starting up again

This post went to such a dark place I wanted to come back and start with a positive note!  My kids are doing great.  Growing fast and keeping me busy.  Pushing my buttons and testing my patience!  And yes most days with the hubby things are amazing. As long as I don't have a blue (depressed possible delusional) day!

Oh, where to begin?  I haven't posted in so long.  I've wanted to, but there is never enough time in the day.  I've realized i need to start making time for things I want to do, cause I'm slowly going insane. Don't tell my husband I'll deny it! Just kidding.  Ive had some rough patches lately, and been really down on myself.  I think the biggest issue is that being a stay at home mom my entire life is the kids, house, and hubby but no me!  I've been to hard on myself but its hard not to when I feel like this is my job and I have to do my part because hubby works hard at his part!  But I am seriously slowly driving myself insane. 

I've pushed my husband away (he sought out the comfort from a stranger on facebook).  That's over and were working our issues, but the damages been done.  No physical contact was made but i told him the emotional connection is just as bad! I blame him and don't blame him.  I didn't or wouldn't talk to him cause i didn't want to bother him.  He has no idea how much I appreciate that he goes to work no matter what so I can stay at home with our children. The big problem is trust I am constantly wondering who hes talking to txting, email, facebook, and whatever else.  Maybe I am a bit paranoid.  I don't know.  It comes and goes and I drive myself so nuts I get chest pain!

Plus I am just not happy with myself physically and mentally.  I have very few friends.  You could count them on one hand and have fingers left over. Some of them are relatives too!  Doesn't help that I'm not getting younger, and my body has had 3 C-sections in the past 3 1/2 years!  It might be a lil postpartum, I am not sure. 

I have trouble remembering things.  Even moments after they have happened.  I feel like I'm here at times but not here!  I don't know how to just be in this moment!  I want to so bad.  I want to enjoy this time with my kids and be able to remember it.  I think it might be because so many things are always going on and or need to be done.  I'm always thinking about something or lots of somethings! 

FYI I feel a lot better after posting this!  Thanks for listening! 
Oh and blogger needs an auto correct for spelling took me forever to correct my spelling errors!

miserable momma

This week has been hell. I started feeling a little nauseous Monday, and it slowly got worse as the week progressed. Today I woke up at 6:00 am just so I could run to the bathroom and vomit! That was great. Then I felt horrible all day long. I am so tired. I am not getting any thing done. Our house looks horrible. I haven't had dishes piled up like this in years. My poor husband and kids have to deal with cranky impatient sick mommy all day. It is awful. I cried today and told my husband I can't do this. His smart ass asked if I wanted an abortion. I replied no I just wanted someone else to be miserable for 9 months not me! Like him! I seriously don't know how I am going to get through this. I know things are going to get worse before they get better. I think it's a girl, because my daughter made me this sick, but my son didn't.

I feel nauseous no matter what I do. I get super thirsty then feel sick for drinking to much water. I feel like I am on fire, or freezing cold. I feel tired, and just yucky. I have no energy. My breasts ache like hell. Plus, I must be sleeping differently because my neck aches. I toss and turn all night, and feel like I haven't slept at all. I wake up throughout the night with my stomach burning.

When its not the pregnancy keeping me up the kids are taking turns waking me up through the night. Evie is potty trained (mostly) she wakes up once or twice a night and goes potty. Of coarse she wakes me up to! Christopher wakes up, and drinks from his bottle or plays with my hair. Then I wake up if hubby is tossing and turning or just getting up. I am suck a light sleeper I think I need my own room, one that is freezing cold because I get hot the most at night!

I know I will get through this I have no choice. I just have to take one day at a time, and just ignore the dirty dishes. I'll get to them when I get to them. I also am buying more quick and easy foods, because I can't guarantee I will be up to cooking when it's time to cook!

Long month

I didn't post as often as I like to this month. I had a busy month. My daughter turned 2 so of coarse we had a party. My sister had her baby as you know from my posts. You probably didn't know that I gave her a baby shower on the 7th. My sister in law is also due to have her baby on April 8th. I gave her a baby shower this month as well on the 14th.

If that wasn't enough my brother in law (not the one expecting the baby) had a stroke. Then they found out he had massive blockage in his arteries in his brain on both side. He had 90% blocked on both sides. So they did surgery immediately to fix that. It has been a scary ride. He was rushed to the er today for slurred speech, but they think he just over did it in therapy. Because everything checked out ok.

All of this was added on top of normal doctor visits, dentist visits, plus test and things for my husband. So all in all I am so glad March is coming to an end. I am looking forward to a more relaxing and hopefully warmer April!