The answer won't make sense to them, and it hurts you that they don't understand. At the same time, you are happy they don't understand.  You don't wish this pain on anyone. 

This is your story and your journey.  You were lost and this is the road to finding yourself. 

Because even if you are emotional- your emotions are valid. 

Who am I?

 I have always wanted to be a mom.  Every child changes what they want to be over time, and I was no exception. However, the one constant was that I always wanted to be a mom.  I imagined a big house and huge yard with tons of kids. I never imagined my life turning out like this, but then I guess no one really ever does.  

I have 4 amazing kids.  I am not complaining about being their mom.  This is literally the best job I could have ever asked for. However, somewhere along the way I lost what it means to be me.  I don't know who or what I am any more.  Amidst the many titles that a mom takes on I don't know the role that I play as a person anymore.  It hit me like a train every time someone asked me, "What do you do in your spare time?"  Well, I honestly didn't even know what spare time they were talking about either.  But it clued me in that something was wrong.  

Where had I gone wrong?  I'm a great mother.  I adore my kids. I was happy as a mother, but not complete.  I was lost because I had no idea who I was as a person. Take away my kids and I had no identity.  In fact, my kids had become my security blanket to my anxiety and my excuse to everything.  If I wasn't sure about an event, then no problem my kids always provided an excuse to escape.  If I felt uncomfortable at a social gathering my kids were the necessary, refuge I could hide behind. 

So now I begin my search who am I?  Not as a mother but as a person.  What do I like to do in my spare time?  

My depression

Many people suffer from depression.  I think my depression has gotten harder for me as a mom.  My anxiety is worse, after all pieces of my heart are out walking around and I cannot protect them from everything.  Mom guilt is so real and overwhelming at times.  For me my depression is like this:  when things are fine I will describe it as walking down a sunny path.  It is warm, comfortable,  and welcoming.

Then why would I want to leave this path?  Good question!  I don't want to, but I can't help it.  You must understand it is never intentional.  It starts small with a negative thought.  Just one thought maybe I didn't do something that I feel I should have.  This is a big one for me.  This one negative thought is a step off the path.  But the reality is negative thoughts always come in pairs.

Each negative thought leads to another.  I call this falling down the rabbit hole.  You feel it, but you are powerless to stop it.  The voices in your head call on all your deepest fears and push you further into darkness.  You've now fallen so far you can no longer see the warm path you started on.

Life gets really tough at this point.  It is hard to function in darkness.  Here life becomes a double edged sword.  You try to balance it.  Depression is a relentless demon thou.  The negative thoughts weigh you down.  You become tired.  Each day is harder and harder to complete the simplest of tasks.  So things get forgotten or put on hold.  Then the guilt kicks in for forgetting and procrastinating.

"You forgot your son's glasses this morning."  "You forgot your child's medication."  "You must be the worst mother in the world!"  The hits just keep coming.  Each another step into darkness and despair.

Eventually you find yourself on the edge of a cliff.  The darkness, despair, loneliness, and pain of depression call for you to do the unthinkable.  Your frozen here.  You don't want the pain anymore.  You don't want to suffer and you can't see your way back to the light.

The demons inside have lead you to a place that no one should go.  Those who have not been there do not understand.  They can not.

The bright side is you don't have to stay there.  I don't know why we (moms) are always so hard on ourselves. I often find myself telling people "oh I'm just a mom!"  That right there is part of the problem.  There is no "just a mom"!  We don't give ourselves credit where it is due! But we sure beat ourselves up when things don't go right! 

While I don't have all the answers and I know I will never stop setting unrealistic expectations for myself I do have a little advice.  We all know we need time for ourselves.  We know that self-care is important.  But when your in a dark place even basic tasks are hard.  You muster enough of yourself to take care of your children and there isn't anything left for you.  It is hard I know and your not alone.

My advice is do one thing!  Just one thing.  No matter what it is.  Take a shower.  Go for a walk.  Clean your room. Just one thing.  Do that thing and feel good about it.  Allow yourself that.

If things get to bad then seek help.  There is nothing wrong with getting help.  Depression and anxiety are real and nothing to be ashamed of. 

Remember tomorrow is a new day! 

I am alice

I look just like you.  On the outside everything appears to be just fine.  I laugh.  I smile.   No one would ever know the secrets that I hide.  I can't let anyone in.  I can't place that burden on you.   So, I carry on.  I laugh.  I smile.  I joke.  I make a quick trip to the bathroom to hide the tears; that some how are escaping.  I hate that I am not happy.  This makes it so much worse.  Why can't I just laugh and smile without this horrible curse.  I cry for a bit then wipe the tears away.   I can't let you see me cry.  I won't.

I don't think you would understand.  How can someone like me be so sad.  Honestly, I don't even know.  I hate myself for feeling this way.  I wonder when will I be enough.  When will enough be enough.  I wish this darkness would just go away.  I want to really laugh and smile at you today.

I look just like you.  I laugh.  I smile.  The darkness I hide deep down inside haunts my every moment.  I keep it hidden.  I wait for better days.  I feel everything and nothing.  I can't let you in.  I wipe away the tears.  No one will ever know the secrets that I hide.

I am Alice and I am falling down down the rabbit hole into the abyss.