I want to take some time and talk about something that I feel is not talked about enough. Mental abuse is nothing to be ashamed of, and very real. I often have been told I am irrational or overly emotional. In many senses I am, but I also spend so much time shut down and isolating myself. Living life hidden inside my head because it is the only safe place.
Unlike physical abuse where the evidence is completely visible and harder to hide mental abuse is an entirely different monster. Mental abuse can leave you feeling like you are the crazy one. Your abuser will make you feel like it is your fault for overreacting. Or they "Just cannot joke with you." Or maybe you are just too emotional.
Mental abuse takes away everything that is you. You are left doubting yourself. You doubt your sanity. You question your reality. Am I overreacting? Are my feelings valid? Am I crazy? Why can't I just take a joke? What is wrong with me?
There is no physical bruise to show a friend or someone to ask for help. You don't know how to even explain it. How can you put that into words? What are the right words for this? How do you explain the feeling of being reduced to nothing and made to feel like it is all your fault. What did you even do wrong?
You frantically search for the answers and try not to make the same mistake again and again. Maybe this time I will get it right. If I am perfect, If I play my part just right then everything will be ok! But it is never ok. There is always something wrong.
You completely lose yourself. You lose everything about you. You live in survival mode. Constantly trying to fix yourself because you believe that you are the problem.
You become depressed and isolated. You believe that you are worth nothing because you caused all this. You have completely lost all sense of self.
Your personality and values have been hijacked by your flight or fight reflexes. You can't even live in the moment because you must constantly remain vigilant. Always preparing for the future. Trying to be perfect.
You hold yourself to an absurd standard of perfection. Even though you know it is unobtainable. Ironically, you forgive your abuser for everything. After all its not his/her fault that you ruin everything. You hate yourself for what you have become, and you have no idea what to do.
Your trapped because how do you explain this. What words can describe this to someone else? And if you try to explain, will they think you are crazy too? Will they judge you and hate you too? Will they agree and confirm your worse fears, that you are the problem.
This is something you just cannot bring yourself to face. So, you suffer in silence. You keep these thoughts and fears inside your head. You feel rooms and rooms in your mind with things left unsaid. Afraid of being a burden. Afraid of everything so you just sit in silence, and think to yourself, "I'm just emotional!"
This pain is real. Your pain is real. You are not the problem. You are not worthless. You are not just emotional. You are not irrational. You can take a joke that is an actual joke!
Your thoughts and your feelings are valid.
Your thoughts and your feelings do matter!
You matter.
The first step towards healing is realizing this and accepting it. I know better said that done. Everything in you will fight this. You have been broken down and conditioned to believe that you are the problem. Your very core with fight you on this idea.
But you will take that first step towards healing. You will open up and talk to someone. You have to because your survival depends upon it. Life isn't meant to be this way. You deserve happiness, everyone does.
When you open up and start talking, you will hear the words coming out of your mouth. It will sound so foreign and crazy. So much so that even though you were there, and you know this is the truth it will feel like lies. It will feel so absurd. People will look at you and some will sympathize others will judge. They will ask you "Why?" "Why did you allow this?" Why did you accept/tolerate this?
You won't know what to say. There is no answer to that for anyone. The answer won't make sense to them, and it hurts you that they don't understand. At the same time, you are happy they don't understand. You don't wish this pain on anyone.
This is your story and your journey. You were lost and this is the road to finding yourself.
Because even if you are emotional- your emotions are valid.
