Seriously insane

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein

The way I am raising my son is seriously insane, according to Albert Einstein.  I am just at the end of my rope.  Everything that I am doing isn't working.  So I finally broke down and set up his occupational therapy and behavioral therapy.  We start next week.  Hopefully, they can use their expertise and help me handle his behavior.

I am tired of dealing with his outbursts after they happen.  I want to know why these things happen and how to prevent them.  Nothing we have done so far has helped.  We haven't even been given a concrete diagnosis. 

He is so defiant.  He is so rough.  He is so wild.  Then other times he is so quiet, easy going, and loving.  You seriously never know what you're gonna get.  I got twins in one kid!  It's driving me crazy.  But reality hit hard when I realized I shouldn't have to tell Evie to avoid her brother (at any time) because of the mood he is in he might hurt her.  That is crazy.

Whats going on in his head?

I feel like I am running into a brick wall. We know that something is off with our 3 year old, Christopher AKA Topher.  He does many odd things, and doesn't get many social concepts.  Getting an actual diagnosis so we know how to handle him has been impossible.  The pediatrician says "there is definitely something there" "psychological not neurological".  That is the closest to a diagnosis we've gotten. 

We saw a psychologist at the Children's Hospital in Chicago.  Great hospital, but this was ridiculous, and a waist of time.  We came in once a week and sat in a tiny tiny TINY room. Where she asked me questions, listened to me talk, and somehow watched Toper.  How can she assess him in such an awkward place? He wasn't his normal self.  She gave him a couple of diagnoses Oppositional defiance disorder (ODD), middle child syndrome, and sensory integration disorder.  My son gets tons and tons of attention.  He does not act the way he does to get attention.  In fact most of the time he yells at me to leave him alone, and screams to not be touched or hugged!

Another psychologist saw him in our home from a government sponsored program called first steps.  They also provided speech, occupational, and developmental therapy once a week as well.  This psychologist was to eval Topher for autism.  The pediatrician suspected high functioning autism.  She said "No way is he autistic.  He is way to social." 

The school evaluated him to see if he qualified for services in developmental preschool.  They said he is way to smart.  He doesn't qualify.  Just because he is smart doesn't mean he doesn't need help. He is super smart.  However, has trouble processing things.  He doesn't understand other people and their emotions or social cues at all.  He accidentally head butted me today I yelled "Ouch!" He bust up laughing.  Either he didn't get it, or he likes hurting people. 

The pediatrician and psychologists both agree he has sensory integration dysfunction.  He needs both occupational and developmental therapy.  Our insurance covers them but leaves a 20.00 copay.  That is 40.00 a week plus costs of gas.  I can't afford it right now!  I don't know what to do.  There has to be something.  I feel lost and like a failure to my son.

Topher, Sensory Integration Disorder, Update

Well I am so upset.  Topher aged out of first steps.  A government program where he was getting weekly Occupational therapy OT, Developmental therapy DT, speech therapy, and twice a month psych visits.  I wasn't worried at the time because I thought he would go to developmental preschool through the local school system.  Well they said he doesn't qualify "he's to smart!".  What the heck does being smart have to do with needing special help or not?  He still needs help.  I honestly think the teacher just didn't want to deal with him, but I can't prove it.  So the doctor wants him to get OT and DT privately.  He does need it, but it will cost me 40.00 a week plus gas.  I can't really afford that, but can we afford for him not to go? 

He's a very good kid, but different. It's often like he doesn't even hear you talk to him or can't process it.  Sometimes he is so wild and out of control, and other times he just wants to lay around and watch tv all day!  Sometimes he is loving and polite.  Other times he is demanding, rude, loud, obnoxious, and will cry if you touch him.  You never know what your gonna get.  He still has melt downs quite frequently, and often without any warning.  He has gotten better with his sisters.  He will slide on the floor into Ally (she's 9 months) knocking her over like a bowling pin.  He will hug her (squeezing quite hard) then twist and they both fall to the floor.  He squeezes her face (this usually doesn't hurt her but she doesn't like it either).  It's like he can't not touch her. 

It just seems to be always something. He is truly exhausting (on the bad days).  Other days he is the sweetest boy on the planet.  It is almost insane how fast his moods can change!  He is also extremely difficult to discipline, and I absolutely hate to spank him. When we had kids we decided we didn't want to spank our kids, and I feel like a failure for having done so at times.  A couple times it was a reaction. 

He has kicked me in the face so hard during diaper changes that he has given me migraines, these were on accident he is extremely sensitive genitalia.  He often can't stand to be even touched with a wet wipe for cleaning or even putting ointment on.  But He doesn't seem to get the message if he has to pee until afterwards so potty training has been a bust.  He will also sit in a wet diaper until it leaks.  I have to check him frequently and even when he's wet he will deny it! 

Once he was extremely hyper for whatever reason and accidentally knocked me out.  I was sitting on the couch.  He had both hands on the couch and was jumping up and down.  I was talking to him, but he didn't seem to notice.  Usually, when he does this I grab his shoulders and make eye contact.  I tried he jumped and hit me in my temple.  Everything went dark and I crumbled to the ground.  I opened my eyes, and I was crying with a horrific headache.  It took a minute to realize what happened.  Evie was standing over me very upset and worried about me.  Topher was laughing.  I yelled so bad it scared him "Go to your room!"  He ran to his room.  Thank God, because I have never hurt my kids, but I knew if I spanked him at that moment we would all have been in trouble.  I needed a few moments alone. 

He is very smart and at 3 tested for speech at a 5year old level. He has very advanced pretend play.  He can't grasp emotions of others.  He doesn't get consequences for things.  He does what he wants or needs to in that moment with no thought for the future.  He lines his cars up all through my house, and does other bizarre things when he plays.  He doesn't usually get mad if I move the cars.  It depends on why I moved them and if he agrees with my reasons for moving them.  If he thinks he needs to do something you have to let him do it even if he can't.  For example if he wants to open the door, you have to let him try, and wait for him to ask for help.  Otherwise he will have a full tantrum, and its not worth it!

Life with my son is hard to explain because he is a very good kid.  He just doesn't get it.  He just can't control himself.  He is just Topher. 

job opportunity

I just saw a job opportunity posted at my daughters school either as an assistant in her class or the other pre-k class. The problem is if they hired me who would watch my other two. Christopher is high maintenance, and Ally is to young to tell me if something isn't right.  It would only be 3days one week and 2 days the next week for the rest of the school year.  Daddy would have the other days!  It is only open for 3 more days so if I am interested I've gotta act now.  I don't know what to do.  The pay would be good, but not good enough to pay for great daycare! I'm pretty sure as far as day care goes you kinda get what you pay for.  One place sounds amazing but is super expensive.  I'd really like someone to watch them here! I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too!